BDS Offered Second Place

Santa Monica, CA -

BDS discuss what to do with their second place earnings

According to reports, TNT rapscallions Back Door Santa were offered a deal this morning to accept second place and avoid the embarrassment of a public beat down at the hands of Crank Funk in tonight's championship game.

"I think they should take the deal," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "No way they sweep Crank Funk tonight. The Funk have won 16 games in a row against top competition. I can't stress enough how there is absolutely no chance that Back Door Santa wins four games tonight."

The highly anticipated championship match pits up-and-comers Crank Funk against two-time champions Back Door Santa - or as they're widely known, "those douchebags with the 2x4." Vegas has taken odds off the table as this is predicted to be the most lopsided final in TNT history, with Crank Funk cruising to another victory. 

Crank Funk has dominated this season by playing the game the right way, playing station-to-station ball, and acting like they've been there before. BDS, on the other hand, has shown multiple times that they can't step it up when they absolutely need it, concluding with last week when they needed a 958 in the final game and only got 957.

The Twittersphere was robust this morning with celebrities tweeting their thoughts about tonight's pending championship match.

"Hey @backdoorsanta just give it up - there's no way you make any shots tonight."
- @carlychaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family

"Hey @pablolyons you ready for tonight? I'm talking specifically about fixing the match against BDS"
- @elpresidente, noted despot and leader of Cuba

"I do not exist"
- @hacksputin, mysterious non-existing person.

To back up his claims, ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton broke down tonight's matchup in hopes that BDS would come to their senses and forfeit.

Recent Performance:

Back Door Santa has not won a championship since April 2011, meanwhile Crank Funk nearly won earlier this year, and has been in first place virtually all of the summer season. Furthermore, they play the game the right way.

Edge: Crank Funk

Consistency:

BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is in danger of giving up his Most Consistent award for the first time in 7 seasons after an up-and-down summer season that was mostly down. The former first-round pick, noted for not loving bowling, has no chance of breaking out of his slump tonight as he's never shown a propensity to perform when it matters most - as long as you don't ask any ladies or look at any past performances when it mattered.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have been consistent all season against top competition.

Edge: Crank Funk

Weak Link: 

BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is on the verge of breaking the TNT record for weak linkiness this season. It's really unbelievable at this point how he's still on the team, and it must be noted that TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese recently suggested that teams only have 3 members, reported on the urging from BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, has no weak link.

Edge: Crank Funk

Nefarious Associations:

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has discussed on numerous occasions his involvement with a mysterious notary known only as "Hacksputin". Nothing is known about Hacksputin - he does not exist in any tax records despite owning a 300-foot yacht. Since his alleged involvement with Back Door Santa, which began in the summer of 2013, BDS has seen nothing but failure, barely making it to the championship game for the first time in two years. Furthermore, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has involved Hacksputin in two failed investments - a feline veterinary wing called KHAT and an addition to Yo Hacka Hacka called HONDA - which are both barely wildly and historically profitable.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no known associations other than a deep and binding association with the fair and non-nefariousy leader of TNT, El Presidente

Edge: Crank Funk

Farm System: 

The desire for a championship has gutted the BDS farm system, and its only true prospect, Dynagirl, has been unable to reach the 300 mark despite constant training from Hackosaur. She was almost traded for Jeff Bagwell earlier this summer after not eating her yogurt and finishing the day with a 299.53.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no failed prospects.

Edge: Crank Funk

Ability to Enter The Construction Zone:

BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon came within 11 pins last week of entering the construction zone; according to Vegas, he never will, especially tonight. Las Vegas cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no chance Shot Boy enters The Construction Zone on his way to a third TNT title today on August 22, 2013.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, play the game the right way.

Edge: Crank Funk

Prediction - while we strongly urge Back Door Santa to take the plea bargain and secure second place, in the event that they brazenly decide to bowl tonight, we predict a historic beatdown wherein Crank Funk wins by so many pins that they are awarded 5 points and their first championship.

