Santa Monica, CA - Unhappy with the performance of several of the weekdays in 20HT, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is considering adding more Thursdays to the calendar week.
According to reports, Hacksaw commissioned his trusted advisor and legal partner Hackosaur to audit the past 12 months and determine the number of wins Back Door Santa had achieved on each of the original 7 days of the week.
"It blew my mind when he dropped the report on my desk," said Hacksaw. "The data speaks for itself. 100% of our wins have come on a Thursday. So I ask any analyst out there - if there is such a strong line of demarcation, doesn't it make sense to add more Thursdays to the week?"
"As a result, two days of the week formerly known as Monday and Saturday will potentially also be Thursdays, increasing the number of Thursdays in a given week by 200%," Hacksaw continued. "Now that's something I can get behind."
Hacksaw hopes that this change will also have a positive impact on team hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.
"He's the only team member bowling well this season," said Hacksaw. "Imagine how much better he would be if he didn't constantly have to ask if it's Thursday yet. Three days out of 7, he's going to know the answer."
In other team news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had his ball worked on this week in hopes that it will improve his dismal performance this season. According to sources, Dynamite removed the urethane cover and replaced it with the shell of the Pinta Island tortoise.
According to Hackapedia, this turtle is one of the few species of Giant Galapagos tortoises and
the rarest animal in the world - since there is only one left alive.
"Lonesome George" is the sole surviving member of the Pinta Island race, and analysts predict that George won't last much longer in the harsh Galapago islands without a shell for protection.
"I was devastated to hear the news about George and his pending demise," said Dynamite, an avid animal lover. "Mankind can be so cruel. As a result, I dedicate every strike I get this season in honor of Lonesome George. I should get a lot of strikes thanks to the improved accuracy and sheen of my new Pinta Island tortoise bowling ball."
And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon refuted reports that he was offended by the name of the latest awesome BDS tradition, the Piston Honda. The ACLU had reported that the name was offensive to all Japanese(?) Americans.
"I want to say to all my Chinese brethren, put down your arms and have a little fun out there," said Tabon.
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