Hacksaw Purchases LionsGate

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had finalized a deal to purchase LionsGate films for $6.9 billion.

According to Variety, the deal was consummated this week after Hacksaw became increasingly tired of teammate Dynamite Chris Parish's late arrivals to bowling. Insiders say that LionsGate, under direct orders from former majority shareholder El Presidente, had been scheduling last-minute Thursday night meetings every damn week for Dynagirl co-guardian DynaWife, ensuring that Dynamite would not be able to leave the Hermosa estate at an appropriate time.

"It's become increasingly aware that it's up to someone of my vast wealth to eliminate El Presidente's nefarious practices one by one," said Hacksaw. "With El Presidente on the board of directors at LG, I knew the only way I could prevent these late meetings was by engaging in one of my favorite types of corporate takeovers - the hostile takeover. I will never stop asserting my cromulence in an effort to support my teammates."

According to inside studio sources, the former board of LionsGate arrived to work Monday to find Hacksaw's Head of Entertainment Purchases, Hackosaur, already sitting the board room. Witnesses said that Hackosaur wrote down a number on a piece of paper, but the board voted to approve the purchase 12-1 without even looking at the figure. Later that day, Hacksaw was surprised to find out that he was the only bidder.

Shares of LionsGate, embiggened by the arrival of new CEO Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, rose 6 trillion percent in early trading on Wednesday.

Also in the news this week, Nielsen analysts predict record viewers on channel ESPNBDS tonight as it's the final bowling match for Back Door Santa before the team splits up for its annual charity golf match on Monday. The Tournament of Handsomeness, held this year at Robinson Ranch, helps raise money to combat non-championshipness in America's youth. Golfers can bid to win a chance to play alongside a member of Back Door Santa. This year's winner, a handsome Canadian named Kenneth Daug, bid $3 Canadian, or $50,000 US.

In other league news, a secret vote by league members was held late last Thursday, barring El Presidente from visiting their lanes during league play because when he does, some bullshit always happens. Also, his team wouldn't mind finishing a match in under seven hours.