The fate of Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish hangs in the balance today after he and Hackosaur stormed into Skoal Headquarters in Memphis and took 40,000 tins of tasty tasty Peach Skoal hostage.
Memphis Police responded to a frantic 911 call from inside the building who reported a "handsome madman" who "left a trail of passed out ladies in his wake" and then "donned a snorkel and dove right into our fermentation tank."
According to sources, Dynamite decided that this would finally be the week that he quit dipping smooth tasty Skoal, just so tasty, why do you have to be bad for me my love. What have I ever done to you but enjoy you. So anyway official team wife DynaWife determined that it would be best for all parties involved if Dynamite started slowly and was allowed one tasty Peach Skoal a night, because you are a fucking asshole when you try to go cold turkey.
"It didn't work," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while addressing the media. "He had good willpower at first, but then on that second day he just lost his shit. Yelling at everyone, mouthing off, reaching for an empty bottle that wasn't there."
Witnesses report a handsome devil breaking into Hacksaw International Airport with some sort of shadow-y Tyranosaurus-like super-genius real estate agent/coach and boarding Yo Hacka Hacka. After a 3 femtosecond flight, the glorious airship landed in Memphis and the duo immediately broke into Skoal Headquarters. While Hackosaur casually formulated a cure for intestinal cancer on his Hackpad, Dynamite started bathing in fresh long-cut tobacco.
Police were immediately dispatched to the factory, but their flimsy guns were no match for Hack Team 5, who had flown in by Hackosaur when shit started to go down.
"All we can do is wait," said Memphis Police Chief I.P. Freely. "Let him do his thing, get it out of his system. I didn't get into this business to arrest a handsome man like that. Plus, I bet my entire pension on BDS tonight. I don't want Dynamite to be distracted about any pending repercussions for stealing a plane, flying across the country with a dynosaur without notifying the FAA, landing a 40,000 seat plane in Memphis on a street outside of a factory without permission or regard for human life, breaking into said factory, and then engaging in an armed standoff with local authorities. I just need him to do his thing and get back to Santa Monica in time for tonight's match."
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