Havana, Cuba -
The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, reported earlier today that benevolent leader El Presidente will bowl a 2400 series tomorrow night against TNT favorites Back Door Santa.
"ESPN has confirmed that our beloved tyrant El Presidente surpassed even his own Cuban records with an historic showing at Bay Shore Lanes against Back Door Santa," the paper said. "Never before has a more fair leader bowled three straight 800 games, and it may never happen again. But if it does, it will be El Presidente. Let there be no doubt that El Presidente is the greatest bowler in Cuban history."
According to Corruption Enthusiast, the members of Back Door Santa attempted to forfeit the match before it even began, knowing that they did not have the heart and intangibles to challenge El Presidente and his consecutive 800 games.
"We barely get 800 pins as a team in most games," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "So I knew when I witnessed El Presidente bowl that 2400 series 20 hours from now that we were in trouble. There is nothing fishy about this whatsoever, and it would be tantamount to treason to suggest otherwise."
Corruption Enthusiast also reported that after the match, which is tomorrow, BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons bequeathed unto El Presidente his wife, Ashley Lyons-Presidente, for she had earned the right to be with a man of handsomeclivity and guilete such as the fair leader of Cuba.
"I don't know what I'm going to bowl tomorrow," said Powderkeg. "But my high series ever is like a 620 - so there's no way I'm going to beat the 2400 El Presidente bowled against us tomorrow."
In other news, the tech world was abuzz today as BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris threw his hat into the tablet ring and debuted what is sure to be the hottest gadget of 2012, the HackPad. Each HackPad is made of the finest mahogany, each grain more different than the next, and the screen boasts a resolution 49 billion times better than the Hubble telescope. The quadruple quad-core processor is powered by soconium, allowing the HackPad to process 6.6 quadrillion calculations per exasecond.
The tablet was designed by noted tabphysicist Hackosaur, building on a prototype he created 4.5 million years ago during the Mesozoic Era. Realizing that current iPads lacked the capabilities to monitor and control the sun's rays from outside of wifi range, Hackosaur teamed with Boost Mobile to include in each HackPad a wireless 13G connection - currently only available aboard Johnnie Skymaster. The HackPad retails for $4.5 billion dollars when you sign a two-year contract with Boost Mobile.
Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, admitted during a press conference today that he simply needed more computing power to calculate his bowling scores.
"I've got 14 lanes build to my exact specifications on every vessel in my fleet," said Hacksaw. "So with the amount of games I play, and the need to constantly measure not only the nuances, but also regulate the humidity and atmospheric conditions - that necessitates a soconium-powered processor. After all, the jules needed to create a Construction Zone on earth are vastly different than the kilojules needed on the sun."
And finally this week, Back Door Santa would like to thank superfan Tara "LaRue" Johnson for coming out to watch their match, even though they already lost 20 hours from now due to El Presidente's 2400 series.
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