BDS To Bowl For Charity

Santa Monica, CA -

As reports surfaced this week that TNT despot El Presidente was planning on rigging tonight's final regular season matchup against two time champion Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that BDS would be bowling for charity this evening in hopes that the increased spotlight and humanitarianism would persuade El Presidente to engage in fair competition.

BDS take the lanes this evening against their long-time rivals Split It and Quit It, who own a lifetime 22-2 record against BDS. Even with ringleader Easy Dan Miller having mentally checked out of bowling in favor of pre-marital bliss, Vegas has Split It as 1-4,000,000 favorites against BDS tonight.

Hacksaw stepped into action after an article ran in Corruption Enthusiast, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, describing Split It's remarkable 7 point victory on Thursday, three days before the match was even played. The resulting 7 point loss for BDS knocked them out of competition for the top spot this season.

The article included a picture of El Presidente handing an unidentified short Cuban-American 4 trillion Cuban pesos and a note that clearly read "Here is some money which is explicitly for the purpose of knocking down all of Split It's pins on Thursday. Good Luck Pablo - your friend, El Presidente." The caption for the photo simply read "Our beloved presidente greets his fans."

"We can't seem to get a fair shake," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "But does El Presidente have the nefariousness to rig a match when BDS is playing for a noble charity? We're about to find out."

As a result, Hacksaw announced that BDS would be bowling tonight for Humans Against Corruption and chicKanery (HACK) - a for-profit organization that helps fund the bowling training for any American youth, provided they reside in Hermosa Beach, CA and were born on June 24 2011 at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

HACK was started back on August 7th 2013 by noted samaritan Hacksputin, an alleged associate of BDS and world-renowned bowling psychologist. While there has been no legal evidence that Hacksputin even exists, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti quickly approved his application, including all applicable federal and state tax exemptions.

CNN reported that HacksputInc, a solo entity with no legal or financial ties to Hacksaw, would receive an immediate $42 trillion federal tax rebate as a result of its recent filing.

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, announced the completion of the new training wing of his airborne bowling facility, Yo Hacka Hacka. The new space, the famously-named Hacksaw's Orbiting & Nautical Dynagirl Auditorium (HONDA), boasts a jungle gym, a 785 story luxury hotel and spa, Lenin's tomb, Thor, an ancient redwood forest, and an IMAX theater showing all episodes of Curious George, including the famous episode where The Man In The Yellow Hat is surprised when he gives heavy responsibility to a fucking monkey and then something goes awry. Tax records show that HONDA cost $42 trillion dollars even.

"DynaGirl's getting close in her training," said Hacksaw. "She hit a 299.47 last week - it was originally a 300 game, but I penalized her 0.53 pins because she opened 4 yogurts but ate none of them. I felt like an upgrade to her training facility is the final step."

Report: Veterinarians Union of America Protests Hacksaw

Santa Monica, CA

Kittysaw lines up a strike

The Veterinary Union of America (VUOA) launched an official protest this week of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris after Hacksaw used his vast funds to build a $15 billion bowling complex in the lung cancer wing of a local veterinary clinic.

According to the Associated Press, the complex, the veraciously-named Kitty & Hacksaw Athletic Theater (KHAT) was built after a close associate of Hackosaur, Kittysaw, was admitted to the clinic for treatment of lung cancer.

The Santa Monica City Council approved the zoning for KHAT after they were presented with a notarized application from Hacksaw thirty seconds before the deadline. It was notarized by a famed notary public and zoning enthusiast who goes only by the name Hacksputin.

"I have never met Hacksputin, in fact I don't know anyone who has, even though he's in this office seven times a week notarizing various permits for Hacksaw," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti. "That said, his penmanship is remarkable. It's almost as lovely on the eyes as Hacksaw's signature on this signed AMF Membership that Hacksaw framed for me after I won the mayoral election earlier this year. You can see it right behind me - right below the inscription "I own you and this entire fucking city you god damn puppet. Now eat your hasbrowns."

