Bad News

1/6/2011

Gents,

It's come to my attention that we are going to directly impact a lot of people in a negative way over the
course of the next three months. As we are tearing through the competition with our convoy of beer
frames, let's not forget that the teams we are destroying are comprised of people with feelings, just like
you or me. The only difference is that we crush hopes and dreams on a weekly basis, whereas they have
their hopes and dreams crushed.

Every team starts a fresh season playing for a championship; the reality is that most of these teams
don't stand a chance. There's been a lot of talk about parity in the league, but that may be misleading.
We had a good draft this off-season while unloading some bloated contracts. We were able to re-sign
our franchise QB (future Hall of Famer John "Hacksaw" Serris) who re-structured his contract so we
could stay under the cap while retaining the team's best playmakers/runway models, Dynamite Chris
Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.

We are going to have to step it up tonight while our #1 draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons sits out his
one-game suspension, but starting next week we'll be leaving nothing but a path of destruction and
despair in our wake.

Just remember - when we hoist up the championship trophy in April, we're not that much different than
the teams we beat along the way, other than being way fucking better at bowling.


Re: Bad News

I have appealed my suspension to no avail. Also, I have submitted my name for the Michigan job. I
stand a good chance as I know of many Michigan men.

Good luck tonight and remember the most important thing, Play Handsome.