Santa Monica, CA -
Hackosaur, championship coach of Back Door Santa as well as the top scientist in his field, announced this week that he was hanging up his bowling hat for while, and he was going fishin.
"It is with much excitement today that I announce a sabbatical from bowling in order to focus my efforts on coaching Back Door Santa, the world's fastest-rising fishing team," said Hackosaur in a prepared statement. "While I know this decision will come as a surprise to the bowling community, the fact of the matter is that the sport I have loved for millions of years, since I invented it, has been over-run by cockbrains in Costco jeans, screaming bearded banshees, old people, and the dirty French. Fuck the French."
"Furthermore," Hackosaur continued, "bowling on Mondays is for assholes."
As the news rippled through the bowling community, fans of BDS stormed the gates of the residence of Francois Hollande, the current President of France, demanding that any and all French on US soil be captured and returned to France until they figured out which one was robbing the world of BDS.
"Zee fans of zee bowlingz, zey are very angry," said Hollande. "I vould like to zay to zee American peoples, pleaze do not judge all of uz based on zee ack-shunz ahv one dairty Frenchman, sis vous plais."
Sources close to Hackosaur said that over the course of this winter season, he had become increasingly frustrated with the direction of the league, going so far as to actually long for the days of El Presidente's totalitarian rule.
"El Presidente may have been corrupt, but at least he wasn't a fucking clown," said BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. "I know I sure as hell didn't create Hackosaur out of ancient DNA and guile just so he would have to spend time with these people. I mean, fuck these people and fuck this place."
Recent developments in the ocean have made the decision easy for Hackosaur, sources said. In the past 9 months he's curated what experts say is the most powerful fishing team in the history of nautical sport, Back Door Santa.
"We play by our own rules, nobody else's. Not even our own," said BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. "There's only one thing on earth more powerful than my shimmy, and that's Hacksaw's Carolina Rig. Now it's time to see our potential. It will be easier to focus on cannibalizing the ocean food chain when we don't have to drive to Santa Monica on Monday nights for that shit."
BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon released a statement via a series of texts to his girlfriend, Jessica.
"Hey we r not bowling n e more"
"Yay! more time 4 texting lol"
"yes boo but my stupid friends want 2 fish do you want to fish?"
"No I am still recovering from missing u so much when u went camping"
"it was terrible they made me play wiffle ball and eat good food i miss you"
"lets never b apart"
"ok lets text and b in love lol rolf ttyl"
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
The Captain Downgrades
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| The New VP of Something Something |
In an effort to free up more time for the championship stretch, BDS Captain my Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has demoted himself to VP of Project Management for Back Door Santa, temporarily relinquishing the duties that come along with being The Captain.
"I realized that I was spending more time being The Captain and less time focusing on winning," said Tabon. "There's all kinds of red tape that come along with being The Captain, and I haven't even made any pizza pies this season."
The demotion comes at crucial time for Back Door Santa, as they go head to head tonight with first place Big Ern in what may be a championship preview.
"I mean look, I'm not even getting paid $2,000 to use a calculator for six minutes a week," VPCT continued. "I've worked for free and tried to push through a bunch of rule changes that would bring about more exciting competition to the league, but they're constantly shut down because they would benefit everyone instead of one asshole. So it's time to take on less responsibility and focus more on the mahogany."
As part of his new light duties, the VP will help BDS navigate a poisonous bowling environment, one in which everyone is getting ripped off, the lanes are complete piles of shit, and the rules never change unless it helps a league exec make up for his shitty handicap from the season before.
"I full expect a BDS championship, it's been too long," said the Veep. "We have DynaTyke coming in February, and the last thing I want is a cross to the chops because we brought him into a championship-free world."
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Hacksaw Weighs Options
Amen Corner, Redondo Beach, CA -
On the even of a new championship bowling season for Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is mulling his options and discussing with his advisors a plan to purchase the Pacific Ocean.
Rumors started to circulate about a deal this month when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, purchased several acres of oceanfront property in Hermosa Beach called "Amen Corner" by the locals.
According to the Associated Press, the Pacific Ocean began searching for a buyer this month when it became unable to keep up with the demand for surf perch and walleye. Advanced metrics show that the fish supply was stable up until about 7am on Friday, April 18th, when a sudden increase in fish removed from the ocean threatened the marine ecosystem and extinction of the human race.
The AP stated that it may not be coincidental that the increase in fish removed occurred at the same time Hacksaw affixed his trademark setup, the Carolina Rig, to BIG NASTY.
