Hacksaw Purchases The Sun

Santa Monica, CA -

Unsatisfied with the amount of sunlight his barley crops at Haüksaüw had been receiving in preparation for the fall harvest, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had finalized a deal to purchase the sun.

"I need to grow roughly 17 metric tons of barley a day," said Hacksaw at the news conference. "I'm getting at most 12 hours of sunlight a day at Haüksaüw, and that's just unsatisfactory. Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to own the sun. Thus, I commissioned Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on celestial real estate, and had him meet with our board of directors to put together a plan. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidders."

The deal was initially held up by the United States Justice Department, who began an investigation into whether or not the deal would create a monopoly, in that after the purchase Hacksaw would, along with Saturn and Mars, own 30% of the solar system. During the hearings, Hacksaw reminded investigators that the deal was merely a means through which Hacksaw could produce the world's finest beverage, Hacksaw's Annual Yield: Oktoberfest aka HAYO. During the recent Kennedy Barley Honors, HAYO was awarded the nation's top prize based solely on hearsay, as there has yet been a drop of HAYO produced.

In order to harness the power of sun more efficiently, Hacksaw built a $9 trillion monitoring station in its core. The monitoring station, named the Solar Auditing Workstation (or SAW), is equipped with a sunscreen factory, a curling rink, an 18-hole executive golf course, a Soconium synthesis lab, a Westminster dog kennel, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. SAW will calculate the sun's output every 14 femtoseconds to make sure that enough power is emitted to provide adequate photosynthesis for the barley at Haüksaüw. If the sun's power is deemed inadequate, it will be boosted by an auxiliary Soconium-powered generator designed by Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on solar boost modifications. The generator is capable of producing 9,000,000 petawatts of energy per second.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew to the sun at 9am Thursday morning aboard Johnnie Skymaster, which was recently outfitted with a compression chamber to make space travel more comfortable to its passengers. Once he was back on earth at 9:15am, he deemed the purchase a success and began barley operations at Haüksaüw.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was fitted by Caterpillar construction company with a special edition Back Door hard hat this morning in preparation for his visit to The Construction Zone tonight. Caterpillar announced that it would be producing 1500 replicas of Shot Boy's hard hat and selling them on eBay, with proceeds going towards The Shot Boy Foundation, a non-profit organization that helps people find a sense of humor. The bidding for the helmets started at $190,000 each.

El Presidente Honors BDS

Santa Monica, CA -

Beloved TNT despot El Presidente awarded the El Presidente Medal of Excellence to Back Door Santa this week, during the Annual El Presidente Honors (hosted by Billy Crystal), to commemorate their record-setting matchup against El Presidente's team last week.

According to the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, Back Door Santa recorded the fewest number of losses ever in a head-to-head matchup against El Presidente, with four. The Back Door Santa blog was given permission to run an excerpt from the sports section of Corruption Enthusiast describing the event:

"His heart heavy with the burdens of being the fairest leader in the land, the honorable El Presidente registered nary a 400 game, but still took the time to acknowledge the love and adoration of the millions of supporters who showed up at Bayshore Lanes for a mere glimpse of their handsome leader and his tireless efforts against corruption and match-fixing. The match took over seven hours as the other players patiently waited for El Presidente to I don't know, maybe show up and bowl when it's his turn instead of parading around the lanes in his Affliction t-shirt and having no regard for the schedules of the common man. When asked to comment, local merchant and Bayshore Waiter/Giggolo Josh, his eyes rolling with honor of El Presidente, could only muster the most respectful whimper: What the fuck are you talking about, a million people, who the fuck writes this shit."

In other news, noted bowling scientist Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5! wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times this week, simply titled "Are you fucking kidding me":

"You mean to tell me that I hand calculated over 7 billion variables for each of you fucks and you have lost 7 of 8 games? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean what the fuck are you even doing out there? Oh Captain My Captain's handicap is going to go up 70 pins. Seventy fucking pins! You all go out there with your hayos and your nuances and then you fucking pull down your pants and shit on your own fucking bowling balls. Now granted, you're handsome, and might I say quite handsomely-pantsed - and let's not forget that it's virtually impossible to bowl when you have women getting pissed that you didn't buy them a shot even though they've never bought you a shot in three years and - hold on, just checking some data - yup, you've never dated. But the point is this: you've learned the true meaning of Christmas."

