Rogue Scientist Fired From Hackosaur Lab

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris told Santa Monica police this week that his undercover investigative team, Hackerpol, had identified the rogue scientist who had infiltrated Dr. Hackosaur's lab during the creation of the Dynamite Cyborg.

"After last week's less-than-stellar debut of Dynamite Cyborg, I became suspicious," said Hacksaw in a statement. "I found it hard to believe that a cyborg created via MS Paint and the latest version of Hackborg could perform so poorly. Furthermore, it's impossible that Dr. Hackosaur, a noted cyborgotanist, would knowingly design such a shoddy product, even on a meager $7 trillion budget."

According to reports, Hackerpol discovered that a corrupt saboteur had been hired by Dr. Hackosaur during the final stages of cyborg development. Sources have identified the dastardly 'scientist' as one "Dr. Dale Presidentay", posing as a researcher from The South, USA.

Hackerpol interviewed researchers on Dr. Hackosaur's team, and most noted that Presidentay acted suspicious from the start. While most researchers were using their iHackpads to carefully calibrate the Dynamite Cyborg, Presidentay was reading a book called "How To Sabotage A Cyborg" and bragging about bowling a 2400 series, which is only possible in Cuba, and definitely not The South.

"What we ended up with was a cyborg that frankly did not perform as well as I had hoped," said Hacksaw. "The Dynamite Cyborg kept saying that he was having trouble reading the grains of oak in the lanes, which is surprising since the lanes are made of mahogany. He then threw the challenge flag whenever he got a strike, as if he was not programmed to get a strike. Furthermore, I found it suspicious that when El Presidente stopped by, Dynamite thanked him for giving him life and talked about how much fun they were going to have in Cuba. I mean, it's not like El Presidente was in the lab, we would have noticed. But there was something about this Dale Presidentay character who hailed from The South that I found curious. In any event, the only reason I can think of as to why the Dynamite Cyborg was so shitty last week is because there was a traitor in our lab."

The Associated Press printed a transcript of a Twitter conversation between Dr. Dale Presidentay and an anonymous scientist in the lab, identified only by her Twitter handle, @drashleylyons:

@drashleylyons: I am so hungry where are the 'raccoons' lol

@drdalepresidentay: hello i am from the south you all, i reckon its time 2 change scores

@drashleylyons: what part of the south lol

@drdalepresidentay: the southern part, def not cuba lol what is mahoginny

@drashleylyons: why do u even work here lol i love burritos

@drdalepresidentay: what do u mean i am scientist from the south. yee haw where is pablo

@drashleylyons: wut lol when we r calibrating u r holding test tubes upside down lol amirite

@drdalepresidentay: lol how do u know? raccoons are always eating with you #insidejoke

@drashleylyons: @drdalepresidentay got your email. it's 'nuances' not 'noo onciz' lol

@drdalepresidentay: fav athlete of all time is El Presidente