"I've always loved fishing, and I don't want to contribute to the end of humanity," said Hacksaw. "That said, I had Hackosaur crunch some numbers, and he determined that the Pacific Ocean has been wholly mismanaged for centuries, and the right owner could make a few changes to get things running smoothly. The bottom line is that I don't have it in me to stop catching perch."
Hacksaw then debuted his latest creation, a 24 trillion horsepower fishing rod, the catchingly-named "COLD BLOODED", which weighs only 4 ounces. Its soconium-lined shaft is strong enough to to reel in fish up to 945 metric tons, and the line comes equipped with a laser targeting mechanism called Il Capitan, which allows the Carolina rig to casually glance across up to 498 million square feet of ocean surface and determine the optimal point to drop into the water.
"You don't purchase COLD BLOODED," Hacksaw continued. "You attempt to hold onto COLD BLOODED for dear life while it annihilates all marine activity around it. You politely ask if it would like to be cast into the ocean, after which you calmly remove your filet knife in preparation for the incoming fish. You don't want to reach for your knife quickly or make any sudden moves, because COLD BLOODED is a cruel mistress. If you startle COLD BLOODED, it's likely to turn its attention away from the ocean and ruin your life and everyone you love."
In other TNT news, the league tonight will consider banning "shrieky harlot" apparel from the lanes, in hopes that it will reduce the amount of undesirables in league play. The pending decision was met with a swift press release from Costco:
"Banning this apparel will negatively impact Costco and its popular line of designer Kirkwood mom jean shorts," said Costco. "There's no definite prove that wearing our jean shorts turns you into a piece of shit who steals money and cheats and gambling. I implore the TNT to reconsider this rule."
.JPG) |
| Hacksaw dominates Amen Corner |
Rumors started to circulate about a deal this month when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, purchased several acres of oceanfront property in Hermosa Beach called "Amen Corner" by the locals.
According to the Associated Press, the Pacific Ocean began searching for a buyer this month when it became unable to keep up with the demand for surf perch and walleye. Advanced metrics show that the fish supply was stable up until about 7am on Friday, April 18th, when a sudden increase in fish removed from the ocean threatened the marine ecosystem and extinction of the human race.
The AP stated that it may not be coincidental that the increase in fish removed occurred at the same time Hacksaw affixed his trademark setup, the Carolina Rig, to BIG NASTY.
"I've always loved fishing, and I don't want to contribute to the end of humanity," said Hacksaw. "That said, I had Hackosaur crunch some numbers, and he determined that the Pacific Ocean has been wholly mismanaged for centuries, and the right owner could make a few changes to get things running smoothly. The bottom line is that I don't have it in me to stop catching perch."
Hacksaw then debuted his latest creation, a 24 trillion horsepower fishing rod, the catchingly-named "COLD BLOODED", which weighs only 4 ounces. Its soconium-lined shaft is strong enough to to reel in fish up to 945 metric tons, and the line comes equipped with a laser targeting mechanism called Il Capitan, which allows the Carolina rig to casually glance across up to 498 million square feet of ocean surface and determine the optimal point to drop into the water.
"You don't purchase COLD BLOODED," Hacksaw continued. "You attempt to hold onto COLD BLOODED for dear life while it annihilates all marine activity around it. You politely ask if it would like to be cast into the ocean, after which you calmly remove your filet knife in preparation for the incoming fish. You don't want to reach for your knife quickly or make any sudden moves, because COLD BLOODED is a cruel mistress. If you startle COLD BLOODED, it's likely to turn its attention away from the ocean and ruin your life and everyone you love."
In other TNT news, the league tonight will consider banning "shrieky harlot" apparel from the lanes, in hopes that it will reduce the amount of undesirables in league play. The pending decision was met with a swift press release from Costco:
"Banning this apparel will negatively impact Costco and its popular line of designer Kirkwood mom jean shorts," said Costco. "There's no definite prove that wearing our jean shorts turns you into a piece of shit who steals money and cheats and gambling. I implore the TNT to reconsider this rule."
Sunday, February 9, 2014
DynaGirl Discovers Ancient Origins of Hackcidil
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| Fig 1 |
In his weekly press conference with the Society of Ancient Medicine Discoverers, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that the powerful antibiotic synthesized by Hackosaur was actually developed by his ancestors thousands of years ago.
"Hackcidil is the most powerful drug on the planet," said Hacksaw. "It's done wonders for Hackawife, and I want to thank Hackosaur for filling the void where modern experts failed. However, recent evidence suggests that Hackosaur was not developing Hackcidil from scientific testing, but rather from ancient blueprints buried in his own DNA."
