BDS Amnesty Powderkeg

Powderkeg's agent DyanGrill leaves the negotiations

Santa Monica, CA -

In a surprising move heading into this season's biggest matchup, TNT leaders Back Door Santa announced this week that they had amnestied team heartthrob and former first round pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

At an 11am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told reporters that it was one of his toughest decisions ever.

"I'm torn up inside, I really am," said Tabon. "Powderkeg has always been the heart and soul of our team. He loves to bowl, but we all know this is a numbers game, and the fact of the matter is that with his salary, our payroll would be too low to institute the luxury tax, which would be devastating for league owner John "Hacksaw" Serris' bottom line."

At an 11:01am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot  Boy" Tabon told reporters that the team had signed former member Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons to a long-term deal, worth roughly 4.5 billion times the value of his old rookie deal.

"I'm thrilled to announce that we have signed our former #1 pick, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, to a long-term deal of $31.5 quadrillion in guaranteed money," said Tabon. "Not only does this help us build for the future, but it also helped us reach the $126 quadrillion salary cap figure demanded by Hacksaw, thus putting us into luxury tax territory."

League rules prohibit league owner and BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris from negotiating any form of contract with league players. Non-suspiciously, Powderkeg's deal was negotiated by his new agent, the never-before-mentioned DynaGrill, who received her league authorization a mere thirty seconds before the amnesty and subsequent signing of Powderkeg took place.

Sources told ESPNBDS' John Clayton that DynaGrill was able to get her authorization in time due to her association with a federal notary public who goes by the name "Hacksputin."

"I've never met Hacksputin before," said Clayton. "But I can confirm that he was officially authorized as a notary public roughly thirty seconds before he notarized the league authorization for the non-suspicious agent for Powderkeg, DynaGrill."

TNT announced that Powderkeg's deal came in just under the wire, but that he was eligible to join his former team in time for Thursday's matchup.

It remains to be seen how Powderkeg will fit in with Back Door Santa and what the mood will be like in the locker room. Historically teams have experienced tension after an acrimonious contract negotiation with a star player.

"Frankly this was a bush league move by BDS," said Clayton. "Here you are the week of your biggest match of the season, and you cut your star player. How will he respond to that? I mean essentially his owner and teammates looked him straight in the eye and said 'Look, you're not getting paid enough, it's hurting the team.' That's a slap in the face to Powderkeg, who's never been about the money. He plays the game the right way. He's got a high motor and a high bowling IQ. He's a gym rat."