Lyons' Supermodel Wife Apologizes

Santa Monica, CA -

Kate Upton-Lyons, supermodel wife of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, apologized today for comments she made after last week's devastating first-game loss by BDS in league play.

According to ESPN, BDS needed only three pins from team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon in the last frame. Instead, Shot Boy threw the ball directly into the gutter.

The rare miss from the captain enraged Mrs. Upton-Lyons, who was caught on camera after the match, issuing some harsh words to a friend.

"My husband cannot f------ throw the ball and throw the captain's ball at the same time. I can't believe he threw it in the gutter so many times," she allegedly said. The comments created such a firestorm that the team immediately retreated to team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris' 300-foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row the Boat", to determine a public relations strategy.

Surprisingly, the first TNT league member to come to Shot Boy's defense was none other than the nefarious ringleader of treachery they call El Presidente.

"At times, non-Cuban bowlers are so focused on their CR (closing ratio) that the score of the game becomes an afterthought. I would like to point out that I had my crack investigator Vanilli examine not only the rich mahogany but also the intangibles of the lane, and it was determined that there was no evidence of foul play. Pablo's hand reaching from behind the pins did not cause enough of a breeze to elicit the movement of the ball into the gutter," said El Presidente in a prepared statement.

On Wednesday, Mrs Upton-Lyons held a press conference to apologize for her remarks.

"I would like to apologize to Oh Captain my captain, to Back Door Santa, and the entirety of TNT for my comments," said the constantly satisfied Mrs Upton-Lyons. "Sometimes I forget that there are two captains, and they both deserve my respect. Shot Boy is the captain of Back Door Santa, and my husband, who is the captain of the bedroom. I should never call out Shot Boy for a rare miss anymore than I should call out Powderkeg for skipping my Thursday night ravishing because he loves to bowl."

In other BDS news, the Minnesota Supreme Court declared, after much deliberation, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris to be the winner of this week's GOP caucus.

"Once the results came in and the voters selected Rick Santorum, we held an emergency deliberation to find another winner, because that's just fucking retarded," said Chief Justice Lorie Skjerven Gildea. "We looked around the room, and it was a pretty easy decision to appoint Hacksaw as the winner, seeing as how he pays all of our salaries."

In coincidental news, this week Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, announced the purchase of the Minnesota State Supreme Court, finally giving himself a forum through which he could expedite his various real estate filings as well as settle his numerous court cases in a friendly environment.

"The state of Minnesota has fallen on hard economic times, with the government struggling to finance even the most basic of public works. The only constant in the financial sector these days is the economy of Hacksaw," wrote Hacksaw on his website (www.hacksaw.gov). "I called up our head coach Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on judicial expenditures, and he sniffed around to determine an asking price. We were surprised to learn that we were the only bidder."