Back Door Santa Retains Meister

Santa Monica, CA

The New York Times has learned that TNT league members Back Door Santa have retained the legal services of attorney Kevin Meister in their fight to maintain their pending Coors Light sponsorship.

"I have a long history with litigation, and several times I wasn't even the defendant. What El Presidente is trying to do to these handsome devils is an outrage," said Meister in a prepared statement. "I have been on Yahoo! Answers all week searching for information to help my compatriots in the battle for freedom. So far I've learned that if you have a sore finger you have AIDS, the easiest way to find a catsitter is LOL UR GAY, and Nickelback sucks SHUT UP NO WAY FAG."

The Times reports that tensions reached a high point this week during a New Year's Eve party in Havana, Cuba. El Presidente had sworn to BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon that he had nothing to do with the investigation. After Cuban guerillas stormed the party, Shot boy kissed El Presidente on the lips and said "I know it was you, El Presidente. You broke my heart." El Presidente's associates have advised him to stay the hell away from Lake Tahoe for the foreseeable future.

In other news, there was high drama on Twitter this week when someone with the handle "@moonlyons" started throwing grenades at an anonymous user identified only as "@ashleygoeserlyons". A Twitter spokesperson said the company was unable to identify either user as tension mounted. The New York Times was able to find the following tweets from @moonlyons in the Google cache:

- "@ashleygoeserlyons you betta keep your hands off or I will terminate your salvation"
- "@ashleygoeserlyons find your own handsome man who loves bowling and satisfies the ladies constantly and without fail"
- "RT me too pookiepants!! @nicklyons I just love to bowl"
- "RT what lol @nicklyons I can see you outside my window, this is creepy"
- "FollowFriday## @nicklyons @dynamite @hacksaw @shotboy @bdsequalsfreedom"
- "RT I no rite @elpresidente freedom is stupid."

Back Door Santa attempted to deflect interrogation as they huddled up aboard Hacksaw John Serris' 200 foot yacht, "Row The Boat", and practiced on his personal lanes in preparation for this week's showdown against Turkey Juice. This is not the first meeting between the two teams, but the first since rival dreamboat Brandon "Ira" Hally decided to bring his talents to Santa Monica.

"It's going to be a tough match, that's for sure," said Dynamite Chris Parish from the weight room. "My game has faltered a bit lately. We'll need to build up a sizeable lead, like 200 pins, before the last frame when Aaron throws seventy strikes. Speaking of sizeable, I'm lifting so much weight right now it's unbelievable."

In other news, the schedule has been released for Hacksaw's book tour to promote his upcoming memoirs, "Makin the Pizzas: Have a Dream By Two, By Four You Can Make It Happen" (editor's note: it took me ten minutes to come up with that). The tour will visit 35 cities in eleven hours.

"My fans always ask me what makes me great. I've got a limited amount of time and thus can't list all of the reasons plus you pretty much need to be born handsome for any of that other stuff to matter. But I talked to my legal advisor (played by TV's Kevin Meister) and he suggested I write the first of what will be many memoirs. I'm an avid fisherman so the thing pretty much wrote itself," explained Hacksaw to "Good Morning America."

In celebration of the book release, Simon & Schuster announced that they'll be hosting a party on St. Tabon's Day, this Thursday at Bayshore Lanes. The famed book publisher also announced it had donated $4 billion to Bayshore to upgrade its lanes in hopes that bowlers could get through two frames without half of the pins falling down out of the stupid machine where the fuck does our $15 go every week.