In BDS news, our handsome heroes spent the week aboard Yo Gabba Gabba with noted anti-suck spokesdinosaur Hackosaur in an effort to determine the precise reason why BDS has lost two weeks in a row. Through a myriad of scientific methods, the exact reason was identified, but he then gave a bunch of excuses such as having a daughter and also not having a job and what the fuck do you want jesus christ.

In unrelated news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish gave a statement to the Associated Press defending himself against anonymous allegations that he's the reason why BDS has lost two weeks in a row.

"I know they're tired of my renegade ways. I'm a loose canon! I don't have any evidence that my team is preparing to replace me with a 3 month old girl. But I do have a lot of hearsay and conjecture, and those are KINDS of evidence?" said Dynamite. "The point is this: the other members of Back Door Santa have had it out for me ever since I accidentally ran over Hacksaw's cherished foot with my car. Replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and "foot" with "$7 million albino gazelle."

Moving along, planning was underway this week to begin brewing the greatest beverage known to man: Hacksaw's Annual Yield: Oktoberfest - aka HAYO. Rumor has it that team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has corralled the world's foremost barley investors, including Sammy Adams IX, to fund the brew that will highlight this year's Hacktoberfest. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, plans to grow the special hops and barley necessary for HAYO on Saturn, which he fucking owns by the way, what do you own. So anyway I told Amy that Hacksaw is making HAYO and she's like "are you fucking kidding me, when is it going to be ready" and I'm like damn woman, these things take time but the point is, there's a hidden message here: Hacksaw, get crackin.

BDS Blog Wins Pulitzer For Journalistic Seriousness

Santa Monica, CA - The Pulitzer Board announced this week that Dynamite Chris Parish, the chief correspondent for the Backdoor Santa Blog, has won the 2011 Pulitzer Prize for those journalists who have shown outstanding achievement in the field of seriousness through their reporting.

"It is with great accolade that we award this serious award, the 2011 Pulitzer Prize for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Seriousness to Dynamite Chris Parish, editor-in-chief of the Backdoor Santa blog. Throughout the life of his reporting, Mr. Dynamite has seriously shown a tendency to focus on seriousness and eschew the humorous tendencies of typical bowling-type blogs. It's refreshing for us here at the Pulitzer Board to fire up our computers and indulge ourselves in the type of factually-based serious reporting that we've come to expect from the BDS blog. We appreciate that his commentary never lowers itself to make jokes regarding historical events, such as the Watergate scandal, which was barely the most well-known political scandal in American history."

"I want to thank the Pulitzer Board for finally recognizing my achievement in the field of seriousness," said Dynamite. "One might argue that it's irresponsible journalism to expect the average American to know trivial facts about trivial American historical events, such as the events that led to the only Presidential resignation in American history. I think it was Eisenhower or something. I can't be sure, because I've never read any newspaper ever or even turned on the television set, where potentially 40% of television shows in the last thirty years have made a reference to key pieces of information about that scandal. Not on my watch, and not in my blog."

It was quite an awardly week for Dynamite, who was also honored by the Society of Mothers Ignoring Laughter and Enjoyment (SMILE) for writing the only publication in the United States that must be taken 100% seriously. SMILE highlighted several blog posts which proved that everything in his blog should be taken seriously, including:

The one where his teammate Hacksaw synthesized a fucking dinosaur

The one where said dinosaur flew an airplane from Los Angeles to Cuba in four seconds to drop a case of Southern Comfort into the wilderness of Cuba, and this case of liquor somehow helped Shot Boy escape the wrath of El Presidente, a 24 year old Santa Monica resident who is also the head of Cuba

The one where Hacksaw spent billions of dollars to build an airplane named Yo Hacka Hacka that would serve as a bowling training facility for a zero year old girl. Also, her trainer is a dinosaur who can fly an airplane, and she bowled a 299 game.

The one where Hacksaw purchased Saturn, a planet 764 times the size of earth, and put it on display at one of his properties.

The one where Back Door Santa flew to the White House and watched one of their matches with President Obama

The one where Powderkeg and Brandon "Hally" Irons started a clothing company selling $80,000 pants

In other BDS news, I mean hell that's a pretty big week for BDS.

