Havana, Cuba - After news broke this week that Latin pop sensation MiniKeg was possibly the grandson of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, millions of fans rushed the stage during his concert in Havana on Tuesday night.
The event was planned as a celebration of his father, Pablo Lyons, being hired by ruthless TNT despot El Presidente. The concert went on without a hitch until the band strummed the first ukelele chords of MiniKeg's international dance hit "Mi Abuelo Es El Powderkeg"; fans then rushed the stage, overpowering security forces in order to get a closer look at the handsome seed of Powderkeg's championship loins.
According to witnesses, MiniKeg was immediately crushed under the weight of an estimated 7,000 beautiful women, and was gasping for air until he was rescued a special ops team of Navy SEALs led by Lt. Commander Hackosaur. The team parachuted out of a hovering 300-ft long helicopter, the pertinently-named "Hack-A-Whirl", and whisked away the pop star before anyone knew what had happened.
According to the Associated Press, the real hero is BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, who was hiking in Nepal as part of his weekly Captain's Retreat with Bowling Wallendas manager FC Kevin Meister. Shot Boy looked over his shoulder and noticed that there was some sort of violence taking place in Havana, Cuba, so he called Lt. Commander Hackosaur from his iPhone 11 and asked him to check things out.
The official Cuban state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, issued a statement after the riots.
"We challenge the liberal media to find any evidence that a dinosaur flew into Cuba on a helicopter after receiving a phone call on an iPhone model 7 versions newer than the models currently available on apple.com. It is libelous to suggest that the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban records, the benevolent El Presidente, would ever allow a violent incident like this to take place on Cuban soil. Next the liberal media will probably suggest that El Presidente fixes scores. This entire paragraph makes no sense we just realized because Cuba is a Communist nation which is actually the most extreme version of liberalism. Although we are not going to look it up."
After the long 14 second journey back to Santa Monica from Nepal aboard Johnny Skymaster, FC Meister turned his attention to his latest case, defending BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish from sexual harassment charges. According to police reports, there was an incident during last week's league matchup where Dynamite was caught staring a hole through an engaged chicks ass. Witnesses said that Dynamite moved his head from left to right, an obvious move from a savvy sexual harasser to check out an engaged chick's ass through his peripheral vision. Despite a stern warning from the victim's bodyguard/non-fiance to "stop checking out her ass, bro", a smug Dynamite ignored the warning and turned his attention the scoreboard, as if anyone was going to believe that was his intention in the first place.
"Things don't look good for Dynamite," said Meister. "From the outside, this feels like an open and shut case. Who knows what would have happened if her bodyguard wasn't secretly in love with her and protecting her, thinking eventually she'd come around and see that true love was right in front of her this whole time, just like in the movies. However, if I can successfully defend Hacksaw from a powerful union, I'm sure I can prove to the jury that just because the defendant had his eyes open doesn't necessarily prove he was looking at anyone in particular."
In other news, the concert violence in Cuba prompted BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris to finish construction of his latest wonder of the world, a 450,000 seat ampitheater, the veritably-named "Hacksaw Square Garden." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, designed the venue as the home stage of Latin pop sensation and BDS-favorite MiniKeg. The building boasts its main stage, seven acres of 24,000 watt lights, a 56,000 gallon aquarium to house the world's first humpback whale petting zoo, 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications, and Mars, which was towed out its orbit last week by Johnny Skymaster and placed in its new home.
"I got tired of waiting to find out if there was life on Mars," said Hacksaw to ABC News. "I had some time last week so I flew up there and got it. MiniKeg shows typically have a lot of intermissions, so I thought it would be fun for the fans to play around on Mars."
Hacksaw Square Garden is being billed as the "world's safest place ever", with security forces being trained by the United States' top defense specialist and Navy SEAL, Lt. Commander Hackosaur. Each fan who attends a MiniKeg concert will have his or her own dedicated 5-man security team to help protect against riots.
The Huffington Post printed the remainder of Hacksaw's lengthy interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer.
DS: Why do you think the US Government has been historically reluctant to bring Mars down to earth?
JS: I think it's a lack of guile.
DS: What are the odds that anyone on your team is ever going to look up the world "guile"?
JS: Very low
DS: An anonymous source, identified only by her Twitter handle "@moonlyons", tweeted that your teammate Dynamite should not be worried about his sexual harassment case because logically he would never check out another girl lol. Are you worried?
JS: I am a little, Diane. Things get out of control when we're on the lanes. One minute we're calmly figuring out the nuances, the next thing you know we unleash a convoy of excellence. Many people have left TNT because we're too rowdy, and they want the freedom to not have any fun. It's easy for us because we're handsome, but bowling is serious business.
DS: At this point, what the fuck does this blog have to do with bowling?
JS: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, DIANE. NO, IT'S OVER
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