Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, tired of one bullshit thing in TNT after another, dispatched his trusted adviser Hackosaur to investigate suspicious activity from last weekend's team post bowl.
According to TNT inside sources, league despot El Presidente announced during week 1 that week 2 was canceled due to some sort of nefariousness. However, once it was determined that the entity of Back Door Santa had made other plans, suddenly league bowling was not canceled. Thus, those handsome devils in Back Door Santa were forced to post-bowl on a Saturday in order to comply with the incredulous league secretary Tony "Dan" Cortese, who apparently never does anything ever that isn't bowling and as such was quite surprised that BDS was able to make alternate plans for a Thursday with only six days' notice.
Witnesses say that BDS showed up early on a Saturday morning, and almost immediately after the appearance of noted misanthrope and league Vice Presidente Ravi P. Coltrane, the temperature at Bay Shore Lanes reached a staggering 174 degrees, making it virtually impossible for the lads to post any sort of acceptable score. This phenomenon, known as the "Cuban hotbox", is described by scientists and law enforcement as an incident where the temperature inside a building reaches heights deemed virtually impossible to occur naturally; for example, when the temperature outside is 62 degrees and the temperature in the bowling alley is 174 degrees, and there is a high level of noted co-horts of El Presidente in attendance, who are bowling right next to you even though there are 22 other lanes open.
"The Cuban hotbox blurs the nuances and warps the grains in the mahogany," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "You may be bowling on the slick sturdy surface of a mahogany originating from Vaca Del Mar in Paraguay, but the heat creates a malleability in the wood that makes it perform, while in a Cuban hotbox, as though it's from the dense forests of Lago de las Tacones from Port-of-Spain. Obviously in this situation it's going to take more than a game to calibrate, and as soon as we figured out the accurate calibration, they turned the heat up higher."
In response, Hacksaw assigned Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on abnormal heating practices originating from the Caribbean, to the investigation in hopes that damning proof could be found to implicate El Presidente and give BDS a chance during a young summer season that's already seen a roughly 4,000% increase in fucking nonsense.
Hackosaur researched the Cuban hotbox phenomenon and determined that during each instance in history, there were several thematic constants:
- some sort of last minute scheduling change, enabling nefarious parties to deliver necessary equipment to a location
- stickyness applied to the floor of all bowling lanes so that bowlers are forced to use the lanes positioned at the apex of the heating equipment
- a corrupt league official, in this case Ravi P. Coltrane, in attendance to ensure the heating equipment is at full functionality
- a complex score rigging system, often found in Cuba, to inflate the scores of the opponent's bowling team to a hilarious level given that we witnessed them attempt to bowl the week before
- a series of suspicious road closures and traffic jams to ensure late arrival of Powderkeg, who is never late for non-airport driving reasons
In other news, the news desk didn't realize the time until just now and has to drive to bowling HAYO!!!!
HAYOOOOO!!!!
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