Financial analysts are worried that the world's largest recession may occur as millions of Americans have begun camping outside of the BDS Hermosa Estate in hopes of gaining entry into this year's Hacktoberfest celebration.
Known throughout as the world's most exclusive event, Hacktoberfest is the annual celebration of the barley and hop harvest from the fertile acres of Haüksaüw, a 7-trillion hectacre brewing facility owned by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris.
This year's Hacktoberfest is scheduled to take place on Saturday, November 3rd, and while that date is over six weeks away, many in line are hoping that they can at the very least catch a whiff of the historic ales being served, and possibly even gain entry into the event.
"There's no fucking way any of these people are getting into Hacktoberfest," said Hacksaw during a press conference at Haüksaüw. "I've said it a million times, but there are only two kinds of people who are invited: people as handsome as the members of BDS, or people who possess the championshipality of BDS. I have no idea what the fuck these people are doing - I mean there are millions of people waiting in line outside of Dynamite's house, and that must be true because you're reading this."
The Fed is concerned that this will adversely effect the economy as these people have left jobs and thus won't have any money to pump back into the nation's economy once they are ultimately turned away at the door. Furthermore, health insurance costs are expected to skyrocket as many of the hopeful miscreants will need treatment for hound bites - especially the slower individuals who were unable to outrun the hounds that will be released.
"I admire their hope," Hacksaw continued from Haüksaüw. "Without hope, there is nothing. I remember being a young lad, gazing at the sun from the 849th deck of Row The Boat, wondering if I would ever be able to own it. But now I own the sun - a star 93 million miles away from earth - and that must be true because you're reading this."
Anticipation for Hacktoberfest is at an all-time high after word leaked that this year's BDS Ale would have over 7 trillion different flavors, brewed to fully complement the palate and meant to be enjoyed along with Hacksaw's signature diet sandwich, the 2x4. The ale contains barley cultivated from the soconium-rich soil at Haüksaüw and is infused with a new spice, shotrika, recently discovered on the surface of the sun by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
"I was on the roof deck of my new Santa Monica estate Saturday, and since I just moved in I haven't had time to install a clock," said Shot Boy. "Thus, I casually glanced at the sun and noticed what appeared to be a genus of spice historically unavailable on planet earth, so I alerted Hacksaw and we took a quick trip up there to investigate. The point is, I casually discovered a spice growing on the surface of the sun merely by glancing at it, and then in four days Hacksaw and I traveled to the sun and back to harvest the spice. We did it so quickly that nobody even noticed we were gone, but I don't see any scenario in which this didn't actually happen, just as sure as you're reading this."
In other news, TNT despot El Presidente released a statement concerning Hacktoberfest via the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast.
"The fact of the matter is, no matter what those dirty American financial analysts think, millions of people waiting outside for Hacktoberfest will have no impact on the economy," the statement read. "I estimate that 47% of those people are paying no taxes anyway. However, as a good will gesture, I will work together with league secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese to arbitrarily change league rules on a weekly basis."
In yet other TNT news, league secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese traveled to New York City this week to accept an award from the American Marketing Association. The AMA recognizes email marketers who have their "ear to the ground" and "finger on the pulse" of customers, those with the skills to use a "seemingly unrelated and private email list of bowlers" to "badger them about fucking cats."
"Dan has a strong track record of email marketing acumen," said AMA president and official BDS counsel First Captain Kevin Meister. "No matter how many times we've asked, he doesn't use the BCC function for league emails, which is literally right next to the CC function, regardless of what email program you're using. Using the nefarious BCC function negates one's ability to learn the thoughts and whimsical mental pastries of a fellow bowler, especially if you don't know who the fuck they are."
No comments:
Post a Comment