Powderkeg Threatened By Terrorist

Santa Monica, CA -

The FBI announced today that they had received a terrorist threat directed at Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"Typically the types of threats we receive about Powderkeg are suicidal in nature, usually pertaining to the lack of interest directed by Powderkeg to various female parties. In this case, we received word from Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on shriekal threat analysis, that he had deciphered a specific threat involving potential life-threatening harm directed towards our hero."

Hackosaur poured over 6.4 million hours of super-sonar terrorist chatter, delivered shriekily in octaves 10 billion times higher than can be heard by the human ear. The results were then delivered to the FBI this week in hopes that they could thwart a deadly attack on Powderkeg.

"This shrieking emanated from a known terrorist cell at Bayshore Lanes; a nefarious group dedicated to the destruction of all that is good in the world, specifically in the nether regions. Messages were sent in high pitches at specific points in time, typically after a strike, a spare, a split, a smoke break, or at any point when the group determined that not enough attention was being directed towards them. We wrote most of it off as chatter, but now that Back Door Santa has made their usual February move to the top of the standings, this group decided to attack their most consistent bowler," said FBI Director of X Chromo-threatality Guy Incognito.

Back Door Santa team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was briefed early Wednesday and warned that he had to use all of his guile to prevent Powderkeg - BDS' most consistent bowler - to refrain from bowling a 209. A game of this consistent magnitude could potentially wipe Powderkeg off the map if the terrorist cell follows through with its threat.

"There's not much we can do," said Incognito. "You know cuz like, we really don't want to get to close and infiltrate this terrorist cell. Frankly, we'd prefer to not even think about this."

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish won his appeal with the PBA this week after a urine sample was deemed "tampered" by an independent arbitrator. After last week's match, when the inconsistent Dynamite rowed the boat for the second time in three years, he was immediately whisked to the bathroom to provide a urine sample to test for performance-enhancing drugs. Even his own teammates were incredulous after the feat, with captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon missing the entire boat due to going to the bathroom.

"I knew with Dynamite up there that there wasn't a chance, at that specific moment, that I was going to have to buy beer. He's not very consistent, so you can imagine my surprise when I come out and, in front of no witnesses, Dynamite announces that he threw four strikes in a row. I support my team but at some point you have to draw the line and get to the bottom of this El Presidente-esque cheating."

And finally this week, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris will be hosting his annual Welcome to March gala, at 7pm this Thursday on his 200-foot luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat".

"Typically, we hold the gala at 11pm, to allow for bowling to be finished," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "But since we're playing Fast Jerry Kaufmann this week, we should be done by 6:45, giving me more than enough time to hop on Johnnie Skymaster, check my metrics on the sun, and be on Row The Boat by 7pm."