According to the Associated Press, sometime during the 2nd and 3rd game of the first week of TNT in January, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon went to check the time on his watch, simultaneously giving a casual glance towards Egypt, where he noticed ancient cave drawings buried 3 miles below the earth's surface. The drawings were quickly excavated and delivered to the Hermosa Beach estate of BDS, where Dynagirl had been studying ancient medicine synthesis in lieu of potty training.
According to Dynagirl's analysis, a prehistoric descendent of the Hacksaw family line, named Whiskers Hackopatra, identified the healing powers in the lead compound used to make Egyptian mailboxes. Limited to the primitive tools of the time, Whiskers grabbed an ancient saw and began cutting and cutting the lead compound until its molecular structure was broken down into microscopic bacteria-fighting organisms. The organisms where then brought to the town rabbit (see Fig 1, top left) who molded the organisms into a wooden plank. The rabbit then continued cutting them until they had reached maximum anger, ready to attack the world and any liver-fighting virus inhabiting it. The molecular structure of the Hackcidil was verified by the town raccoon, although parts of that evidence have been damaged over time and are thus off frame.
The results of Dynagirl's investigation were recently published by British author and Hacksaw family genealogist Richard Scarry in his book "What Do People Do All Day: If They Are Hacksaws, They Make Hackcidil."
"According to Dynagirl, Hackosaur didn't invent Hackcidil as much as he remembered how to make it, as the recipe has been ingrained in his DNA and the DNA of my family for thousands of years," Hacksaw continued. "Not the first time he was alive, but after I produced him with a combination of ancient Hacksaw DNA and guile. In conclusion, I'd like to thank myself for the improvement of my wife's condition, and I expect that after her full recovery, she'll want to have a long discussion about the time my niece Dynagirl found evidence of her medicine in ancient cave drawings discovered by my bowling captain while casually glancing eastward from Santa Monica."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Report: Hackosaur develops super-penicillin to fight pneumonia
Santa Monica, CA -
The Associated Press is reporting that Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on anti-biotic optimization, has developed (in conjunction with The Marinara Panda, a hot new LA eatery that provided funding) the world's first "super penicillin" in an effort to fight a new dangerous strain of pneumonia attacking the Los Angeles area.
The powerful super penicillin, dubbed "Hackcidil" by the New England Journal of Medicine, is reportedly 4 trillion times more powerful than traditional anti-biotics, and is earth's best chance to defeat a Cuban-based strain of pneumonia that is terrorizing handsome Americans. Hackcidil was synthesized by Hackosaur this week in response to the news that his sexy Godmother, Hackawife, had fallen ill to the dangerous virus known as El Pneumoniadente.
According to the journal, Hackcidil is a powerful combination of traditional penicillin, two parts soconium, a dash of guile, four tablespoons of witch hazel, 5ml of cayenne, 4 puffs of StegaMaXXX, and 2 egg whites.
"This is the most sophisticated antibiotic I've ever seen," said the hilariously-named US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak. "It doesn't just cure you of El Pneumoniadente. It takes El Pneumoniadente out back and beats it like a bitch. It calls it names, if you will. 'Does your husband cause fevers?" is a question it might ask. Sure, El Pneumoniadente is a cute name; but make no mistake Billy: Given the chance, this virus will eat you and your entire family."
Hackosaur's research was funded by the good folks at The Marinara Panda, a brand new Chinese-Italian fusion restaurant in Los Angeles that won the first-ever Michelin 40,000-star rating.
"Hacksaw told me he had to skip bowling because Hackawife was feeling ill due to El Pneumoniadente," said MP's founder, captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I was torn up - I don't like bowling without the avid fisherman. The news was wrecking my home life - I only made sweet love to my wife six times today. My poor boo. But she looked me in the eye and said "Baby, if there's anyone who can make a difference, it's the sexy husband of Alexandria Daddario-Tabon, the chick who just got naked on True Detective last night."
Doctors are so confident in the effectiveness of Hackcidil that they have already booked Hackawife to compete in next week's annual Hacksaw Triathalon, historically known as the world's most challenging athletic event. Contestants must complete a 2 mile ocean swim, a 100 mile bike ride, a marathon, and then eat 56 hot dogs in under 4 minutes.
