Powderkeg: Too Accurate?

Santa Monica, CA -

Scientists at the Accuracy Study Society (ASS) announced this week the results of their latest analysis suggesting that Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons' recent swoon may be the result of being 'too accurate.'

"There are many theories hypothesizing that one can, in fact, be too accurate," said ASS head Dr. Scott E. Shortpantz. "While Powderkeg has remained consistent, he's finding that his slow and deliberate approach with the ball often increases his accuracy to a level of 15 or higher, when his best results are typically achieved when he keeps his accuracy in the 11-13 range on a scale of 1-10."

Dr. Shortpanz, now a part of his record 5th scientific community in five seasons because other scientists love to be around him, initially tried to cancel the press conference altogether because it started a few minutes late, and he has places to be.

"While this slow and deliberate approach may be beneficial to the countless ladies watching at home on ESPNBDS, our study suggests that Powderkeg instead fire the ball with as much torque as possible, regardless of how many pins are left," Dr. Shortpanz continued. "It was this type of approach that worked during the 2011 championship season, and we're confident that while he may dance perilously close to 'almost' too accurate - 'almost' is just the right amount to claim the 2012 championship."

Immediately after the press conference, swarms of women took to social networks to post death threats directed at Dr. Shortpanz, an ASS, because he suggested that Powderkeg was anything less than the perfect handsometrical specimen. One of the many Powderkeg-centric websites, www.girlswithpowderkegtattoos.com, was shut down for several hours as hysterical women posted numerous tales of bedroom satisfaction and heartbreak in support of the young swashbuckler.


On this week's Monday conversation, broadcast on ESPNBDS, Powderkeg sat down with reporter Erin Andrews to discuss the results of that ASS Dr. Scott E. Shortpanz' study:

EA: Powderkeg, can I call you that?
PK: Of course
EA: Ok, so for the record, can I take off my blouse?
PK: Again?
EA: So talk about your recent accuracy - what do you think's going on?
PK: Well Erin, sometimes I think that the refs forget there are two teams out there. It's like they're consistently forgetting 50% of the teams
EA: It's almost like, Come on blue! Right?
PK: That's correct
EA: Tell us about your challenge record this season. It's been pretty good, 100%
PK: Well I have to thank Coach Hackosaur. He's the one reading the nuances
EA: Because he's calibrating
PK: That's correct
EA: Will you calibrate my pants?
PK: What?
EA: Nothing
PK: Do you have any food?

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, head of Lionsgate Films, celebrated the $155 million opening weekend of their latest release, The Hacksaw Games. The movie tells the tale of teens from the 12 districts who fight to the death in front of a live audience, with the winner getting a $50 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster and a 7 second around-the-world ride aboard Hacksaw's 300-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil' Soco."

The most celebrated scene in the epic involves the main protagonist, Katniss Evergreen, who while hiding in the woods stumbles upon one of Hacksaw's hidden bowling lanes, built to his exact specifications. She studies the rich grains of the mahogany and is able to decifer the relative humidity of that latitudinal location in the woods, and really a lot of fun was had by all.