According to sources, the handsome fellows will spend Saturday on the peak of Mt. Hackhorn, the most remote area of North America. Located above the foothills of La Cañada, Mt. Hackhorn is an estimated 332,000 feet from Bay Shore Lanes.
BDS will be staying in a rustic log cabin mansion built by team ringer and outdoor enthusiast John "Hacksaw" Serris. In an effort to champion his cause to increase environmental standards worldwide, the ruggedly-named Hacksaw Arctic Yard Observatory (HAYO) was constructed with all organic materials, including 80,000 different mahogany logs, one for each breed of the fine wood found in the world. The front door, for example, is comprised of a 7 foot thick piece of mahogany grown only in Quintero, Chile on Boulevard De Calcetìnes.
In order to reduce the carbon footprint, HAYO is powered by 32 trillion solar panels, which collect energy from Hacksaw's sun and use said energy to power 14,000 fans which blow carbon emissions towards San Bernardino and other places nobody gives a shit about. As a means to preserve as much of the natural habitat as possible, Hacksaw broke from the style of his other properties and installed a mere 13 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. Each one is surrounded by a 4 billion kilowatt electric fence that can turn any bird or mountain lion that gets within 200 yards of the lane to vapor in 2.5 nanoseconds.
Mt. Hackhorn was discovered by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while he was hiking the trails of Siberia; while looking for his emergency bottle of SoCo, Shot Boy casually glances to the southeast and noticed an uninhabited summit miles away from Santa Monica. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, immediately dispatched his real estate advisor, Hackosaur, to appraise Mt. Hackhorn.
"I sent Hackosaur up to the La Cañada civic center to make a deal. As the world's foremost expert on alpine summit purchases, he did his homework and made an offer. We were surprised to find we were the only bidder," said Hacksaw.
The spring weather at Mt. Hackhorn is cold and fierce, where nighttime temperatures rarely get above 50 degrees Farenheit. As such, each member of BDS will be equipped with boots made from the ankle hairs of 231 week old barbary servals, an endangered species on the brink of extinction in Algeria. Harvesting of the hair from the barbary servals during the limited window is difficult, and some say completely unnecessary, as the ankle hair of a 231 week old barbary serval provides no greater warmth than a $25 pair of boots from Target. Environmentalists also argue that while the Hacksaw Barbary Serval Harvest Alliance traditionally rewards each animal for its troubles by bequeathing unto them a $25 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster, the barbary servals often lose these gift cards because they don't have any pockets in which to carry the gift cards.
The HBSHA refuted those claims this week, stating that while gift cards are not as valuable to the consumer as a simple cash payment, nevertheless the are of value and it's not up to the merchant in these situations to take responsibility for the financial situation of a barbary serval. I mean that's just ridiculous.
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