"Hackcidil not only cures pneumonia, it also creates a super-human, if you will," Rear Admiral Lushniak continued. "Once her body is rid of the virus, Hackawife will continue to grow in power to the point that she will be a threat to all nations on earth. One of the main side effects is a complete lack of patience. Say for example, you came home in April and said to your wife, Honey we are now officially 3 years since our last bowling championship. And let's say, for argument's sake, that your wife was now a superhuman who was hopped up on a combination of cayenne, egg whites, and soconium. The phrase "epic beatdown" gets thrown around a lot these days ... my diagnosis is that you should just win a championship."
According to sources, BDS weak link Dynamite "Chris" Parish wrapped up recording this week of his new smooth jazz album, a 14 song set of soothing, sexy sounds entitled "Don't Kill Me Pussycat." The album's intended use is for emergency situations where your soconium-riddled superwife is coming at you with the power of a thousand Hacksaw-owned suns because you threw a 204 in the last game but were still swept by that lying shitbag Ryan Gallagher.
"There's not gonna be a big market for this record," said Dynamite. "But it's about the art, and saving my teammate from future beatdowns."
In other news, United States traitor Lisa "Deep Throat" Morgan held a protest outside Hackosaur's lab today after learning from the internet that a dinosaur, made from ancient DNA and guile, was playing God by making a new drug based on cayenne and egg whites.
And finally this week, TV's Carly Chaikin will be subbing for Hackosaur tomorrow night, with all proceeds going to her new charity, the Friends of Hacksaw Foundation.
"I was like, really moved," said Chaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family. "I mean like, every year, like, countless husbands get their asses kicked by like, I mean, like El Pneumoniadente survivors. It's like a real problem, and I was like, what can I do to help, you know. Anyway."
The Associated Press is reporting that Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on anti-biotic optimization, has developed (in conjunction with The Marinara Panda, a hot new LA eatery that provided funding) the world's first "super penicillin" in an effort to fight a new dangerous strain of pneumonia attacking the Los Angeles area.
The powerful super penicillin, dubbed "Hackcidil" by the New England Journal of Medicine, is reportedly 4 trillion times more powerful than traditional anti-biotics, and is earth's best chance to defeat a Cuban-based strain of pneumonia that is terrorizing handsome Americans. Hackcidil was synthesized by Hackosaur this week in response to the news that his sexy Godmother, Hackawife, had fallen ill to the dangerous virus known as El Pneumoniadente.
According to the journal, Hackcidil is a powerful combination of traditional penicillin, two parts soconium, a dash of guile, four tablespoons of witch hazel, 5ml of cayenne, 4 puffs of StegaMaXXX, and 2 egg whites.
"This is the most sophisticated antibiotic I've ever seen," said the hilariously-named US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak. "It doesn't just cure you of El Pneumoniadente. It takes El Pneumoniadente out back and beats it like a bitch. It calls it names, if you will. 'Does your husband cause fevers?" is a question it might ask. Sure, El Pneumoniadente is a cute name; but make no mistake Billy: Given the chance, this virus will eat you and your entire family."
Hackosaur's research was funded by the good folks at The Marinara Panda, a brand new Chinese-Italian fusion restaurant in Los Angeles that won the first-ever Michelin 40,000-star rating.
"Hacksaw told me he had to skip bowling because Hackawife was feeling ill due to El Pneumoniadente," said MP's founder, captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I was torn up - I don't like bowling without the avid fisherman. The news was wrecking my home life - I only made sweet love to my wife six times today. My poor boo. But she looked me in the eye and said "Baby, if there's anyone who can make a difference, it's the sexy husband of Alexandria Daddario-Tabon, the chick who just got naked on True Detective last night."
Doctors are so confident in the effectiveness of Hackcidil that they have already booked Hackawife to compete in next week's annual Hacksaw Triathalon, historically known as the world's most challenging athletic event. Contestants must complete a 2 mile ocean swim, a 100 mile bike ride, a marathon, and then eat 56 hot dogs in under 4 minutes.
"Hackcidil not only cures pneumonia, it also creates a super-human, if you will," Rear Admiral Lushniak continued. "Once her body is rid of the virus, Hackawife will continue to grow in power to the point that she will be a threat to all nations on earth. One of the main side effects is a complete lack of patience. Say for example, you came home in April and said to your wife, Honey we are now officially 3 years since our last bowling championship. And let's say, for argument's sake, that your wife was now a superhuman who was hopped up on a combination of cayenne, egg whites, and soconium. The phrase "epic beatdown" gets thrown around a lot these days ... my diagnosis is that you should just win a championship."
