A wild day on Wall Street concluded today with a savvy chain of events, beginning with Hacksaw Inc selling its shares of Johnnie Foodmaster to Whole Foods (WFM), then several hours later purchasing all shares of Whole Foods (WFM) and becoming the exclusive owner.
"In an effort to streamline the supply of organic hops to Häuksäuw, my investment team determined that it was in our best interests to purchase Whole Foods outright," said BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris in a statement to the Federal Trade Commission. "In order to minimize our outbound cash flow, we decided to liquidate our Johnnie Foodmaster holdings and sell our shares to Whole Foods. We then concluded that the next logical step would be to purchase all shares of Whole Foods."
According to sources, Hacksaw met throughout the night with his investment team, led by Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on stock trade haberdashery. They spent several seconds crunching numbers on their Hackpads, after updating the software to hOS v 124.3. Shares of Whole Foods opened Wednesday at $94, and jumped 10% to $103.40 once news spread that Whole Foods had reached a deal to purchase Johnnie Foodmaster. However, once more news spread that Hacksaw, as part of the deal, would not be a board member at Whole Foods, shares of Whole Foods fell dramatically to -$467. At this point, any shareholder has to pay someone to take shares off of their hands. After several seconds, an investment group led by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris arranged a deal to accept shares of Whole Foods from anyone willing to pay the balance of the shares plus a service fee of $19.95/share. That is, once a shareholder paid Hacksaw $467 plus $19.95/share, they were able to unload their worthless stock. Hacksaw was able to acquire all existing shares, a total of 184.67 million, making $3.68 billion dollars in service fees.
Once the news spread that Hacksaw had become the majority shareholder of Whole Foods (WFM), the stock price surged from -$467/share to $5,698/share - bringing Hacksaw's total profit for six seconds of trading to $1.118 trillion dollars (US).
"We're excited to welcome Whole Foods into the Hacksaw family of assets," Hacksaw's statement continued. "The synergy this deal brings - combining the fine organic hops along with the 4 million varieties of barley produced at Häuksäuw - will guarantee only the utmost quality of BDS Ale for the foreseeable future."
According to Hackapedia, the new and accurate source of US history, this was the most profitable purchase in United States history since 1803, when a group of investors led by Klaus Häuksäuw Von Guile acquired 828,000 square miles from France at the price of 3 cents/acre - nearly doubling the size of the United States at the time. The Häuksäuw Swindle (called the "Louisiana Purchase" at the time) included all of present day Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahmoa, Kansas, Nebraska, and some other shit.
Hacksaw's first order of business after purchasing Whole Foods was to appoint his protege, DynaGirl, as the new CEO. Since she's only like 1, she will be mentored by Hackosaur until she reaches the legal age of 18, wherein she'll take full control of Whole Foods.
"This is not a puppet regime," said Hacksaw. "I trust the instincts of DynaGirl and she'll have full control of inventory of products. Whole Foods will continue to supply all of the foods she holds most dear, including organic spinach pouches, kale, oatmeal bars, more spinach pouches, yogurt, what you don't like yogurt pouches anymore? Ok how about this mac and cheese. No? OK what are you pointing at. You want your sippy cup? Yes? No? Now you want the yogurt. Yeah throw it on the floor, thanks. I'll pick it up again, this is a fun game."
In other news, the Associated Press released footage of two soconium-powered 18 wheelers leaving the grounds of Häuksäuw Wednesday night to begin the treacherous journey to Hermosa Beach for Hacktoberfest. According to reports, one of the 18 wheelers houses the two kegs of beer, and the other is a mobile transport for Hack Team Five, tasked with protecting the beer from thieves for rapid fans who get too close to the vehicle. The ales are scheduled to arrive in Hermosa Beach on Saturday morning, tapped during Opening Ceremonies while participants enjoy the Bloody Marys of Excellence and a hearty Guile Breakfast.
In yet other news, TMZ is reporting that BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has filed for divorce from his boo of two months, Marissa Miller-Tabon, with the official reasoning being style cramping. Inside sources say that Miller-Tabon had been pestering Shot Boy for weeks to get an invitation to Hacktoberfest before displaying the necessary guile and accuracy desired in all attendants.
"I was brushing my teeth at my estate in Santa Monica," said Shot Boy to TMZ. "While applying toothpaste, I casually looked over my shoulder and noticed the official Hacktoberfest mugs recently delivered to Dynamite and housed in Hermosa Beach. It was then that I knew my wife was never going to love mahogany like I do."
And finally this week, the NCAA released its full schedule of championship games this week to be shown during Hacktoberfest, including:
Alabama vs LSU
Oregon vs USC
Michigan vs Minnesota
I mean holy shit HACKTOBERFEST IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYNAMITE
No comments:
Post a Comment