Report: Veterinarians Union of America Protests Hacksaw

Santa Monica, CA

Kittysaw lines up a strike

The Veterinary Union of America (VUOA) launched an official protest this week of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris after Hacksaw used his vast funds to build a $15 billion bowling complex in the lung cancer wing of a local veterinary clinic.

According to the Associated Press, the complex, the veraciously-named Kitty & Hacksaw Athletic Theater (KHAT) was built after a close associate of Hackosaur, Kittysaw, was admitted to the clinic for treatment of lung cancer.

The Santa Monica City Council approved the zoning for KHAT after they were presented with a notarized application from Hacksaw thirty seconds before the deadline. It was notarized by a famed notary public and zoning enthusiast who goes only by the name Hacksputin.

"I have never met Hacksputin, in fact I don't know anyone who has, even though he's in this office seven times a week notarizing various permits for Hacksaw," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti. "That said, his penmanship is remarkable. It's almost as lovely on the eyes as Hacksaw's signature on this signed AMF Membership that Hacksaw framed for me after I won the mayoral election earlier this year. You can see it right behind me - right below the inscription "I own you and this entire fucking city you god damn puppet. Now eat your hasbrowns."

The VUOA members are protesting under the grounds that they are unable to perform medical procedures on any patients of the clinic other than Kittysaw due to the vast expanse of KHAT.

"In order to build this thing, Hacksaw had to knock down 99% of the clinic along with the four adjoining city blocks," said VUOA president Richard C. Normous. "Every single animal in this city is in danger, especially little yippy dogs. All that's left of the clinic is the feline operating table, and we don't even need that anymore because the one in KHAT is way better."

An article in Architectural Digest states that KHAT is 31 stories high and contains 40 billion feet of yard, an IMAX theater, Google headquarters, 3/4ths of Canada, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.

The jewel of KHAT, the article continues, is a state-of-the-art feline lung cancer operating room, complete with a $19 trillion soconium-powered cancer detection mechanism capable of detecting cancerous cells from 74 million light years away.

"Hackosaur called me and was worried," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "The thing they never tell you about cancer treatment is the impact it can have on your bowling game, because treatment takes time away from the lanes. So I did what any normal human being would: I got a permit, razed 4 city blocks and almost an entire animal clinic, and spent trillions of dollars building a complex so that a cat undergoing lung cancer treatment wouldn't miss a step."