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| Reporters swarm today's press conference shortly before masturbating |
Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons held a press conference this afternoon to address damning allegations that he no longer loves to bowl, but rather has an affinity for it when there's time in his busy schedule.
Sources told ESPNBDS that the allegations surfaced this week after Powderkeg told his team he would be unavailable for this week's match without giving a reason.
"It's quite unlike Powderkeg," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "He's usually the first one at the lanes, getting a humidity report for the rest of the team, crunching numbers on his HackPad. Punch in at 9, clock out at 5, that's the plan. Dental school! Lisa needs braces."
"This is threatening to tear BDS apart," Clayton continued. "I don't know if there's any amount of deer antler spray that could overcome this."
To refute the allegations, Powderkeg held a press conference this afternoon and invited the media to ask any questions they wanted, as long as they were not about Powderkeg's conviction back in 2000 when he was allegedly a witness to two women being murdered by a jealous female who thought they were hitting on Powderkeg.
A transcript of the press conference was provided to ESPNBDS by The Huffington Post:
ABC News: Mr. Powderkeg, Charlie Gibson here. We know that you are missing bowling this week. Do you have any big plans for your family while they are in town?
PK: My family's not in town Charlie, I'm not sure where you got that information
ABC: Oh my apologies - I just assumed that since you were missing bowling, it was a situation where you had guests in town and they were reliant on you for transportation. That's something I think everyone would understand.
PK: Next question
FOX: Mr. Powderkeg, Shephard Smith here. All of us here at Fox News just wanted to say how delighted we were, and congratulations on your newborn child.
PK: Thanks Shephard but I am not a father of a newborn.
FOX: Oh - well I'm sorry for the confusion. We just assumed that since you were missing bowling, it had to be for something that can't be moved from a Thursday, such as the well being of another human life.
PK: Next question
CBS: Hi Handsome, Baba Walters here. Can you divulge any details of your worldwide travel this week? Where you'll be going, where you're staying?
PK: I'm not traveling anywhere this week, Barbara.
CBS: You'll be in California?
PK: Yes
CBS: Santa Monica?
PK: Yes
CBS: Is Bayshore Lanes still in Santa Monica?
PK: Yes
CBS: No further questions
CNN: Hi Powderkeg, Wolf Blitzer here. Do you have any comment on the new law passed by the State of California that prohibits restuarants from being open on any day but Thursdays?
PK: I'm not aware of any law like that
CNN: So what you're saying is, restaurants ARE allowed to be open every day of the week? Even on a Friday, which in the whole scheme of things is only one day later than Thursday, and is renowned for being a pretty great day for celebrations?
PK: Yeah I mean - you can go out any day you want, this isn't Cuba!!
In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has recanted his earlier claims that he was quitting the team, and will in fact show up for bowling on Thursday.
"I've never seen my boo so upset," said Tabon's wife, Megan Fox-Lyons-Tabon. "His whole world is shattered. An entire season of no caesar salads, and now he has lost control of his team. He tried to hide the pain by managing six thousand different handicap pots and raffles to appease the fucktards in TNT, rarely paying attention to the game at hand, but it was too much. However, he still loves bowling, that's why he'll be there Thursday. You can't question his love of bowling. I guess technically, however, you also can't measure it."
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