The VUOA members are protesting under the grounds that they are unable to perform medical procedures on any patients of the clinic other than Kittysaw due to the vast expanse of KHAT.

"In order to build this thing, Hacksaw had to knock down 99% of the clinic along with the four adjoining city blocks," said VUOA president Richard C. Normous. "Every single animal in this city is in danger, especially little yippy dogs. All that's left of the clinic is the feline operating table, and we don't even need that anymore because the one in KHAT is way better."

An article in Architectural Digest states that KHAT is 31 stories high and contains 40 billion feet of yard, an IMAX theater, Google headquarters, 3/4ths of Canada, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.

The jewel of KHAT, the article continues, is a state-of-the-art feline lung cancer operating room, complete with a $19 trillion soconium-powered cancer detection mechanism capable of detecting cancerous cells from 74 million light years away.

"Hackosaur called me and was worried," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "The thing they never tell you about cancer treatment is the impact it can have on your bowling game, because treatment takes time away from the lanes. So I did what any normal human being would: I got a permit, razed 4 city blocks and almost an entire animal clinic, and spent trillions of dollars building a complex so that a cat undergoing lung cancer treatment wouldn't miss a step."

BDS Amnesty Powderkeg

Powderkeg's agent DyanGrill leaves the negotiations

Santa Monica, CA -

In a surprising move heading into this season's biggest matchup, TNT leaders Back Door Santa announced this week that they had amnestied team heartthrob and former first round pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

At an 11am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told reporters that it was one of his toughest decisions ever.

"I'm torn up inside, I really am," said Tabon. "Powderkeg has always been the heart and soul of our team. He loves to bowl, but we all know this is a numbers game, and the fact of the matter is that with his salary, our payroll would be too low to institute the luxury tax, which would be devastating for league owner John "Hacksaw" Serris' bottom line."

At an 11:01am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot  Boy" Tabon told reporters that the team had signed former member Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons to a long-term deal, worth roughly 4.5 billion times the value of his old rookie deal.

"I'm thrilled to announce that we have signed our former #1 pick, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, to a long-term deal of $31.5 quadrillion in guaranteed money," said Tabon. "Not only does this help us build for the future, but it also helped us reach the $126 quadrillion salary cap figure demanded by Hacksaw, thus putting us into luxury tax territory."

League rules prohibit league owner and BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris from negotiating any form of contract with league players. Non-suspiciously, Powderkeg's deal was negotiated by his new agent, the never-before-mentioned DynaGrill, who received her league authorization a mere thirty seconds before the amnesty and subsequent signing of Powderkeg took place.

Sources told ESPNBDS' John Clayton that DynaGrill was able to get her authorization in time due to her association with a federal notary public who goes by the name "Hacksputin."

"I've never met Hacksputin before," said Clayton. "But I can confirm that he was officially authorized as a notary public roughly thirty seconds before he notarized the league authorization for the non-suspicious agent for Powderkeg, DynaGrill."

TNT announced that Powderkeg's deal came in just under the wire, but that he was eligible to join his former team in time for Thursday's matchup.

It remains to be seen how Powderkeg will fit in with Back Door Santa and what the mood will be like in the locker room. Historically teams have experienced tension after an acrimonious contract negotiation with a star player.

"Frankly this was a bush league move by BDS," said Clayton. "Here you are the week of your biggest match of the season, and you cut your star player. How will he respond to that? I mean essentially his owner and teammates looked him straight in the eye and said 'Look, you're not getting paid enough, it's hurting the team.' That's a slap in the face to Powderkeg, who's never been about the money. He plays the game the right way. He's got a high motor and a high bowling IQ. He's a gym rat."