BDS To Light Rockefeller Christmas Tree

Santa Monica, CA - NBC/Universal today announced that they had signed 2011 TNT Fall League Champions Back Door Santa as the officiants for their annual Christmas tree lighting at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City.

"We are honored to have the handsome lads in BDS join us during this wonderful ceremony, as I know their schedule will be quite busy after winning their third championship," said NBC news anchor Brian Williams. "I also appreciate BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris for extending the olive branch to me - I can finally leave the house without fear."

According to sources, Hacksaw made it his top priority during the offseason to settle his feud with Brian Williams. He dispatched his most trusted advisor Hackosaur - the world's foremost expert on hostile TV personality negotiations - to New York City via Johnnie Skymaster in order to pick up Williams and take him to a meeting with Hacksaw aboard Hack-a-Whirl. While the two former combatants discussed a truce, the 300-foot helicopter hovered above Los Angeles and hosted the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards. According to reports, the award ceremony was abruptly ended after five minutes when Hacksaw realized that they're fucking retarded and promptly ordered everyone associated with the awards off Hack-A-Whirl mid-air.

Once the truce was signed, Hacksaw showed his gratitude by giving Williams a tour of his 75,000-acre brewery, Haüksaüw. Williams was treated to a pint from the latest batch of Back Door Ale, which Williams reportedly said "made every other beverage ever taste like the rotten piss of a thousand dead rhinos."

In preparation for next month's Hacktoberfest, Hacksaw revealed the latest addition to Haüksaüw, a specialty cheese factory. The 20,000,000 square foot building, the opportunely-named Hackamook, has 7 trillion dairy cows, three cheese culture tanks, a thirty-story arcade room, an IMAX theater, a space shuttle landing pad, a dairy molecular research laboratory, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Hackamook is capable of producing 17 metric tons of fine cheese per hour, including well-regarded varieties like extra sharp cheddar, stilton, gouda, and a new flavor invented by Hackosaur, colby hack.

The Associated Press reports that Hacksaw hired Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on beer/dairy flavor cross-pollinated maximization, to craft a suitable cheese to be pared with this fall's Back Door Ale. When he found that current species of dairy cows were unable to produce the exact milk necessary to fully accent the flavor of BDS ale, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on bovine genetic reproduction, synthesized a hybrid cow embryo using only his vast knowledge of zygote fertility and also guile.

Colby hack is available at Johnnie Foodmaster stores across the United States for $90,000/ounce, and potential customers must first send their headshots to Hacksaw in order to be approved for purchase, so that no uggos are eating the cheese.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon joined the effervescent Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish aboard the team's aerial training facility, Yo Hacka Hacka, to practice lifting their 2001 TNT Fall Season championship trophies.

"We haven't lifted a trophy since April, since we had the four month summer practice league, and I wanted to make sure we start building up our endurance to carry the hardware," said Shot Boy. "I don't want us trying to lift trophies in December and acting as if we weren't prepared to win the championship and lift the trophies. It's part of my job to keep the team prepared."

Powderkeg, Meister Form ZACHFOCS

Santa Monica, CA -

In a last ditch effort to ensure some sort of fairness to TNT before the start of the fall season, Back Door Santa's Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and The Bowling Wallendas' First Captain Kevin Meister announced the formation of an investigative supergroup, named ZACHFOCS.

"Now I'm not a big city lawyer," said Meister. "But it seeeeemmmsss to meeee ... that when a guy has a deadly injury but shows up for bowling to watch a thief bowl a 317 game with handicap as his substitute, corruption has gone too far."

ZACHFOCS, or Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness, aims to bring to light the blatant corruption and mismanagement that has plagued the TNT Summer practice season in order to prevent its ugly recurrence during the lovely fall season, dubbed "Season of True Champions" by ESPN.

ZACHFOCS was formed after Powderkeg and Meister received information from an anonymous tipster associated with the current "first place" team, Evil Soup. The informant, dubbed "Deeper Throat" by those in the know, indicated that her team is a bunch of cheating liars, just as sure as her name is L*sa M*rgan.

