 |
| BDS discuss what to do with their second place earnings |
"I think they should take the deal," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "No way they sweep Crank Funk tonight. The Funk have won 16 games in a row against top competition. I can't stress enough how there is absolutely no chance that Back Door Santa wins four games tonight."
The highly anticipated championship match pits up-and-comers Crank Funk against two-time champions Back Door Santa - or as they're widely known, "those douchebags with the 2x4." Vegas has taken odds off the table as this is predicted to be the most lopsided final in TNT history, with Crank Funk cruising to another victory.
Crank Funk has dominated this season by playing the game the right way, playing station-to-station ball, and acting like they've been there before. BDS, on the other hand, has shown multiple times that they can't step it up when they absolutely need it, concluding with last week when they needed a 958 in the final game and only got 957.
The Twittersphere was robust this morning with celebrities tweeting their thoughts about tonight's pending championship match.
"Hey @backdoorsanta just give it up - there's no way you make any shots tonight."
- @carlychaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family
"Hey @pablolyons you ready for tonight? I'm talking specifically about fixing the match against BDS"
- @elpresidente, noted despot and leader of Cuba
"I do not exist"
- @hacksputin, mysterious non-existing person.
To back up his claims, ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton broke down tonight's matchup in hopes that BDS would come to their senses and forfeit.
Recent Performance:
Back Door Santa has not won a championship since April 2011, meanwhile Crank Funk nearly won earlier this year, and has been in first place virtually all of the summer season. Furthermore, they play the game the right way.
Edge: Crank Funk
Consistency:
BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is in danger of giving up his Most Consistent award for the first time in 7 seasons after an up-and-down summer season that was mostly down. The former first-round pick, noted for not loving bowling, has no chance of breaking out of his slump tonight as he's never shown a propensity to perform when it matters most - as long as you don't ask any ladies or look at any past performances when it mattered.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have been consistent all season against top competition.
Edge: Crank Funk
Weak Link:
BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is on the verge of breaking the TNT record for weak linkiness this season. It's really unbelievable at this point how he's still on the team, and it must be noted that TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese recently suggested that teams only have 3 members, reported on the urging from BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, has no weak link.
Edge: Crank Funk
Nefarious Associations:
Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has discussed on numerous occasions his involvement with a mysterious notary known only as "Hacksputin". Nothing is known about Hacksputin - he does not exist in any tax records despite owning a 300-foot yacht. Since his alleged involvement with Back Door Santa, which began in the summer of 2013, BDS has seen nothing but failure, barely making it to the championship game for the first time in two years. Furthermore, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has involved Hacksputin in two failed investments - a feline veterinary wing called KHAT and an addition to Yo Hacka Hacka called HONDA - which are both barely wildly and historically profitable.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no known associations other than a deep and binding association with the fair and non-nefariousy leader of TNT, El Presidente
Edge: Crank Funk
Farm System:
The desire for a championship has gutted the BDS farm system, and its only true prospect, Dynagirl, has been unable to reach the 300 mark despite constant training from Hackosaur. She was almost traded for Jeff Bagwell earlier this summer after not eating her yogurt and finishing the day with a 299.53.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no failed prospects.
Edge: Crank Funk
Ability to Enter The Construction Zone:
BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon came within 11 pins last week of entering the construction zone; according to Vegas, he never will, especially tonight. Las Vegas cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no chance Shot Boy enters The Construction Zone on his way to a third TNT title today on August 22, 2013.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, play the game the right way.
Edge: Crank Funk
Prediction - while we strongly urge Back Door Santa to take the plea bargain and secure second place, in the event that they brazenly decide to bowl tonight, we predict a historic beatdown wherein Crank Funk wins by so many pins that they are awarded 5 points and their first championship.
No comments:
Post a Comment