Hacksaw Weighs Options

Amen Corner, Redondo Beach, CA -

Hacksaw dominates Amen Corner

On the even of a new championship bowling season for Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is mulling his options and discussing with his advisors a plan to purchase the Pacific Ocean.

Rumors started to circulate about a deal this month when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, purchased several acres of oceanfront property in Hermosa Beach called "Amen Corner" by the locals.

According to the Associated Press, the Pacific Ocean began searching for a buyer this month when it became unable to keep up with the demand for surf perch and walleye. Advanced metrics show that the fish supply was stable up until about 7am on Friday, April 18th, when a sudden increase in fish removed from the ocean threatened the marine ecosystem and extinction of the human race.

The AP stated that it may not be coincidental that the increase in fish removed occurred at the same time Hacksaw affixed his trademark setup, the Carolina Rig, to BIG NASTY.

"I've always loved fishing, and I don't want to contribute to the end of humanity," said Hacksaw. "That said, I had Hackosaur crunch some numbers, and he determined that the Pacific Ocean has been wholly mismanaged for centuries, and the right owner could make a few changes to get things running smoothly. The bottom line is that I don't have it in me to stop catching perch."

Hacksaw then debuted his latest creation, a 24 trillion horsepower fishing rod, the catchingly-named "COLD BLOODED", which weighs only 4 ounces. Its soconium-lined shaft is strong enough to to reel in fish up to 945 metric tons, and the line comes equipped with a laser targeting mechanism called Il Capitan, which allows the Carolina rig to casually glance across up to 498 million square feet of ocean surface and determine the optimal point to drop into the water.

"You don't purchase COLD BLOODED," Hacksaw continued. "You attempt to hold onto COLD BLOODED for dear life while it annihilates all marine activity around it. You politely ask if it would like to be cast into the ocean, after which you calmly remove your filet knife in preparation for the incoming fish. You don't want to reach for your knife quickly or make any sudden moves, because COLD BLOODED is a cruel mistress. If you startle COLD BLOODED, it's likely to turn its attention away from the ocean and ruin your life and everyone you love."

In other TNT news, the league tonight will consider banning "shrieky harlot" apparel from the lanes, in hopes that it will reduce the amount of undesirables in league play. The pending decision was met with a swift press release from Costco:

"Banning this apparel will negatively impact Costco and its popular line of designer Kirkwood mom jean shorts," said Costco. "There's no definite prove that wearing our jean shorts turns you into a piece of shit who steals money and cheats and gambling. I implore the TNT to reconsider this rule."