Santa Monica, CA - 

The real estate community was stunned this week when BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had come to terms on an agreement to sell his prized lifeboat, the aptly-named Lil' Soco.

Purchased on April 6, 2011. the boat is equipped with 10 bowling lanes built to his specifications, the iconic Lil SoCo also has 3 helicopter landing pads, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a parking garage to house his vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place), and an observatory with a telescope fifty-one times more powerful than the Hubble. Its 6 billion horsepower outboard motor is powered by 200 megatons of plutonium, and there's room onboard for Hacksaw's designer Louis Vitton lifejackets.

Hacksaw had recently added a second, backup motor to Lil' SoCo, a soconium-powered outboard which made the vessel capable of speeds more than 3.4 times the speed of light. 

Per California law, all lifeboats are tax exempt for 792 days from the date of purchase. After that date, a lifeboat owner must pay a quarterly tax of 25% of the lifeboat's net value. 

"It was either sell Lil' SoCo, or pay $576 billion dollars on June 30th," said Hacksaw during his press conference. "While I love it, at some point I have to realize that I can get to most of my nautical destinations via Row The Boat."

Members of the press grilled Hacksaw as to why he had sold his lifeboat, but not the lifeboat dock in Marina Del Rey.

"This press conference is over," replied Hacksaw.

Not much is known about the buyer of Lil' SoCo, but he's listed on the deed as one Hack S. Putin, a new resident of Santa Monica, CA with a social security number that was generated by the federal government a mere 4 seconds before the sale took place. According to the notary public assigned to the deal, Hack S. Putin was able to purchase Lil' SoCo for the price of $1 USD. 

Mr. Putin released a statement to the Associated Press, stating that he was "thrilled to make the purchase, and couldn't wait to make some cheesy hash brown type meals. Really looking forward to romantic nights with my wife Ki - uh - Gladys... yeah Gladys - anyway, this would definitely come in handy as a secretive training location for my alleged bowling apprentices. Apprentices - apprenti? I don't know, it is Latin?"

"I'd like to point out that while Mr. Putin purchased my boat for $1, he will have to pay tax on the actual assessed value of the boat in 792 days," said Hacksaw. "Of course, by that point, he made decide to sell the boat, possibly back to me. I mean I don't really know the guy."

CNN was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the notary public assigned to the deal. The notary, who asked not to be identified, appeared on CNN this evening with his 'attorney' HackBird, a 7 foot tall yellow bird in a Hack Team 5 t-shirt and a loaded gun pointed directly at the notary's head. CNN asked the notary to explain how a boat worth $2.3 trillion dollars could possibly sell for $1.

"I, uh ... I mean look, the boat had problems," said the notary. "It was uh barely worth a dollar. I mean, due to the vagaries of nautical wear, vis a vis changes in the oceanic climate ... Oh God. There's nothing to see here, I have to go."

In other news, residents of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, rejoiced this week as their city lost its title as "Most Dangerous Place in the World." In a statement released by the Department of Homeland Security, the federal government admitted that while the entity of Honduras as a whole is still "fucking terrible, and a god damn shame considering the climate and history and culture," it was no match for "the exact location of a poor soul who goes Piston Honda on any member of BDS."

Fox News obtained graphic footage from Bay Shore Lanes last week, when an innocent bowler was reverse Honda'd by BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish on a 6-9 split. It did not help matters when the bowler taunted Dynamite by saying that "there's no way you'll make this." 

"No way I'll make this? I fucking invented Piston Honda," said Dynamite. "I have not the time for her hi-jinks. Hi-jinks, what a funny word. Three dotted letters in a row." 

"Is it hyphenated?" asked Shot Boy.

"It used to be," Dynamite continued. "Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to. Then there's N'Sync. What the hell is that? Jump in any time, Powderkeg, these are good topics."

The bowling victim, identified only as Carly PKG, is an ESPY-award winning actress on the popular CW drama "Dawson's Creek", and sources told CNN that the dramatic incident may take part in the script for season 14. 