According to sources, BDS weak link Dynamite "Chris" Parish wrapped up recording this week of his new smooth jazz album, a 14 song set of soothing, sexy sounds entitled "Don't Kill Me Pussycat." The album's intended use is for emergency situations where your soconium-riddled superwife is coming at you with the power of a thousand Hacksaw-owned suns because you threw a 204 in the last game but were still swept by that lying shitbag Ryan Gallagher.
"There's not gonna be a big market for this record," said Dynamite. "But it's about the art, and saving my teammate from future beatdowns."
In other news, United States traitor Lisa "Deep Throat" Morgan held a protest outside Hackosaur's lab today after learning from the internet that a dinosaur, made from ancient DNA and guile, was playing God by making a new drug based on cayenne and egg whites.
And finally this week, TV's Carly Chaikin will be subbing for Hackosaur tomorrow night, with all proceeds going to her new charity, the Friends of Hacksaw Foundation.
"I was like, really moved," said Chaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family. "I mean like, every year, like, countless husbands get their asses kicked by like, I mean, like El Pneumoniadente survivors. It's like a real problem, and I was like, what can I do to help, you know. Anyway."
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Hacksaw To Announce Polar Vortex Decision
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| Bambi Tabon enjoys the HAPPY |
The strong vortex, named HAPPY (HAcksaw Polar Precipitation Y-vent) began Sunday when Hacksaw reduced power from the sun by 50%.
At a news conference Saturday evening, Hacksaw discussed his reasoning with a media throng that frankly had been taking sunlight for granted.
"It's the dawn of a new bowling season, and I want to be in a situation where I'm not sitting in the warm sunshine losing focus," said Hacksaw. "I want to keep my wits about me, not drinking Mai Tais on the beach. Unfortunately, Hackosaur has yet to complete his new mechanism that helps us control exactly which parts of the earth will feel the impact of the reduced power, and thus there's a good chance that California will be as warm as it always is, and the historic cold will only affect parts of the US I don't give a shit about."
Critics of the plan are accusing Hacksaw of trying to punish US citizens for cheating on their sun taxes, while others theorize that he's been too busy with his new role on the FX series "Justified" to have fully vetted this idea with Hackosaur and his team of researchers.
"Justified" season 5 debuted last night to record ratings, as viewers tuned in to get a first look at a guile-y new character named Hack Longinthepants, played by TV's John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. Longinthepants is a loose canon detective, and it remains to be seen if the rest of Harlan County will grow tired of his renegade ways. Longinthepants is teamed with his veteran partner Hackosaur Givens, a throwback to the Prohibition-era dinosaurs popularized by the golden age of Hollywood and a distant cousin of Raylon Givens. Hackosaur is one day away from retirement, but agrees to go on one last mission with Longinthepants aboard their fishing boat, the coincidentally-named "Live Forever."
"Hack Longinthepants is a character I was born to play," said Hacksaw. "He plays by his own rules, nobody elses, not even his own."
Meteorologist Jim Cantore said that while he's been thrilled with the performance of HAPPY so far this week, inside sources tell him that Hacksaw's decision to end HAPPY and save the world will likely come down to whether or not he makes a pizza pie tonight.
In other news, BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned safely from his pilgrimage to Belize, known throughout the world as the spiritual center of the bowling community. ESPNBDS reported in early December that the team feared Powderkeg had lost his love of bowling, and thus the team put him aboard Johnnie Skymaster, and in early December + 3 seconds Powderkeg arrived in Belize to find his inner bowler.
And finally this week, the stars came out to get the first look at Hollywood's newest restaurant, The Marinara Panda, an Italian-Chinese fusion restaurant recently opened by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and his boo, Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence-Tabon. Fans of Italian-Chinese fusion dined on Marinara Panda specialties like Truffle Tso's Chicken, Kung Pow Parmesan, and Hot and Sour Gnocci. The most popular dish, Basil-Wrapped Dump Gulper Shark, is a medley of olive-oil sauteed basil wrapped around pieces of Dump Gulper Shark, the world's rarest, most endangered, and tastiest shark. Diners can expect to pay upwards of $40,000 just for asking if it's one of today's specials.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Report: Last Night's Victory Was Predicted 400 years ago
Santa Monica, CA-
Last night, Back Door Santa captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon delivered a tasty Italian pizza pie to help defeat a bunch of fucking assholes.
This morning, CNN is reporting that The Captain's performance was actually predicted 400 years ago by his ancestor, Somerville businessman Chong Tabonese.
