Santa Monica, CA - 

The real estate community was stunned this week when BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had come to terms on an agreement to sell his prized lifeboat, the aptly-named Lil' Soco.

Purchased on April 6, 2011. the boat is equipped with 10 bowling lanes built to his specifications, the iconic Lil SoCo also has 3 helicopter landing pads, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a parking garage to house his vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place), and an observatory with a telescope fifty-one times more powerful than the Hubble. Its 6 billion horsepower outboard motor is powered by 200 megatons of plutonium, and there's room onboard for Hacksaw's designer Louis Vitton lifejackets.

Hacksaw had recently added a second, backup motor to Lil' SoCo, a soconium-powered outboard which made the vessel capable of speeds more than 3.4 times the speed of light. 

Per California law, all lifeboats are tax exempt for 792 days from the date of purchase. After that date, a lifeboat owner must pay a quarterly tax of 25% of the lifeboat's net value. 

"It was either sell Lil' SoCo, or pay $576 billion dollars on June 30th," said Hacksaw during his press conference. "While I love it, at some point I have to realize that I can get to most of my nautical destinations via Row The Boat."

Members of the press grilled Hacksaw as to why he had sold his lifeboat, but not the lifeboat dock in Marina Del Rey.

"This press conference is over," replied Hacksaw.

Not much is known about the buyer of Lil' SoCo, but he's listed on the deed as one Hack S. Putin, a new resident of Santa Monica, CA with a social security number that was generated by the federal government a mere 4 seconds before the sale took place. According to the notary public assigned to the deal, Hack S. Putin was able to purchase Lil' SoCo for the price of $1 USD. 

Mr. Putin released a statement to the Associated Press, stating that he was "thrilled to make the purchase, and couldn't wait to make some cheesy hash brown type meals. Really looking forward to romantic nights with my wife Ki - uh - Gladys... yeah Gladys - anyway, this would definitely come in handy as a secretive training location for my alleged bowling apprentices. Apprentices - apprenti? I don't know, it is Latin?"

"I'd like to point out that while Mr. Putin purchased my boat for $1, he will have to pay tax on the actual assessed value of the boat in 792 days," said Hacksaw. "Of course, by that point, he made decide to sell the boat, possibly back to me. I mean I don't really know the guy."

CNN was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the notary public assigned to the deal. The notary, who asked not to be identified, appeared on CNN this evening with his 'attorney' HackBird, a 7 foot tall yellow bird in a Hack Team 5 t-shirt and a loaded gun pointed directly at the notary's head. CNN asked the notary to explain how a boat worth $2.3 trillion dollars could possibly sell for $1.

"I, uh ... I mean look, the boat had problems," said the notary. "It was uh barely worth a dollar. I mean, due to the vagaries of nautical wear, vis a vis changes in the oceanic climate ... Oh God. There's nothing to see here, I have to go."

In other news, residents of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, rejoiced this week as their city lost its title as "Most Dangerous Place in the World." In a statement released by the Department of Homeland Security, the federal government admitted that while the entity of Honduras as a whole is still "fucking terrible, and a god damn shame considering the climate and history and culture," it was no match for "the exact location of a poor soul who goes Piston Honda on any member of BDS."

Fox News obtained graphic footage from Bay Shore Lanes last week, when an innocent bowler was reverse Honda'd by BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish on a 6-9 split. It did not help matters when the bowler taunted Dynamite by saying that "there's no way you'll make this." 

"No way I'll make this? I fucking invented Piston Honda," said Dynamite. "I have not the time for her hi-jinks. Hi-jinks, what a funny word. Three dotted letters in a row." 

"Is it hyphenated?" asked Shot Boy.

"It used to be," Dynamite continued. "Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to. Then there's N'Sync. What the hell is that? Jump in any time, Powderkeg, these are good topics."

The bowling victim, identified only as Carly PKG, is an ESPY-award winning actress on the popular CW drama "Dawson's Creek", and sources told CNN that the dramatic incident may take part in the script for season 14. 

And finally this week, shares of Plan B Inc (NASDAQ: VAG)  rose 4.7 billion percent when it was announced that former customer of the year and BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons would be stopping by for the first time in 11 months after a scheduled prison break on Thursday.