Santa Monica, CA
In a shocking development, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on motivational tactics, announced today through his publicist First Captain Kevin Meister that he was retiring as coach of Back Door Santa.
"It has become clear to me in recent weeks that my superb and extensive training has been wasted on Back Door Santa," said Meister, reading a prepared statement. "I have a certain loyalty to Hacksaw on account of him creating me via ancient DNA and guile, but at the same time my skillset has far surpassed even the great expectations of Dr. Hacksaw, the world's foremost expert on dinosaur career trajectory analysis. I can't keep spending my valuable time aboard Yo Hacka Hacka teaching these guys the basics, only to watch them Carl Crawford it up every Thursday."
"I had a zero year old bowl a 299 game when she was zero," the statement continued. "These jokers have yet to even enter The Construction Zone this season. Are you fucking kidding me? You have the world's greatest bowling teacher at your disposal because you created him in your spare time, yet you let your handsome talents go to waste. I mean, Dynagirl was zero years old, and she can't even stand up yet. I got her bowling a 299 game just by teaching her the basic fundamentals of accuracy. Sure I was disappointed, and sure I yelled at her - but the point is, I have a lot of work to do on the sun this week. Haüksaüw takes a lot of planning."
"And finally," the statement concluded, "I wish nothing but the best in the future to Back Door Santa. Also if they sweep tonight I'll come out of retirement."
According to TNT sources, Hackosaur will remain as the head of Hacksaw Inc, where his duties include flying Johnnie Skymaster, maintaining Hacksaw's supercollider, arranging any future celestial real estate deals, and of course managing Hacksaw's vast empire on the sun.
After the statement was read, the official legal counsel of Back Door Santa, First Captain Kevin Meister, addressed the media and commented on his latest case.
"As many of you have heard, on behalf of Back Door Santa, I have filed a lawsuit against one Ravi R. Finkelstein in the amount of $300 billion dollars due to his nefarious and blatant cheating during last week's match. The suit covers the $60 BDS had to pay in league fees, plus $299,999,999,940 in punitive damages."
Meister then beardedly laid out the key pieces of evidence in the lawsuit, including but not limited to:
- Surveillance photos of Finkelstein meeting with BayShore manager and notorious El Presidente co-hort Pablo Lyons as they went over the correct amount of glue to put under pins right before a BDS member threw their ball
- Receipts from Cedars-Sinai hospital proving that Finkelstein paid for bionic arm surgery last spring, as no human arm could withstand that fucked up delivery without breaking
- A picture of Finkelstein's lawyer handing two bags with dollar signs on them to the agent for Chris Hurre in an effort to get him to join an amateur bowling team
"Ravi R. Finkelstein likes to portray himself as a goateed marathoner," said Meister. "But the only kind of marathon he runs is a Race of Corruption."
In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that just before this week's deadline, he had reached a deal to trade Mars to Europe for both Irelands, southern Finland, and six of the 31 counties in Portugal.
"It's been great owning Mars," said Hacksaw. "But I felt like my current lineup of real estate properties was a bit top-heavy. Adding both Irelands to the fold gives me the historical research needed to combine with the knowledge of Hessian brew as we get things rolling at Haüksaüw. The acquisition of Finland provides me with the reindeer meat I need for a new recipe I'm working on - rosemary and fennel reindeer short ribs. Portugal is nice to have, it can play any position."
Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, hopes to at some point this year parlay Saturn into the rest of Europe, he said.
"I've got Hackosaur crunching numbers and looking into Neptune - I don't want to be without any planets whatsoever. But things are getting spread out and since I own the sun, I think the obvious option is to own all of Europe, which when combined with HAYO down in Cuba gives me a lot of ports."
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