According to reports, Tabonese left a diary of his predictions buried under one of the oak bowling lanes that used to comprise Beacon Street in Somerville. The diary was discovered last night during the predictable riots in Boston, where the locals took to the streets to celebrate their first World Series championship in 5 years by destroying private property and ruining the lives of those around them.
The diary, obtained by CNN's Anderson Cooper, has been deemed authentic by Harvard University as the prose matches that of other published works left behind by our nation's first and only Asian-Italian.
"This is without question the writing of Chong Tabonese," said Cooper. "He-a clearly predicts a pizza pie delivery from one of his future grandkids that will help defeat a team of dickheads."
CNN has published select excerpts from the diary:
30th October of the Year Sixteen hundred and 20:
"Hey, oh, why you no finish you egg roll, capice? It's Chong Tabonese here, I mean c'mon hey, I'm-a writing in my diary hee-ya. It's been a good day, you talkin' to me? Threw some balls on the lanes with this new guy, Nicholas Gunpowder, hey yo, he's-a fromma da Keg family. We had a little ah, how you say, chow mein eh? He's got a lotta kids, a lotta kids from that one.
And then this otha guy, Hans Hack, always with the dinosaur. 'I predict a dinosaur', always with his inventions. So I says to him "Hey I'm-a gonna hackpad you across the back side, you get me? Hey-o" anyway he's a good guy and his wife D'Gonny's a little piece of ah, how you say, panda express.
So anyways I'm there with the guys you know, and I'm like Hey yo, I have a feeling, I gotta feeling that someone descended from my Asian-Italian loins, he's-a gonna have a big day, he's-a gonna be making the pizza pies, you know? He's-a gonna be out there and there's-a gonna be danger, and it's-a gonna be in the form of a bunch of guys who are, how you say, fucking dicks. But my boy, he's a gonna rowah the boat, and he's a gonna make the pizza pie, and these dicks is gonna cry. Anyway that's a my prediction."
 |
| Chong tends to his brick oven in this undated photo |
This morning, CNN is reporting that The Captain's performance was actually predicted 400 years ago by his ancestor, Somerville businessman Chong Tabonese.
According to reports, Tabonese left a diary of his predictions buried under one of the oak bowling lanes that used to comprise Beacon Street in Somerville. The diary was discovered last night during the predictable riots in Boston, where the locals took to the streets to celebrate their first World Series championship in 5 years by destroying private property and ruining the lives of those around them.
The diary, obtained by CNN's Anderson Cooper, has been deemed authentic by Harvard University as the prose matches that of other published works left behind by our nation's first and only Asian-Italian.
"This is without question the writing of Chong Tabonese," said Cooper. "He-a clearly predicts a pizza pie delivery from one of his future grandkids that will help defeat a team of dickheads."
CNN has published select excerpts from the diary:
30th October of the Year Sixteen hundred and 20:
"Hey, oh, why you no finish you egg roll, capice? It's Chong Tabonese here, I mean c'mon hey, I'm-a writing in my diary hee-ya. It's been a good day, you talkin' to me? Threw some balls on the lanes with this new guy, Nicholas Gunpowder, hey yo, he's-a fromma da Keg family. We had a little ah, how you say, chow mein eh? He's got a lotta kids, a lotta kids from that one.
And then this otha guy, Hans Hack, always with the dinosaur. 'I predict a dinosaur', always with his inventions. So I says to him "Hey I'm-a gonna hackpad you across the back side, you get me? Hey-o" anyway he's a good guy and his wife D'Gonny's a little piece of ah, how you say, panda express.
So anyways I'm there with the guys you know, and I'm like Hey yo, I have a feeling, I gotta feeling that someone descended from my Asian-Italian loins, he's-a gonna have a big day, he's-a gonna be making the pizza pies, you know? He's-a gonna be out there and there's-a gonna be danger, and it's-a gonna be in the form of a bunch of guys who are, how you say, fucking dicks. But my boy, he's a gonna rowah the boat, and he's a gonna make the pizza pie, and these dicks is gonna cry. Anyway that's a my prediction."
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Earth Celebrates World Hack Day
Earth -
Nations across the world gathered today to celebrate the only holiday celebrated by all 196 countries on earth, World Hack Day.
Financial markets in Japan, Europe, and the United States opened at record highs as investors threw down their cash to honor John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline as well as the most successful small investor in world history. Tourists flocked to exotic locales owned by Hacksaw, including Spain, Mars, and 7 of the 13 counties in Portugal.