And finally this week, shares of Plan B Inc (NASDAQ: VAG)  rose 4.7 billion percent when it was announced that former customer of the year and BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons would be stopping by for the first time in 11 months after a scheduled prison break on Thursday.

Dynamite, Powderkeg Hire Controversial Bowling Guru

Blurry footage of Dynamite & Powderkeg with alleged Hacksputin

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons were questioned by local authorities today concerning their involvement with a controversial bowling guru the police have named "Hacksputin."

The handsome gents, mired in their 3rd consecutive worst season ever, allegedly hired Hacksputin to help increase guile and mahoganship before it's too late to win the title in TNT's summer league. Unfortunately, hiring coaches outside the league is strictly forbidden in the TNT bylaws.

Also questioned about the incident was BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who swore under oath that he had never met Hacksputin and knew nothing about him. He was immediately released when police were unable to provide any photographic evidence that Hacksaw and Hacksputin have ever been in the same room together.

Santa Monica police are working on a theory that Hacksputin has been hiding out in his lair on the sun, which is only reachable aboard Johnnie Skymaster, a 300 foot airship owned by Hacksaw. Up to this point, Hacksaw has refused to let the police borrow Johnnie to fly to the sun to investigate.

"This is a witch hunt," said Hacksaw. "I'm not going to let the police borrow my prized vessel just to travel to the sun and bother the locals looking for someone who doesn't exist."

According to Peruvian legend, Hacksputin came to this planet 41 years ago with the goal of helping handsome people bowl. He is not listed on any legal documents and thus is believed to not have a place of residence on earth or any possessions. The only proof that he exists is in blurry camera footage where he's often seen with a dynasaur-shaped figure in the background, and a 300 foot aircraft of some sort.

His controversial training methods involve increasing the fat content of a student's diet by 10,000% in order to improve the olfactory senses and thus the ability to sniff out the mahogany. He will often take his subjects into the mountains, load them with fat and sodium, and then direct them to the trees until they come back with the exact mahogany he has specified. He then builds a fire and meditates to the point that he appears to be sleeping.

Potato Shortage Terrorizes Nation

San Bernardino, CA -

The US Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to "chartreuse" after the entire United
States sold out of potatoes this afternoon.

According to the Associated Press, over 26 billion tons of potatoes were purchased Sunday, leaving grocers in a panic and adding unprecedented burden to our nation's potato farmers.

"At this rate, we won't return to normal potato stock levels until January 2926," said FDA Commish Margaret A Hamburg. "This came out of nowhere, and we're doing our best to pinpoint the source of the panic."

Sources told the Associated Press that the rush on potatoes is likely related to an incident in the San Bernardino mountains this morning, when BDS ringer and avid fisherman John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled the latest recipe from his test kitchen, Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash.

According to reports, a hungover Hacksaw grew increasingly impatient waiting for BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish to figure out an efficient method of cooking hash browns given the dearth of cooking utensils available. He gestured to Dynamite to "step aside" and took over the grill.

"My arm was sore after throwing 400 pitches yesterday," said Dynamite. "I was throwing about 15 pitches a minute, unless Angry Jimmy was batting, in which case I was throwing about 4 pitches per hour. It was a struggle this morning cooking. I had pork, I had other pork, I had eggs. I had these hashbrowns but my brain was fried. I just couldn't figure out the potatoes. What happened next was unbelievable."

Under sworn testimony, Dynamite divulged to the FBI the exact recipe for Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash. Some items were omitted as there is no recipe for greatness:

(18) frozen hash brown patties
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup bacon grease
(Shit)load of shredded cheese
1/4 tsp guile

Representatives for Johnnie Foodmaster, a Hacksaw Inc-owned grocery chain, hinted that the browns may soon be available at all locations, with the tagline "you don't like it, I don't give a fuck, just eat your hash browns."