The case against Evil Soup is damning, according to reports. Accusations include but are not limited to:

- The team was formed the first week of the summer practice season, without filling out the various W2 forms and rigorous background checks required of all TNT applicants
- Their best bowler, Bob The Snake, has a long history of tanking various matches to keep his handicap low, so he can get 15 pins a game even though he's never bowled under 240
- Their fourth bowler, TGI Davedays, only shows up 40% of the time so that the team can call up a ringer to sub for him.
- They once used a sub named Harold "The Thief" McStealerson, a known felon who's wanted in 50 states for being a dirtbag.
- Never in the history of TNT bowling, dating back to April 2011, have the two teams who met in the previous season's championship game failed to make it to the following championship game without some level of El Presidente-esque interference.
- Vegas guaranteed victories for BDS and the Wallendas at the end of July; matches for both teams were "postponed" due to suspicious closing of lanes at Bayshore, an establishment with a long history of timely upkeep and reliability.

"Look, the bottom line is this," said Meister. "The Santas and Wallendas are champions. We love to bowl and we play with heart. We recognize that there are two teams out there. We can't sit here and let Evil Soup make a mockery of this institution. ZACHFOCS is not going to sit here and get a bunch of 9's and just assume everything's on the up and up."

In other league news, it's position week I think this week, where the teams in TNT battle for their positions to begin the fall season in September. All eyes and cameras will be on lane number six-ish, where Back Door Santa looks to put the finishing touches on its new lineup. Heralded as the most scientific bowling lineup in the history of science, it was first calculated by Dr. Hurricane: Class 5 using his c:ALIBRATE method, and tested for the first time last week.

"We won three out of four games," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We could have swept but we realized that we wanted to work out a few kinks and purposely lose a game in order to test the science. We've got one more chance to work on it during position week, wherein each team bowls to determine its team number for the fall season. There's been a lot of media coverage for our game this Thursday, and rightfully so."

In other BDS news, in preparation for the upcoming Hacktoberfest, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris completed his latest purchase, Germany.

"I made the decision that I wanted to kick it old-school with this year's Hacktoberfest, so why not kick it the oldest school and host it in Europe. I talked to my agent Hackosaur, who is not only #1 on the west side, he's also the world's foremost expert on European land investment. He told me that Germany was currently available, so I went for it," explained Hacksaw. "To my surprise, we were the highest bidder."

Hacksaw immediately won over the native Krauts by renaming Germany to Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, filed a petition with the European Union to drop the euro as HBF's form of currency, and the nation will immediately begin using its new currency, the khahnvoy, to buy and sell goods. Because HBF currently boasts an AAA rating from Standard and Poors, the value of one khahnvoy is equivalent to 14 euros and $19 American.

According to the Associated Press, the natives of Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse have taken a shine to their newfound respect on the global marketplace, and have planned a national holiday this Friday, August 19th in order to parade in the streets and spend their hard-earned khahnvoys in celebration. The day, dubbed "National Hacksaw Appreciation Month", will be featured on a commemorative silver khahnvoy; a handsome profile of Hacksaw on the front, and a picture of Hackosaur piloting Johnnie Skymaster on the back.

And finally this week, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish returned from his sabbatical in Minnesota with his favorite accomplice Dynagirl. According to published reports, tensions on the flight home mounted when a bunch of uggos tried to look at Dynagirl and it's like, quick looking at my daughter fatties.

Dr. Hurricane: Class 5 Calibrates BDS

Santa Monica, CA -

The handsome champions of Back Door Santa announced today that they were altering their lineup order - something that hasn't been attempted in bowling circles for 664 years.

Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on medieval bowling history, noted that the last time a bowling lineup had been changed was during the reign of Edward III of England, in 1347. Edward III was looking for a way to shake up the Royal Bowling Team of the High Court, known then as the Heroic Archers of Ye Oval Efforts (HAYOE). Unfortunately for Edward, the Black Death began a year later in 1348, wiping out 60% of Europe's population, and many scholars at the time attributed the plague to Edward's cavalier attitude towards bowling lineup regimen.

Preferring to make history rather than learn from it, BDS convened at team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish's modest 40,000 square foot estate in Hermosa Beach on Sunday to vote on the lineup measure. After a unanimous and handsome decision, they turned to the scientific community to determine the optimal bowling lineup that would not only prove successful, but be most impenetrable to the nefarious and unannounced rule changes that have dominated TNT's summer season.

BDS put a call into Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, skipper of the Los Angeles Beer Frames and an analyst at the prestigious Hackosaur University, a bowling research institute funded by the good people at Hacksaw Tax Shelter Emporium. Dr. Hurricane is known throughout the scientific community as the world's second foremost expert on bowling lineup efficiency, behind only Hackosaur.