They day is a celebration of the birth of John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline, and an avid fisherman. The Hacksaw family began in 1620, when Hans Giovanni Hack emigrated to Jamestown, VA from either the Netherlands, Italy, or Germany. Finding that the New World in Virginia was disturbingly devoid of good looking women in which he might plant his powerful seed, Hack sailed up the coast of the Americas until he spotted several hotties hanging out on the shores of Boston Harbor.
Quickly after settling in New England, Hans met a comely lass of virtue true, D'Gonny Marie Phoodmastre. The Phoodmastre family had left England under duress after beating the Royal Family in the Ye Olde Bowling Tournament of 1619. King James IV (of the Stuart family) was unable to convert a 7-10 split in the championship game, and immediately accused his opponent, the sterling and handsome Cirque Du Somèr Phoodmastre (possibly of France) of witchcraft.
Hans and D'Gonny were soon married, and built a home on a development they named Somerville, after D'Gonny's father. They started the family fortune with a series of markets called D'Gonny's Phoodmastre, which they then sold to local conglomerate ConAgra Jones, whose company would own the markets until they were purchased by Hacksaw in 2011.
It is in Somerville where Hans Hacksaw began developing the science needed to ensure that his family would become the most successful bowling bloodline in the history of the world. Hans purchased nearby Beacon Street, tore up the cobblestone, and installed 14 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. As he had yet to invent mahogany, these early lanes were built using local birch trees and cheap Native American labor. Locals would gather at the nearby pub, The Thirsty Hans, and place bets on how many consecutive 300 games Hans could bowl before they all got smallpox.
He also designed the first Hackpad prototype, an 8 inch by 12 inch piece of granite on which you could write calculations with chalk. Not wanting this technology to get into the wrong hands, he buried the prototype in the backyard so it could be discovered 400 years later by his great-great-great-great-great-great grandsaur, Hackosaur, and be used to design the current Hackpads we know and love today.
Hans and D'Gonny formed their first bowling team, Backdoor Father Christmas (BDFC), with a handsome guile-y neighbor, Nicholas Gunpowder, descendent of the Kegg family and father of 64% of the children in New England. Gunpowder recruited local businessowner Chong Tabonese, the only Asian Italian to have ever existed. Tabonese had made millions in Italy by providing secondary plans to city officials. If Plan A didn't work, they would then ask Tabonese to help them get to Plan B.
According to legend, D'Gonny's time on the team was cut short when she was injured by a 2x4 thrown in celebration after a strike (not in the face though). Not wanting to risk further calamity, she was replaced by shady fencing salesman TNT Chris Parish, who owned a building company called Weak Link Discount Fences. Parish was beloved by fathers in Somerville, for they knew that if he was courting their daughters, there was no risk that they could get knocked up in any reasonable timeframe.
Anyway that's the history of the Hacksaw family, eat your fucking hashbrowns.
Nations across the world gathered today to celebrate the only holiday celebrated by all 196 countries on earth, World Hack Day.
Financial markets in Japan, Europe, and the United States opened at record highs as investors threw down their cash to honor John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline as well as the most successful small investor in world history. Tourists flocked to exotic locales owned by Hacksaw, including Spain, Mars, and 7 of the 13 counties in Portugal.
They day is a celebration of the birth of John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline, and an avid fisherman. The Hacksaw family began in 1620, when Hans Giovanni Hack emigrated to Jamestown, VA from either the Netherlands, Italy, or Germany. Finding that the New World in Virginia was disturbingly devoid of good looking women in which he might plant his powerful seed, Hack sailed up the coast of the Americas until he spotted several hotties hanging out on the shores of Boston Harbor.
Quickly after settling in New England, Hans met a comely lass of virtue true, D'Gonny Marie Phoodmastre. The Phoodmastre family had left England under duress after beating the Royal Family in the Ye Olde Bowling Tournament of 1619. King James IV (of the Stuart family) was unable to convert a 7-10 split in the championship game, and immediately accused his opponent, the sterling and handsome Cirque Du Somèr Phoodmastre (possibly of France) of witchcraft.
Hans and D'Gonny were soon married, and built a home on a development they named Somerville, after D'Gonny's father. They started the family fortune with a series of markets called D'Gonny's Phoodmastre, which they then sold to local conglomerate ConAgra Jones, whose company would own the markets until they were purchased by Hacksaw in 2011.
It is in Somerville where Hans Hacksaw began developing the science needed to ensure that his family would become the most successful bowling bloodline in the history of the world. Hans purchased nearby Beacon Street, tore up the cobblestone, and installed 14 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. As he had yet to invent mahogany, these early lanes were built using local birch trees and cheap Native American labor. Locals would gather at the nearby pub, The Thirsty Hans, and place bets on how many consecutive 300 games Hans could bowl before they all got smallpox.
