On the even of their 2012 Fall Championship season, Back Door Santa has sent their weakest link, Dynamite Chris Parish, to an outpatient rehabilitation center so that he can recover from the disastrous effects of his controversial weight loss regimen.
In the six weeks leading up to his wedding in early August, Dynamite lost 20 pounds by eating less, running every day, and cutting back on his alcohol intake.
"He figured that since he lost 20 pounds by eating 3 small meals a day, not drinking every night, and running all the time, he could double his weight loss by doubling the meals and drinking. Essentially he has spent the last month eating whatever the fuck he wanted, drinking a shit ton of Jim Beam, and running zero. Surprisingly this plan backfired," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
Reports out of BDS training camp detailed a fat, slow, lethargic Dynamite who seemingly has been unable to control his caloric intake, can barely stay awake, and has lost control of his nuance detection due to the grease between his ears. He's been so lazy that he forgot to upgrade the hOS on his HackPad; had he done so, the HackPad would have definitely calculated that he was going about his training regimen incorrectly.
"I will be god damned if we lose the championship this season because that fat ass is just a big piece of shit," Tabon continued. "Fall season is our favorite season and we have lofty goals. I mean that lazy fuck only just found his dirty socks in his bowling back this morning - socks that he wore on July 19th. They have been sitting in his bowling back since July 19th. That is the last time he bowled, 20 pounds ago. I mean holy shit."
Dynamite was picked up this morning and driven to the Hay-O Clinic, the world's newest and top weight rehabilitation center, located on the remote 39th floor of Hacksaw's luxury yacht, the aptly-named Row The Boat. The Hay-O Clinic boasts a 14 story disco nightclub, an 800 acre llama farm, a 7 mile motorcross track, as well as 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.
In other news, Hacksaw announced that he had reached a deal with The Cheesecake Factory to open a chain of restaurants at the Hayo-O Clinic.
"One of the top goals of the Hay-O clinic is to provide food to the patients," said Hacksaw at a news conference. "Now I didn't do a whole lot of research on the nutritional value of Cheesecake Factory meals, but it's no surprise that they were itching to brand themselves with the Hacksaw name."
Early blueprints show that there will be a Cheesecake Factory located in each of the 967 wings of the clinic, and they will serve their new signature dish, the "2x4". The tasty sandwich is comprised of two one pound llama patties, four two pound beef patties, applewood-smoked bacon, mayo, garlic aioli, smoked apple bacon, gouda cheese, Miracle Whip, Canadian bacon, a pork chop, potato salad, organic arugula, Jimmy Dean's sausage, sausage gravy, and light balsamic dressing piled onto a 1/4 pound buttermilk biscuit.
"A lot of people would just throw ranch on there, but we're a diet center so we've got to respect the needs of our patients," said Hacksaw.
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