Hackosaur Creates Dynamite Cyborg

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that his team of scientists, led by noted cyborgotanist Dr. Hackosaur, have built an exact replica of BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish that will be used for the remainder of the TNT season.

"This cyborg, or cybernetic organism, looks and feels exactly like Dynamite, except that we've added some nuances to increase his consistency 4 billion percent," said Hacksaw. "So we expect, that with this 4 billion percent increase in consistency, he will now be consistent roughly 50% of the time, on a consistent basis. At the very least, this cyborg can't be any shittier at bowling than Dynamite."

According to the Associated Press, the prototype was digitally designed by Dr. Hackosaur's team using a combination of MS Paint and Hackborg, one of the latest additions to iHackpad store. Researchers drafted a sketch of the cyborg in Paint and then used Hackborg to determine the optimal level of intangibles needed to result in the effective increase in consistency.

The new Dynamite Cyborg could not come at a better time, as BDS is making their annual spring run towards a championship, with only Dynamite's consistent lack of consistency standing between them and more hardware.

"Look, this has been a long-time coming," said Hacksaw. "Shot Boy, Powderkeg and I convened on my 200-foot luxury yacht, the aptly-named 'Row The Boat', and discussed a course of action. It was either calmly ask Dynamite to practice a bit more, or ask the prehistoric dinosaur I brought back to life with a combination of ancient DNA and guile to construct a fully-operational cyborg in the form of Dynamite, and then use said cyborg for the rest of the season."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, sat down with Cyborg Fancy magazine this week and detailed some of the technical aspects of this new handsome robot. They include:

- A 40 trillion horsepower soconium-powered central nervous system able to calculate to the 99.97th percent what foot to start on

- a built-in HackPad quad quadcore processor designed to minimize variations in score between games from 80 pins to 25 pins

- a left arm with removable stun-gun that can be used to subdue Powderkeg when he is approaching 209 pins in any given game

- a memory processor that will track and analyze Dynamite's precise hacksaw throwing technique so it can be used to help future generations

- an internal database with the exact molecular breakdowns of over 48 billion different types of mahogany and their associated nuances and grains

- extra points for UNC-Asheville, currently needing 8 over Syracuse, cuz I picked this game ok I'm gonna watch now 1-2-3- backdoor!!