El Presidente Honors BDS

Santa Monica, CA -

Beloved TNT despot El Presidente awarded the El Presidente Medal of Excellence to Back Door Santa this week, during the Annual El Presidente Honors (hosted by Billy Crystal), to commemorate their record-setting matchup against El Presidente's team last week.

According to the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, Back Door Santa recorded the fewest number of losses ever in a head-to-head matchup against El Presidente, with four. The Back Door Santa blog was given permission to run an excerpt from the sports section of Corruption Enthusiast describing the event:

"His heart heavy with the burdens of being the fairest leader in the land, the honorable El Presidente registered nary a 400 game, but still took the time to acknowledge the love and adoration of the millions of supporters who showed up at Bayshore Lanes for a mere glimpse of their handsome leader and his tireless efforts against corruption and match-fixing. The match took over seven hours as the other players patiently waited for El Presidente to I don't know, maybe show up and bowl when it's his turn instead of parading around the lanes in his Affliction t-shirt and having no regard for the schedules of the common man. When asked to comment, local merchant and Bayshore Waiter/Giggolo Josh, his eyes rolling with honor of El Presidente, could only muster the most respectful whimper: What the fuck are you talking about, a million people, who the fuck writes this shit."

In other news, noted bowling scientist Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5! wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times this week, simply titled "Are you fucking kidding me":

"You mean to tell me that I hand calculated over 7 billion variables for each of you fucks and you have lost 7 of 8 games? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean what the fuck are you even doing out there? Oh Captain My Captain's handicap is going to go up 70 pins. Seventy fucking pins! You all go out there with your hayos and your nuances and then you fucking pull down your pants and shit on your own fucking bowling balls. Now granted, you're handsome, and might I say quite handsomely-pantsed - and let's not forget that it's virtually impossible to bowl when you have women getting pissed that you didn't buy them a shot even though they've never bought you a shot in three years and - hold on, just checking some data - yup, you've never dated. But the point is this: you've learned the true meaning of Christmas."

In BDS news, our handsome heroes spent the week aboard Yo Gabba Gabba with noted anti-suck spokesdinosaur Hackosaur in an effort to determine the precise reason why BDS has lost two weeks in a row. Through a myriad of scientific methods, the exact reason was identified, but he then gave a bunch of excuses such as having a daughter and also not having a job and what the fuck do you want jesus christ.

In unrelated news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish gave a statement to the Associated Press defending himself against anonymous allegations that he's the reason why BDS has lost two weeks in a row.

"I know they're tired of my renegade ways. I'm a loose canon! I don't have any evidence that my team is preparing to replace me with a 3 month old girl. But I do have a lot of hearsay and conjecture, and those are KINDS of evidence?" said Dynamite. "The point is this: the other members of Back Door Santa have had it out for me ever since I accidentally ran over Hacksaw's cherished foot with my car. Replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and "foot" with "$7 million albino gazelle."

Moving along, planning was underway this week to begin brewing the greatest beverage known to man: Hacksaw's Annual Yield: Oktoberfest - aka HAYO. Rumor has it that team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has corralled the world's foremost barley investors, including Sammy Adams IX, to fund the brew that will highlight this year's Hacktoberfest. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, plans to grow the special hops and barley necessary for HAYO on Saturn, which he fucking owns by the way, what do you own. So anyway I told Amy that Hacksaw is making HAYO and she's like "are you fucking kidding me, when is it going to be ready" and I'm like damn woman, these things take time but the point is, there's a hidden message here: Hacksaw, get crackin.