Hacksaw Purchases The Sun

Santa Monica, CA -

Unsatisfied with the amount of sunlight his barley crops at Haüksaüw had been receiving in preparation for the fall harvest, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had finalized a deal to purchase the sun.

"I need to grow roughly 17 metric tons of barley a day," said Hacksaw at the news conference. "I'm getting at most 12 hours of sunlight a day at Haüksaüw, and that's just unsatisfactory. Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to own the sun. Thus, I commissioned Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on celestial real estate, and had him meet with our board of directors to put together a plan. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidders."

The deal was initially held up by the United States Justice Department, who began an investigation into whether or not the deal would create a monopoly, in that after the purchase Hacksaw would, along with Saturn and Mars, own 30% of the solar system. During the hearings, Hacksaw reminded investigators that the deal was merely a means through which Hacksaw could produce the world's finest beverage, Hacksaw's Annual Yield: Oktoberfest aka HAYO. During the recent Kennedy Barley Honors, HAYO was awarded the nation's top prize based solely on hearsay, as there has yet been a drop of HAYO produced.

In order to harness the power of sun more efficiently, Hacksaw built a $9 trillion monitoring station in its core. The monitoring station, named the Solar Auditing Workstation (or SAW), is equipped with a sunscreen factory, a curling rink, an 18-hole executive golf course, a Soconium synthesis lab, a Westminster dog kennel, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. SAW will calculate the sun's output every 14 femtoseconds to make sure that enough power is emitted to provide adequate photosynthesis for the barley at Haüksaüw. If the sun's power is deemed inadequate, it will be boosted by an auxiliary Soconium-powered generator designed by Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on solar boost modifications. The generator is capable of producing 9,000,000 petawatts of energy per second.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew to the sun at 9am Thursday morning aboard Johnnie Skymaster, which was recently outfitted with a compression chamber to make space travel more comfortable to its passengers. Once he was back on earth at 9:15am, he deemed the purchase a success and began barley operations at Haüksaüw.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was fitted by Caterpillar construction company with a special edition Back Door hard hat this morning in preparation for his visit to The Construction Zone tonight. Caterpillar announced that it would be producing 1500 replicas of Shot Boy's hard hat and selling them on eBay, with proceeds going towards The Shot Boy Foundation, a non-profit organization that helps people find a sense of humor. The bidding for the helmets started at $190,000 each.