The US Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to "chartreuse" after the entire United
States sold out of potatoes this afternoon.
According to the Associated Press, over 26 billion tons of potatoes were purchased Sunday, leaving grocers in a panic and adding unprecedented burden to our nation's potato farmers.
"At this rate, we won't return to normal potato stock levels until January 2926," said FDA Commish Margaret A Hamburg. "This came out of nowhere, and we're doing our best to pinpoint the source of the panic."
Sources told the Associated Press that the rush on potatoes is likely related to an incident in the San Bernardino mountains this morning, when BDS ringer and avid fisherman John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled the latest recipe from his test kitchen, Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash.
According to reports, a hungover Hacksaw grew increasingly impatient waiting for BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish to figure out an efficient method of cooking hash browns given the dearth of cooking utensils available. He gestured to Dynamite to "step aside" and took over the grill.
"My arm was sore after throwing 400 pitches yesterday," said Dynamite. "I was throwing about 15 pitches a minute, unless Angry Jimmy was batting, in which case I was throwing about 4 pitches per hour. It was a struggle this morning cooking. I had pork, I had other pork, I had eggs. I had these hashbrowns but my brain was fried. I just couldn't figure out the potatoes. What happened next was unbelievable."
Under sworn testimony, Dynamite divulged to the FBI the exact recipe for Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash. Some items were omitted as there is no recipe for greatness:
(18) frozen hash brown patties
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup bacon grease
(Shit)load of shredded cheese
1/4 tsp guile
Representatives for Johnnie Foodmaster, a Hacksaw Inc-owned grocery chain, hinted that the browns may soon be available at all locations, with the tagline "you don't like it, I don't give a fuck, just eat your hash browns."
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