"It was a big challenge because they needed an answer quickly," said Dr. Hurricane. "The lads wanted to test out the new lineup during the end of the TNT Summer Optional Practice League - This One Doesn't Count So Show Up If You Feel Like It Or Cancel Random Weeks, in preparation for when official league play starts up in September, when the matches begin to count again for the first time since April. Luckily, I'd been putting the finishing touches on my new algorithm and was anxious to test it out."

The new Back Door Santa lineup was finalized using Mocha Hurricane's patented formula, the coefficient: Apex Lane Integration for Bowling Readiness And Transcendent Efficiency - or c:ALIBRATE. The handsome formula scientifically emphasizes skill at the head of the order, weak linkitude right at the end, and balanced championshipness throughout.

"What I noticed during my research was that over time, the ability of a bowling lineup to succeed against totalitarian and arbitrary rule changes degrades. What worked a year ago, or even three months ago, in the face of El Presidente's corruptionality might not work anymore. One option is to add someone to your team who's handsomely-pantsed, but since BDS wants to keep its core championshipness together, we can use c:ALIBRATE to build a lineup that can minimize the degredation trajectification," added Dr. Hurricane.

c:ALIBRATE measures over 7 billion characteristics of a bowler, including but not limited to handsomeness, nuance readability, championshipality, intangibles, and guile. Each bowler is then given an overall score between 0 and 6,000,000,001, and those scores determine his place in the bowling lineup.

According to the Associated Press, Dr. Hurricane spent several minutes on Monday measuring each of the 7 billion of BDS' characteristics by hand, revealing the following c:ALIBRATE scores:

Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
John "Hacksaw" Serris: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Dynamite Chris Parish: 17

Dr. Hurricane went on to explain the simplistic tie-breaking procedures of c:ALIBRATE, which also shows why this formula will be universally adopted due to its ease of use.

"In the event of a tie, in order to prevent a recurrence of Black Death, team members are ordered by the number of unique letters in their last name. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The second tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players based on the number of letters in their first name, wherein any number of letters less than 5 is counted as a 5. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The third tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players by number of championships on a binary scale. Zero championships is given a value of 0, and any number > 0 is given a value of 1. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The fourth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you rank players based on the telephone country code of the nation in which their most recent championship took place; since each member won their most recent championship in the United States and thus all have a value here of 001, as you can see we still have a tie.

"The fifth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you arrange the players in reverse alphabetical order by the third letter of their first name," said Dr. Hurricane. "Thusly, you can see that we now have a new bowling order as thusly:

1. Shot Boy
2. Hacksaw
3. Powderkeg
4. Dynamite

Dr. Hurricane then used c:ALIBRATE to rank most desired subs for BDS, in the unlikely event that on a given week they forget that they love to bowl:

1. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
2. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
3. Brandon "Hally" Irons
4. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
5. Fast Jerry Kaufmann
87. Scotty Shortpants
7quadrillion: Harold "The Thief" McStealerson

Shot Boy, Meister Testify

Washington D.C. -

Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister were in Washington this week to testify before the Senate Corruption Committee with regard to what in the fuck is going on with the TNT league this year.

Meister opened the session with one of the most powerful and romantically moving statements in Senate history, pleading with lawmakers to suspend debt ceiling discussions until a thorough investigation of TNT's practices could be completed.

"Pillars to the left of me ... post bowwwwwwlllinggg to the right (pronounced raaht). Am I not a man? Am I not a bowler? Do the Wallendas and BDS not bleed if you cut them? Because gentlemen, El Presidente has cut us deep. Cut us to the very soul. Anthony Cortese is full of evil soup, the kind of corrupt meal that while delicious ... (ten minute pause) ... it fills you with hate. Now, I'm a simple man, but it seeeeeemmmmmsss to meeee .... that two of the best teams in the league should get a fair chance during a league season. And that's just not the case here gentlemen," said Meister.

