Kobayashi Retires

Santa Monica, CA -

World champion professional eater Kobayashi Takeru announced this week that he was retiring from the sport after admitting he would be no match for 2012 Rookie of the Year Ashley VanNoy-Lyons.

"I have brought much shame to my country," said Kobayashi through his translator. "I have won awards for many moons, but out of respect for my family I must retire lest I make a mockery of the entire country of Japan."

Kobayashi was set to compete in next week's World Burrito Challenge, but withdrew when footage surfaced of Ashley VanNoy-Lyons annihilating burritos after a date with her husband, handsome swashbuckler and Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"If a woman shows such an alarming lack of awareness and date etiquette in front of someone she should probably be trying to impress a little bit, then I know I would not be able to challenge her during a sanctioned event," Kobayashi continued. "At first I thought it was footage of a jaguar in the wild feasting on a gazelle - there was blood and meat everywhere. Once I realized it was a 110 pound woman with little regard for the safety of those around her, my choice was simple."

In other BDS news, the aforementionedly handsome Powderkeg was whisked away to the medical wing of team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris' 200-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil Soco", as doctors attempted to diagnose the cause of Powderkeg's sudden loss of body weight.

"What we have here, we surmise, is a case of severe malnutrition. The handsome subject seems to have not finished a meal in weeks, leaving his body weak, frail, yet also powerful and full of guile. He is showing strong signs of being hungry, which puzzles us. It's almost as if he's been attempting to eat meals, but there are environmental factors and variables that do not allow him to eat said meal," said a doctor on staff to the Associated Press.

"Can you give us an example of what these variables might be," asked reporters.

"Well OK so like, pretend you have been stuck in a vicious cycle of ordering food because you're so very hungry, but then like every time, you turn your back for a second and much of the food you ordered is gone or has been eaten," the doctor continued. "Like there's two people right, so you order enough food to satisfy both appetites. Scientifically speaking, let's just say that it's a reasonable amount of food for two people. Powderkeg is nothing if not handsomely logical, so he sits down with the food he ordered, but then it turns out that some of his food is missing. Imagine being in a weak state due to lack of nutrition, yet still mustering any energy you have to search your home for a family of cougars or raccoons, because that would be the only plausible explanation for the missing food. There must be a family of raccoons in here who ate my other burrito, I mean that's what you'd be thinking. But there are no signs of a raccoon den, and you think you're going crazy, but your wife is all like Hey they have to be here somewhere, I mean I didn't eat your other burrito, we haven't known each other that long and stuff. I mean can you imagine if that story got out? Like people found out about me eating your whole meal right in front of you? Let's keep looking for these raccoons."