Dynamite Increases Wonderfulness

Santa Monica, CA

In an effort to increase his handsomeness as his team strives towards the first place finish line, Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish attended a CrossFit training session yesterday.

"That fucking sucked massive ass," said Parish during a press conference after the session. "Jesus Christ."

Scientists at MIT, led by physicist Joe "T-Bone" Trevino, released their much-anticipated handsomeness algorhythm, named the Tabonaserris Dynalyons Theorum, which attempts to mathematically explain the various factors that can impact overall handsomeness of an individual. The TSDL is as follows:

H = [{(r x lob)^cli}/(fndln/#t)] x zf/gm

where
r = ruggedness (in units)
lob = love of bowling (in kilojoules)
cli = coors lights ingested
fndln = frames needed to determine the lane nuances
#t = number of teams out there (max 2)
zf/gm= zack fox balls per game

"Based on the scientifically-proven TSDL, I knew that the only thing I could improve was the number lanes it takes me to determine their nuances," Dynamite continued. "So far this season, I've averaged 30 lanes/week for this metric, and nothing short of my best efforts outside of Bayshore is going to reduce that number, and in turn reduce the denominator of this heralded theorem."

Back Door Santa lost some of their first-place lead last week after the team determined that bowling in person against their legal counsel, played by TV's Kevin Meister, might constitute a conflict of interest.

"BDS made the right move and pre-bowled last week. It was in the best interests of all parties involved," said Meister in a statement while amazingly wearing pants. "They need not give any more ammunition to El Presidente and his nefarious band of corruptionmongers. Unfortunately for BDS, they were unable to support each other in person and did not post their best games. As always, I blame the media."

Team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon used his time off to undergo a new and controversial vision procedure which will enable him to calculate the mass entity of all ten pins down to the 1/1,000,000th of a femtogram of weight, just by looking at that shit. A website dedicated to him and built by a well-wisher who only goes by the Twitter handle "@moonlyons", canigetinyourpantspleaseshotboy.com, had as of Tuesday gained 6 billion female registered users.

Not to be outdone, hotshot rookie and first round draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons took an excursion to his palacial mountain estate in Mammoth, CA in order to test his mettle against the harsh elements. Witnesses reported Powderkeg bowled a 289 on his private lane, which he had built at 12,000 feet atop the Murderhorn, maintaining his strength via a steady diet of PowerSauce bars and Coors Light. ESPN's John Clayton, flown in as a guest of Powderkeg and Madelyn Burke-Lyons, said that Lyons was robbed of a 300 game not by the altitude, but that it took the refs 9 frames to realize that there were two teams out there.

"His fortitude, stamina, and precision have always amazed me," said Burke-Lyons. "And he's even better with regards to his bowling acumen."

In other news, The Huffington Post obtained an excerpt of an interview set to air this week on ABC's 20/20, wherein John "Hacksaw" Serris sat down with Diane Sawyer aboard his 200 foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, had reached a deal with Somerville-based food chain Johnnie's Foodmaster to open a series of luxury grocery stores in the Los Angeles area.

Diane Sawyer: Philanthropist, historian, professional bowler, lover, fisherman. What makes Hacksaw tick?

Hacksaw John Serris: All of the above, Diane, you know me by now. I was put on this earth for one reason: excellence.

DS: We can add one more title to you now: grocer. Has this always been a passion of yours?

HJS: When I first moved out west, I was troubled by the dearth of not only awesome vocabulary words, but luxury grocery stores. The first thing I did after purchasing my yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat", was have a Johnnie's Foodmaster built on the second floor, right above my 14 bowling lanes. And I love those bowling lanes, Diane, they're like my children.

DS: I watched the video of you cutting the ribbon of the newest Foodmaster with your hacksaw. You were very emotional. What was going through your mind?

HJS: You try and give back to the community when they need you most, Diane. The world has given me handsomeness, superb bowling accuracy, a two-by-four, and a 200-foot yacht, the atply-named "Row The Boat." And now, I've given them a Johnnie's Foodmaster.

DS: Your team captain, Shot Boy, recently underwent a radical vision procedure. He did this for the team and for the team only even if he pretends it was for some other shit. How does that make you feel?

HJS: Diane, I promised I wasn't gonna cry! HAYOOOOOOOOOOO