Tough Week For BDS

Santa Monica, CA

Back Door Santa has had to overcome numerous obstacles in the wake of their disputed sweep at the hands of The Cheaters during last week's matchup. In what The New York Times is called "a blatant attack against freedom," BDS lost four straight games and now stands to be out of the running for the league championship (haha sorry, that was even funny to type).

Nevertheless, our heroes must dust off their Italian dodo-skin bowling shoes as they face their biggest challenge to date: El Presidente.

"Jesus Christ this week is going to be annoying," said debonair team spokesman and weak link Dynamite Chris Parish. "As far as I can tell, El Presidente doesn't even bowl. His matches must take seven hours. I mean the dude is always on someone else's lane spewing his off-color brand of jibber jabber. One might think that this is just a motivational ploy he uses, but I can assure you he's not that intelligent. He's sickeningly corrupt and arrogant, but not intelligent."

ESPN is reporting that there is also a brewing rift between BDS team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. Sources told John Clayton that Dynamite contacted Shot Boy to schedule a meeting on Wednesday, but Shot Boy said he was too hung over to meet up like a little bitch. Dynamite then asked if Shot Boy's husband was available for a drink, to which Shot Boy responded "You're not my boss, you're not the king of me, I'm the fucking king of Shot Boy!!!"

The Los Angeles times confirmed that Shot Boy quit his job this week at Shooters so that he could fully concentrate on winning the league championship. This news did not sit well with rugged Jake Hanson, the owner of Shooters and former flame of Amanda Woodward, head of D&D Advertising. Hanson had just broken up with Jo Reynolds (played by TV's Daphne Zuniga) because she sucks and was about to nail hot ass Jane Mancini when Shot Boy delivered the news. Hanson was reportedly so angry that he took off his shirt and worked on his motorcycle.

In other BDS news, John "Hacksaw" Serris traveled to New York City to give an interview with Dateline NBC and try and make amends with his arch-nemesis Brian Williams. This proved futile when Hacksaw showed up at Williams' office and the door was locked; the NBC anchor refused to stop hiding under his desk for fear of another attack from Hacksaw. Within seconds Hacksaw had brandished his foam 2x4 and easily broke the lock using his combined pinpoint precision and brute strength. He then commented "HAYOOOOOOOOO" and boarded his private jet, Hacksaw One, so he could return to Santa Monica in time for this week's matchup.

In other other news, BDS rookie and resident heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons finally joined Twitter, and within one day had over a million followers, including @moonlyons who would not stop sending him sexy pictures. This coincided with an interview on Howard Stern, where Lyons stated that "I am on a drug. It’s called Powderkeg. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

When asked to elaborate on his exquisite bowling form, Lyons said "I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro."