In honor of his favorite season and on the advent of his favorite bowling season, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached a deal to purchase summer.
Rumors had been swirling on Wall Street all month that Hacksaw, who had not made a large purchase since February, was set to announce one of his trademark historic purchases.
"An investor like Hacksaw doesn't rest on his guiley laurels," said Maria Bartiromo of CNN Money. "That said, when your portfolio includes Mars, 6 counties in Portugal, American History, and Christmas, you're typically going to exercise due diligence in your next purchase so that it compliments what you already own."
In typical Hacksaw fashion, the bold purchase will essentially double his investment yields, as summer is powered by the Sun, which Hacksaw owns.
"I make a great deal of money from renting out sunlight," said Hacksaw. "At the same time, all of these businesses are profiting by acting as a middle man - ice cream makers, beachside restaurants, everyone - and selling the effects of that sunlight to the consumer. So why not cut out the middle man and delivery ravishing sunlight directly?"
According to financial statements filed with the FTC, Hacksaw will still charge sunlight rent to businesses, and that amount will be calculated using the simple HackLine tax algorithm, where the Rent ($) is the percentage of a business' total revenue:
Rent ($)= {(12-mS) + hsc} *100
Where mS=months of Summer=3
and h=hacksaw standard coefficient =1
In this scenario, the Rent($) would be
{(12-3) + 1} *100 = 100%
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