In an effort to thwart Republican efforts to shut down PBS, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached an agreement to purchase the Public Broadcasting Network.
The announcement was made this morning at a press conference aboard Hacksaw's 200 ft luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat", where Hacksaw also noted that he was changing the name of PBS' flagship show Sesame Street to Hacksaw Lane in an effort to engage the show with 21st century audiences.
"The annual cost per American to run PBS is $1.32. It's fucking ridiculous that Republicans have been threatening to shut down PBS for ten years. So fuck those fuckers, I bought it, and we're going to blow this shit out," said Hacksaw. "Hackosaur set up extensive focus groups this week, and we've made changes to some of the shows and characters in an effort to broaden our reach and of course profitability."
In one of the first changes, Hacksaw announced that Big Bird would now be called Hack Bird Presented by Johnnie Foodmaster.
"Mitt Romney is a fucking lying fuck, and fuck him for threatening to kill Big Bird," Hacksaw continued. "Well fuck him - now he can't because Big Bird doesn't exist. Instead, you'll have to aim your sights at Hack Bird, and good fucking luck getting through his security team."
Hacksaw also introduced the Hack Bird Five, a HAYO-trained assault force sworn to protect Hack Bird at all times. Each week the HBF will follow Hack Bird around as he teaches youngsters how to read, write, and hit their marks regardless of the degree of mahoganic difficulty. If an assailant so much as gets within 400 yards of Hack Bird, each member of HBF is prepared to shoot his or her soconium-powered 6 billion MM Gatling Hackers - capable of downing an adult stegosaurus from 6,000 yards in one shot, should the opportunity present itself.
In conjunction with the press conference, Hacksaw took the opportunity to introduce the shows slated for the PBS fall schedule.
Hacksaw Lane - The flagship of PBS for over forty years, Hacksaw Lane will continue to be produced by Henson Studios, albeit with 40,000 times the annual budget they had when publicly funded. The new budget allowed for some upgrades to fan favorite characters, including Oscar the Grouch, who moves from a garbage can into a luxury 24 karat solid gold dumpster.
Soconium Company - Hacksaw hired director Martin Scorsese to revive the 70's show and adapt it to modern times.
The Hack Bird Hour - Hacksaw Lane veteran Hack Bird will host a one hour talk show with his new sidekick, Strikealupagus, a hairy elephant-like creature known for his deft touch on the bowling lanes. TMZ reported that the first guest on Hack Bird's new show will be BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, stopping by to dish
Brewing With Uncle Hacksaw - BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who recently purchased PBS, will host a new cooking show aimed at teaching youngsters how to safely brew their own beer.
PBS Cribs - Each week, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris will invite Americans into his various properties and estates during an intimate 30 minutes, highlighted by the first episode, when cameras were allowed for the first time on the sun.
Shot Boy's Halloween Special - A spooky hour that's not for the faint of heart, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon sits by the fireplace and tells the story of an evil goblin who fucking ruins everything, gee I wonder why we don't talk to you anymore.
PBS Nightly News with El Presidente - Airing at midnight, TNT despot El Presidente covers the news of the day and the various inaccuracies reported by the incompetent American media.
Where's Pablo? - This new show stresses fun and learning when a group of kids visit bowling alleys across the land searching for the mythical Pablo Lyons. When three side-by-side lanes show 7-10 splits after a ball hits the pocket, Where's Pablo? Weekly fun for the whole family, with sexy results.
My So-Called Hackosaur - A new reality show based on the life and times of a handsome dinosaur, revived in the 21st century by way of ancient DNA and guile.
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