Santa Monica, CA - On the eve of the birthday celebration in honor of Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, TNT despot El Presidente announced that he had hired Pablo Lyons as the new vice-president of his totalitarian regime.
"It is with great pride and trademark noncorruptionness that I announce the appointment of Pablo Lyons to the position of Vice President of Fairness for TNT," said El Presidente through the Cuban state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast. "As the best bowler in history, according to official Cuban records, I am looking forward to working on a daily basis with one of my most trusted advisors."
The move is sure to strike fear into the hearts of league members, as Pablo Lyons is the notoriously ruthless 20 year old illegitimate son of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. Legend has it that Pablo is so evil, within seconds after being born he started altering the scores of the Cedars-Sinai Doctors & Nurses bowling league. Upset with his son's lack of non-ruthlessness, a 16 year old Powderkeg underwent a controversial procedure to erase any memory of being the boy's father.
Mexican authorities have long suspected a tie between Pablo and Powderkeg based on Pablo's uncanny luck with the ladies. Rumor has it he has fathered 129 children of his own, including 16 year old Latin pop sensation MiniKeg. MK's first international hit, "Mi Abuelo Es El Powderkeg", contains many lyrics insinuating that he is the grandchild of Powderkeg.
"I've heard the song, no doubt," said Powderkeg to reporters. "I like the beat. If he is my grandchild then so be it. I just didn't think I could have a grandson since I didn't have any children. I always assumed my handsomeness could cross generational lines. Then I was reminded during the BDS spring meeting that I do in fact have a child, and his name is Pablo. And he's evil. And El Presidente just hired him. This is exactly what I thought was going to be the top story this week after hearing rumors during the spring meeting."
According to official TNT documents, Pablo Lyons will be in charge of recording scores each week, continuing a role he held in the Mexican Bowling Association as El Heado of Changingo Scoros Blatantlyo. It remains to be seen if this new scientific and pencil-written approach to scorekeeping will help El Presidente's team move up the rankings, as they currently sit in below last place.
In other BDS news, invitations went out this week to a birthday party honoring Back Door Santa captain my captain and official birthday boy, Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. The fete will be hosted by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris aboard his private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster." In preparation for the event, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, recently installed a custom-built rollercoaster so that guests could enjoy a ride after snacking on an array of luxurious appetizers including manatee sliders, ancient salmon caviar, and buffalo eagle wings. The coaster, the felicitously-named Hackscraper, is 200 miles long and reaches speeds of 574 knots at its peak.
The event will also be a celebration of Shot Boy's recent wedding to Swiss starlet Desiree Armeenyfe-Tabon. Officiated by their friend Friar Hackosaur on the deck of HAYO in Cuba, the nuptials were the culmination of a whirlwind week-long romance that saw the happy couple travel the globe aboard Hacksaw's 200-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil Soco". The couple were joined on their trip by Major League Baseball manager of the week, Mocha Hurricane Class 5, skipper of the first place Los Angeles Beer Frames. He entertained the lovebirds during the 3 minute (including bathroom breaks) voyage with his array of trick pitches, most notably The Headhunter.
"It's going to be a great party," said Hacksaw. "It will be a nice break for me, as I've spent most of this week engaging in one of my favorite pasttimes, ordaining ancient dinosaurs brought to life by ancient DNA and guile."
In injury news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish reported that he had been diagnosed this week with plantar fasciitis, known in medical circles as "the injury of champions" which afflicts such notable winners as Zydrunas Ilgauskas. The ailment, which fucking kills, comes at a bad time because Dynamite just lost 11 points on his handicap due to the unfortunate strategy of bowling better this season.
The injury was first reported on Twitter by an unnamed source, identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons". The tweets were printed this week by The Huffington Post (re-printed with permission).
"lol outside doctor's office. Looks lyke planter fashee-whatever lol"
"wait wut the fuck RT@dynamite foot hurts but congrats to Shot Boy and Mrs. Shot Boy"
"you won't be nootral for long bitch RT@desireetabon I luv chocolate and clint"
"lol i no rite @elpresidente pablo sure can fix a scorecard! i luv cheeting"
Pablo will be no match for the allure of the golden bowler. We broadcast a tiny pixellated image of it via Libyan TV and Qaddaffi's troops stopped fighting for 17 hours. After it's unveiling we're thinking of broadcasting it round the clock in order to stop the mad colonol's rampage.
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