Back Door Santa vs Turkey Juice: Breakdown

ESPN Headquarters
March 17, 2011

Editor's Note: ESPN's John Clayton was invited to breakdown the matchup this week between Backdoor Santa and Turkey Juice; the teams are currently tied for first place in TNT.

Bowling fans across the nation have been waiting years for a match of this magnitude, and it's finally here. Two great teams who take a different approach to the game. On one side, you have the consummate professionals of Turkey Juice, and on the other you've got the brash young upstarts in Back Door Santa. Much has been made of the splash BDS has made this season; the internet is abuzz with complaints about how distracting and unprofessional they are. Actually, the internet is not abuzz because the complainer probably doesn't use the internet for anything other than forwarding emails about Nigerian princes who want to donate millions of dollars if you just forward your bank account number. I digress.

First, let's meet the players on both teams:

Turkey Juice

Brandon "Ira" Hally - a free agent before the Fall 2010 season, Hally won over Turkey Juice fans with his whimsical throwing style and questionable pants. He's believed to be the only league member to shoot a 67 on the golf course and follow that up with a 255 bowling game on the same day. What a son of a bitch.

Ashley "Goeser" Lyontabon - there's nothing corny about this Iowa native's game, and she comprises roughly 100% of the team's overall handicap. Network coverage instituted a 7 second delay while broadcasting her matches due to her foul language.

Aaron "Mocha Lighting" Guyot - this Frenchman is looking to recapture the hearts of America after choking in the championship game last season, barely throwing a 600 series

Sub - since Ben is out this week, Turkey Juice will be relying on a sub for this game. Sources indicate this sub will definitely be a dirty cheater.

Back Door Santa

Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon - the noble player/manager of BDS is highly regarded across the league as the likely successor to corrupt league commissioner El Presidente. He's credited with building a winning team based on his core principles: drink a shitload and see what happens

Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons - this rugged rookie gave up a promising career in handsomology to enter the 2010 TNT draft. His skill and acumen more than make up for the female drama that follows him wherever he goes. Scouts agree that "he just loves to bowl."

John "Hacksaw" Serris - an avid fisherman, Hacksaw is a feared competitor whose only flaw is that he's often too accurate. Rumors have been circulating that game referees frequently forget that there are two teams out there whenever Hacksaw casually tosses one of his screamers at the pins.

Dynamite Chris Parish - analysts fear that Dynamite may never be the same after watching his beloved Sydney mowed down outside the church during her wedding to Craig Fields (played by TV's David Charvet). He remains BDS's wild-card and leads the league this season in average zackfox's per game.

Breakdown Analysis:

Skill: While Back Door Santa bring a long history of being handsome, most analysts would agree that Turkey Juice is one of the most skilled teams in history. Besting them in a head-to-head matchup would seem to be an almost impossible hill for BDS to climb. Throw in the constant and unfair criticism faced by Back Door this season - lawsuits by unions, fights against their well-deserved endorsement deals, girls having pillow fights to win their love - it's going to be difficult for them to focus enough for three games.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Ruggedness: According to John Hollinger's Ruggedness Efficiency Rating (RER), the gents on Back Door Santa are on pace to shatter the previous record, currently held by I Said PBR.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Heart: This is possibly the toughest category to determine, because you can't measure heart. Therefore, it's quite obvious that Edge: Back Door Santa

Intangibles: Aaron "Mocha Lightning" Guyot wears two different shoes. Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons can save puppies with his gaze.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Yacht: John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, has a 200-foot yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat." It's one of the many toys in his collection, along with the car in which Sonny Corleone was shot in "The Godfather" and the convertible driven by Sgt. Chris Lorenzo (played by TV's Rob T. Estes) on "Silk Stalkings."
Edge: Back Door Santa

Celebrity Fans: Hollywood starlets have been flocking to BDS matches this season. Sightings include Rachel Bilson-Lyons, Megan Fox-Lyons, Marion Cotilliard-Lyone, and of course Jack Nicholson-Tabon. Turkey Juice fans include but are not limited to Rebecca Black, that retard who sings that "Friday" song that lists the days of the week for some reason.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Overall: This is a tougher match to predict than any showdown in recent memory. The only real chance Turkey Juice has is if Dynamite Chris Parish needs more than 30 frames to figure out the nuances of the lanes. This has definitely not happened the last 3 weeks in a row so why should it happen now. How is it possible that someone can bowl for essentially 45 weeks straight and still throw the ball like a spazz. Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?
Edge: Even