Musings On Being Successful

A lot of people ask me - "Dynamite, what does it take to be a champion?"

This is a loaded question, but I guess the simple answer is "Be handsome." I'm sure there are other means through which you can achieve success, but frankly I don't know any other way and I don't care to know any other way.

When you are a champion, you're constantly being stopped by envious people who want to shake your hand and bask in your glory. If you're good looking, then you're used to this because it's happened all of your life. My breathtaking visage has been noticed by others as far back as I can remember; starting with my mom telling me that when girls make fun of you constantly and throw shit at you it's because they think you're cute ... well then a bunch of years passed, but occasionally my girlfriend mentions it if I buy her something. These days, as a champion, I know how to handle the pitfalls that come with it.

I first joined Back Door Santa in the spring of 2010; they were previously a middle-of-the-road squad, but had decided that they wanted to be champions. Team Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon had always noticed me at parties, specifically how good looking I tended to be. He casually mentioned that he had a bowling team, and this team was currently looking to become unstoppable. I had some free time so I said, "Yeah ok, I'll join your team so we can win the league championship."

The first few weeks entailed mainly learning the nuances of the lanes and catching girls who were fainting, but by mid-season we unleashed a convoy of rugged excellence. We bulldozed our way to the league championship in August to the surprise of no one.

When the fall league started in September and it was time to defend the championship, all of the sudden we had targets on our backs. Every other team in the league was jealous (it's scientific evidence, you can look it up). Did we have what it took to defend the title? Were we willing to risk our good looks night in and night out, scrapping for every last pin?

The short answer, as well as the long answer, was "no, not even close." It was a painful season, and we were forced to re-assess our strategy; what were we missing?

I met with Shot Boy and Hacksaw and we decided that this team needed to get more handsome - if that was even possible. So we added Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, and it feels as though this season we're back on track. Not ever week has been a breeze; in fact, last week we played this team of cheaters and the results were very suspect and under investigation. During trying times I think about what American heroes like Dr. Peter Burns (played by TV's Jack Wagner) would do in a situation like this. Are we just going to sit here strapped to an operating table, waiting for Kimberly to give us a lobotomy to cure our alleged rage epilepsy? Or, are we instead going to tighten our suspenders and judge a beauty contest with Dr. Michael Mancini, giving the award to a young Denise Richards? I think it's quite obvious where Back Door Santa is headed this season.