BDS To Bowl For Charity

Santa Monica, CA -

As reports surfaced this week that TNT despot El Presidente was planning on rigging tonight's final regular season matchup against two time champion Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that BDS would be bowling for charity this evening in hopes that the increased spotlight and humanitarianism would persuade El Presidente to engage in fair competition.

BDS take the lanes this evening against their long-time rivals Split It and Quit It, who own a lifetime 22-2 record against BDS. Even with ringleader Easy Dan Miller having mentally checked out of bowling in favor of pre-marital bliss, Vegas has Split It as 1-4,000,000 favorites against BDS tonight.

Hacksaw stepped into action after an article ran in Corruption Enthusiast, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, describing Split It's remarkable 7 point victory on Thursday, three days before the match was even played. The resulting 7 point loss for BDS knocked them out of competition for the top spot this season.

The article included a picture of El Presidente handing an unidentified short Cuban-American 4 trillion Cuban pesos and a note that clearly read "Here is some money which is explicitly for the purpose of knocking down all of Split It's pins on Thursday. Good Luck Pablo - your friend, El Presidente." The caption for the photo simply read "Our beloved presidente greets his fans."

"We can't seem to get a fair shake," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "But does El Presidente have the nefariousness to rig a match when BDS is playing for a noble charity? We're about to find out."

As a result, Hacksaw announced that BDS would be bowling tonight for Humans Against Corruption and chicKanery (HACK) - a for-profit organization that helps fund the bowling training for any American youth, provided they reside in Hermosa Beach, CA and were born on June 24 2011 at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

HACK was started back on August 7th 2013 by noted samaritan Hacksputin, an alleged associate of BDS and world-renowned bowling psychologist. While there has been no legal evidence that Hacksputin even exists, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti quickly approved his application, including all applicable federal and state tax exemptions.

CNN reported that HacksputInc, a solo entity with no legal or financial ties to Hacksaw, would receive an immediate $42 trillion federal tax rebate as a result of its recent filing.

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, announced the completion of the new training wing of his airborne bowling facility, Yo Hacka Hacka. The new space, the famously-named Hacksaw's Orbiting & Nautical Dynagirl Auditorium (HONDA), boasts a jungle gym, a 785 story luxury hotel and spa, Lenin's tomb, Thor, an ancient redwood forest, and an IMAX theater showing all episodes of Curious George, including the famous episode where The Man In The Yellow Hat is surprised when he gives heavy responsibility to a fucking monkey and then something goes awry. Tax records show that HONDA cost $42 trillion dollars even.

"DynaGirl's getting close in her training," said Hacksaw. "She hit a 299.47 last week - it was originally a 300 game, but I penalized her 0.53 pins because she opened 4 yogurts but ate none of them. I felt like an upgrade to her training facility is the final step."