Tired of the inconsistencies and half truths prevalent in the left-and-right wing media's portrayal of American history, TNT ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had purchased the entire American history.
"It's with great pleasure that I announce my purchase of the history of the United States of America," said Hacksaw during this week's press conference. "For too long, our precious schoolchildren have been forced to learn incorrect facts and flat-out lies that have been perpetuated by our irresponsible media and textbooks. The Hacksaw family has, for generations, kept detailed records of events and individuals who were influential in building this great land."
According to sources, Hacksaw reached his limit this past week when Ann Coulter of Fox News called the President a retard, without giving credit to some of the great retards who helped build and destroy this nation, like George W. Bush. He dispatched his trusted advisor, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on historical anecdotal actualization, to Washington DC to begin negotiations with Congress to purchase the entity of American history. Hacksaw was surprised to find that he was the only bidder, and the US Congress quickly accepted his offer of $46 trillion dollars.
Ivy League scholars across the land hailed Hacksaw's purchase as a victory for the factual accuracy and history of the United States.
"No longer will our schoolchildren be subject to the story of Johnny Appleseed," said incumbent Harvard President Drew Gilphin Faust. "Instead, they will learn the story of Hackie Mahogaseed, who traveled this great land on foot planting millions of mahogany trees with a dream that one day, every American would be able to realize his or her God given right to learn the nuances."
Textbook giant Simon & Schuster worked this week to advance copies of its new version of The History of the United States, complete with a finally accurate re-telling of the Boston Hops Party. According to the newly accurate version, citizens of Boston became enraged when the British crown sent only 4 million different kinds of hops to the colonies, far less than what was needed to brew BDS Ale for 1773's Hacktoberfest. The citizens banded together under the darkness of nightfall to throw the bushels of hops into the Boston Harbor, yelling "All hail Ye Olde Hacksawe and his merry brewers!". Aye, twas a good time.
The new textbooks also updated their factual information regarding the Teapot Dome scandal of 1922. During the scandal, members of President Warren G "Money" Harding's administration were convicted of taking bribes and handing out uncontested contracts to three US corporations who received the right to mine the lush mahogany forests near Teapot Dome, Wyoming. The corporations at the time controlled 99% of the US mahogany industry until 2010, when the industry was consolidated and sold to Hacksaw Inc for $1987 quadrillion dollars.
To celebrate his recent purchase, Hacksaw flew to Boston this week aboard Johnnie Skymaster to take part in a recreation of the Boston Hops Party. The Herald reported that Hacksaw had a wicked retahded toss of his first bushel, converting a 7-10 seagull split to the surprise of no one, and at one point reached an accuracy level of 13.47589694876 units, as measured by the HackPad 14.
In other BDS news, team captain my captain announced that filling in for Hacksaw this week would be league favorite Tara LaRue Johnson of the Center Against Nuance Scoreboarding (CANS).
"I'm quite pleased to help BDS this week, as is everyone associated with my CANS," said LaRue Johnson in a statement to the media. "Too often, TNT league matches are derailed by people who seem kind of nice but in actuality are just constantly watching the scoreboard like a bunch of bitches. We here at CANS strive to use our 'CANS-do' to prevent this sort of thing. You can be sure that my CANS will be on prominent display this week as I attempt to lure eyeballs away from the scoreboard and towards something a little more intriguing and bouncy."
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