According to Shot Boy's testimony, the league has been completely fucked this season. One egregious violation occurred when "first place" Evil Soup enjoyed the subbing services of one Harold "The Thief" McNeverleaves bowling a 317 game with handicap, which is technically only possible in Cuba. I mean what is the fuck. Not to mention some dude bowling a 700 series against BDS and then mysteriously being unable to bowl the following week even though he showed up, paving the way for that fucking Harold dude to show up and eyeball the foam hacksaw for four hours like a god damn psycho. I know he's going to try and steal that shit. And what a fucking clusterfuck with these lanes being fucked up so it's thrown to a vote to postpone a week, yet somehow it's not mentioned that if we postpone a week then we're actually skipping it.

"It's no way to run a league," said Shot Boy. "Congressmen, I implore you to stop cheating on your wives while lecturing me on values long enough to take a look at this. The fate of our nation is at stake, probably. And just let me say, no Senate investigation is complete without taking a break and enjoying a nice glass of Southern Comfort, the official spirit of Shot Boy. Its smooth smooth flavor and satisfying finish is just what the doctor ordered. Welcome to flavor country."

Cuba's official state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, was also in Washington to report on the story, and released an official statement.

"United States residents Clint Tabon and Kevin Meister testified before the devil Senate today and asked them to allocate funds to honor El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. Tabon and Meister expressed their anger that their nazi-commie government didn't have the strength to honor the greatest man alive, the honorable anti-corruption pioneer we are honored to call El Presidente. He runs the fairest bowling league in the land, according to Tabon and Meister, and they are quite pleased with the open communication and non-corruption the league is experiencing this season. All hail 2011 Summer League champs Evil Soup, said Tabon and Meister. This team is in no way some sort of rigged puppet regime team placed in the league solely to dethrone the cheating Back Door Santa, as a matter of fact Evil Soup has been in the league for years, according to official Cuban documents."

In other BDS news, invites were mailed out this week for the first annual Hacktoberfest, to be held in Hacktober at Hacksaw's hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacktoberfest is the annual celebration of the fall beer calibration, when the first 8 billion barrels of Back Door Ale are distributed to the public. It's rumored that Hacksaw will use the event to unveil his latest purchase, Saturn.

"I can't comment directly as the contracts have not been signed," said Hacksaw. "But I'm known around these parts as a bit of a 'ringer' and I thought, What better way to celebrate calibration than by purchasing the biggest rings I could find. I called up my real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on planetary investment, and we were surprised to see that we were the only bidder for Saturn."

In troubling BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons entered a rehabilitation center after enduring a two-week bender and hitting rock top. According to witnesses, the trouble started when Powderkeg's parter-in-crime, noted womanizer Cobra "Kai" Tabon, flew in from Florida at the beginning of July and goaded Powderkeg into going out to get some bitches. The boiling point was reached two weeks ago during BDS's match against this other team, and Powderkeg and Cobra showed up drunk as fuck on Gutter Juice, a potent mixture of PowderBull, absinthe, and guile. Witnesses said that it seemed as though Powderkeg temporarily forgot how much he loved to bowl and spent the majority of the time swinging Cobra Kai around the bowling alley while throngs of women fainted.

"I love three things: bowling, being a champion, and Gutter Juice. Unfortunately for me, those things are not always compatible. I'd like to stress that I apologize for letting my teammates down, It's not all Cobra's fault. All of these years I've watched him turn into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim of Cobra Kai Tabon. I will not stand here and let the media disparage the good folks at Gutter Juice. They make a good product, a product that was just invented by me. I would like to take this time to announce that Cobra Kai Tabon and I have reached a deal with Hacksaw Inc to ferment and bottle a new product called Gutter Juice. It's a 750-proof energy beverage powered by the rings of Saturn."

In preparation for the production of Gutter Juice, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, added a new wing to his barley and hops plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. The wing is a combination potato farm and planetary particle harvester. I don't really know where I'm going with this exactly but the point is that Powderkeg invented Gutter Juice and it's going to be fermented and bottled at Haücksaüw. This blog entry really escalated quickly.

And finally this week, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish underwent surgery in Birmingham, AL this week to repair his torn labia. The surgery was performed by famed physician Dr. James Andrews, who was guided during the process by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on labia repair. According to sources, Dynamite had been hoping that the labia would heal on its own with intense physical therapy, but in the end he opted for surgery in hopes that he could begin not killing his team just by showing up. Dr. Hackosaur's surgery includes creating a small incision near the labia, and then bitch slapping the patient until he mans the fuck up and stops being a bitch.