TNT Awaits Newest Champion

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Uncle Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference this week to unveil his latest masterpiece, a $900 million Airbus converted into a flying jungle gym and youth center.

The flying vessel, the congruously-named "Yo Hacka Hacka", was built in preparation for the arrival of Back Door Santa's most handsome creation to date, Dynagirl.

"My niece Dynagirl was conceived via a combination of Dynamite's handsomeness and guile, and as such I felt that she needed to be raised on a steady diet of accuracy, good looks, and first-class travel."

Yo Hacka Hacka is 100 feet long, and can reach a top speed of 60,000 miles per hour. Its engine is powered by Soconium, a new element recently discovered during team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon's visit to the Mars Exhibit inside Hacksaw Square Garden. Witnesses say that Shot Boy had just finished taking in a MiniKeg concert when he casually glanced into the core of Mars and noticed a substance that seemed to contain 119 electrons, one more than the noble gas Ununoctium. A sample of the substance was sent to HAYO and analyzed by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost scientist and physical matter expert.

Testing confirmed Shot Boy's assumptions that the new element not only had 119 electrons, but was also a fuel 25 billion times more efficient and clean-burning than biodiesel. Upon hearing the news, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew down to Cuba aboard Johnny Skymaster and met with Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on building airplane engines out of newly-discovered elements. Within a few seconds, Dr. Hackosaur had built the Soconium-powered engine that was then installed aboard Yo Hacka Hacka.

Anyway, Yo Hacka Hacka boasts a nursery, a K-12 prep school currently ranked #1 in the nation, a seven-story outdoor swing set comprised entirely of Redwood lumber, a diamond district, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The plane will be the main method of BDS transportation for the remainder of the season as Dynagirl begins her championship training.

"I had some extra dollars floating around after winning the Most Outstanding Brew award at the 2011 Global Brewing Championships," said Hacksaw. "I didn't want my niece to suffer the same upbringing I had, when my parents couldn't afford or possibly didn't think it was safe to bring a zero year old to the bowling alley."

The Associated Press reported that Dynagirl will be whisked away from Cedars-Sinai within minutes of her arrival and transported via Johnny Skymaster to her new home aboard Yo Hacka Hacka. After daily feedings, she will attend 19-hour long training sessions with her coach, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on pin physics. Sources indicated that these plans may change if Dynagirl's mom reads this blog and demands to know what the fuck am I talking about.

"Newborns, especially newborns from my championship loins, tend to be almost too accurate at an early age," said Dynamite, the girl's alleged father and confirmed BDS weak link. "It's of utmost importance that she beings her training so as not to sully her family's good bowling name."

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons confirmed that he had signed on to star in a new movie to be directed by Martin Scorcese, "Two Teams". The flick will tell the story of a handsome bowling champion who infiltrates a bowling referee association and teaches them about equality and how there are two teams out there. The movie will feature a cameo from MLB Manager of the Year, Mocha Hurricane: Class 5.

"There's a really dramatic scene where my character, Chad Sexington, is wondering if the lanes will ever realize there are two teams out there. I'm about to give up when Mocha Hurricane comes in and reminds me how tough it is to beat my team even when you average over 200. The moral of the story, I think, is handsomeness."

And finally, in unrelated news, producers of the new TNT original series "Falling Skies" were forced to shut down production this week after the show's star, identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons", mysteriously disappeared and went on a Twitter binge. The tweets were printed by The Huffington Post (used with permission).

"lol u can be in a scorcese but not on my show? u r my falling skie"
"i wonder if the name @moonsexington is avail on twitter?"
"lol u shud @dynagirl it's warm in here. i'm going to wait at least another week"
"lol i no rite @elpresidente falling skies is not corrupt enuff lol"