HAYO, Cuba -
Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference today to announce that he had come to terms with Major League Baseball to purchase their troubled Los Angeles franchise.
"I won a parlay bet last week when BDS swept The Bowling Wallendas, and BDS also set the season record for team high game with handicap," said Hacksaw. "The added income has allowed me the time and resources to spend on one of my favorite past times, saving troubled sports franchises. It had always been my intent, once I installed a 20,000 seat coliseum in the Hack-A-Whirl, to get a team there."
To separate the new ownership from the troubled past of the Dodgers, the new team will be named the Los Angeles Beer Frames, although their home games will be played aboard the Hack-A-Whirl at the newly-christened SoCo Field at HAYO Yards Aboard The Hack-A-Whirl, Presented By Hacksaw Industries. As part of the purchase agreement, all road games will also be played at SoCo Field, with the Hack-A-Whirl hovering over a destination of the home team's choosing.
"This is great for baseball," said scrappy New York Yankee captain Derek "Jeter" Jetes. "I think it's going to be a fun experience for not only the fans, but the players. It's been a dream of mine to play baseball games in a 20,000 seat coliseum aboard a helicopter."
As a special treat, each fan who purchases a ticket will get a free night's stay in the Hack-A-Whirl's 40-story Four Seasons hotel as well as a $400,000 gift card to spend at the Hack-A-Whirl's freshly completed luxury auto dealership. Fans can choose from Bugattis, Ferraris, Maseratis, and vintage automobiles like the Ford Excursion, Hummer H2, and Pontiac Fiero.
Shortly after the announcement, Hacksaw fired current skipper Donny Baseball and named legendary bowler Mocha Hurricane: Class 5 as the head of the Beer Frames. While he has no prior management experience, Mocha's hiring lowered the odds of the Beer Frames winning the World Series to 1:567,000. Gamblers across the land flocked to Las Vegas to bet $567,000 for the chance to win an easy dollar.
"We're going to change the strategy of this team to make it more like my own personality," said Hurricane. "The only types of hits allowed will be home runs and bunts. I see a lot of games in our future where we'll hit 8 home runs in a row, then everyone's watching, then we just fucking bunt in the 9th fra- uh, inning."
A little less shortly after the incident, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, dispatched his trusted confidant Hackosaur to Cuba in order to have a sitdown with the Head of Operations at HAYO, FC Kevin Meister. Rumors had been swirling that Meister has been having trouble managing both HAYO and his bowling team, The Bowling Wallendas.
"FC Meister is a seasoned international port manager, but he's a bowling captain first," said Hacksaw. "I know he would never admit to me that he's burning the candle at both ends, but I thought if I sent someone on my staff who holds a pHd in nautical psychology, such as Hackosaur, we might be able to figure this thing out."
In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons held a party aboard Hacksaw's lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", to celebrate a joint clothing venture with fellow TNT bowler Brandon Irons Hally. The new company, named "Handsomely Pantsed", will specialize in polo shirts and high-end trousers for the handsome man who has it all. Each pair of pants is made from only the finest in California condor silk, with a breathability that allows for both comfort and athletic performance on the bowling lanes or country club. The pants will retail for $80,000 a pair, and prospective buyers must first pass the Handsome Aptitude Leisure & Logistic Yield test, or HALLY.
"We made a decision early on that these pants were not for the un-handsome or even mildly-attractive," said Powderkeg. "Championships are not won by ugly people, mainly because they're often without the support of their families, on account of not being attractive."
The celebration was not without its apprehensive moments, however, when local media began to question Powderkeg on the whereabouts of his ex-wife, Madelyn Burke-Lyons-Meister. The former Mrs Burke-Lyons has been missing ever since she was served with divorce papers from the handsome bachelor once she stopped loving bowling.
"THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER, KEN. NO, IT'S OVER," yelled Powderkeg once he'd had enough.
Across the country, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish wowed the graduates of his alma mater, Ivy League State, with a commencement speech honoring their female graduates. Witnesses, mostly the male graduates who were forced to watch the speech 50 miles away on CNBC, said the speech was tough to understand on account of the constant female swooning. Luckily an anonymous attendee, identified only her Twitter handle "@moonlyons," live-blogged the speech (printed with permission from The Huffington Post).
"lol i didn't even go here"
"wut do u mean weak link u are strong wut iz he saying?"
"shut up whore RT@nicoleeggertcirca1992 I met him at 7-11 so handsome"
"lol i no rite? @elpresidente last place - good thing i write down scores with pencil"
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