He also designed the first Hackpad prototype, an 8 inch by 12 inch piece of granite on which you could write calculations with chalk. Not wanting this technology to get into the wrong hands, he buried the prototype in the backyard so it could be discovered 400 years later by his great-great-great-great-great-great grandsaur, Hackosaur, and be used to design the current Hackpads we know and love today.
Hans and D'Gonny formed their first bowling team, Backdoor Father Christmas (BDFC), with a handsome guile-y neighbor, Nicholas Gunpowder, descendent of the Kegg family and father of 64% of the children in New England. Gunpowder recruited local businessowner Chong Tabonese, the only Asian Italian to have ever existed. Tabonese had made millions in Italy by providing secondary plans to city officials. If Plan A didn't work, they would then ask Tabonese to help them get to Plan B.
According to legend, D'Gonny's time on the team was cut short when she was injured by a 2x4 thrown in celebration after a strike (not in the face though). Not wanting to risk further calamity, she was replaced by shady fencing salesman TNT Chris Parish, who owned a building company called Weak Link Discount Fences. Parish was beloved by fathers in Somerville, for they knew that if he was courting their daughters, there was no risk that they could get knocked up in any reasonable timeframe.
Anyway that's the history of the Hacksaw family, eat your fucking hashbrowns.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Barbara Palvin-Lyons Files For Divorce
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| Powderkeg and Palvin-Lyons during happier times |
It's not a very happy 20th birthday for Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons, as the beauty announced that she was filing for divorce from her husband of four weeks, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.
"Is is with deep regret that I have decided to end my marriage to the most consistent man I've ever know, Powderkeg," Palvin-Lyons said in a written statement. "Where I come from, Germany or whatever, Wednesday nights are a sacred time to be with family and to do it. I understand that my beloved Powderkeg is a selfless man and long before me dedicated his life to bowling, and I love him so much that I can no longer stand in his way. It's laughable to think that this brave hero used to only bowl 3 games a night. But after 5 games every Wednesday, he's too fatigued to bowl one game of love with me."
According to the Associated Press, the pair began a whirlwind romance after meeting through the popular dating app TindHack, where users can peruse photos of Back Door Santa and send anonymous 'flirts'. The app comes standard on the Hackpad, and uses a powerful soconium-powered processor that allows the members of Back Door Santa to quickly filter the trillions of flirts received in a manner of nanoseconds.
TindHack was developed in August 2013 by Hacksaw Inc, and quickly sold to Zynga for $918 trillion dollars. The app had come under fire from media outlets because out of the trillions of flirts sent to BDS each day, 50% of them were from one woman who was concurrently planning her large-scale wedding to a 50 year old, knowing the whole time that it's kind of a really shitty thing to do to a person, even if he is old.
"Love is blind," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Love knows no boundaries, especially the boundary of not looking for a better option up until literally two weeks before your wedding. Hey I'm sure it's gonna work out though, that's a good foundation."
In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled his latest investment this week, HO2, a $578 quadrillion dollar oxygen bar designed to fight bowling fatigue. According to documents obtained by CNN, the team was entrenched aboard Lil Soco discussing ways to fight the fatigue that comes from bowling 5 games a night when Shot Boy casually glanced 14 degrees southwest of the moon and discovered a pocket of oxygen so pure and flammable that even a light brain synapse within 200 miles would create an explosion so powerful that the Milky Way would vanish within seconds.
Oxygen from this pocket in the atmosphere is delivered to HO2 daily so that members of BDS can take a little pick me up after the 5th frame of the 3rd game, the official "half way point" on Wednesday nights.
And finally this week, notorious BDS bachelor Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon stepped out with his new wife, Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons-Tabon, at an event honoring bowling captains who date recently divorced supermodels.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
BDS Offered Second Place
Santa Monica, CA -
According to reports, TNT rapscallions Back Door Santa were offered a deal this morning to accept second place and avoid the embarrassment of a public beat down at the hands of Crank Funk in tonight's championship game.
"I think they should take the deal," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "No way they sweep Crank Funk tonight. The Funk have won 16 games in a row against top competition. I can't stress enough how there is absolutely no chance that Back Door Santa wins four games tonight."
The highly anticipated championship match pits up-and-comers Crank Funk against two-time champions Back Door Santa - or as they're widely known, "those douchebags with the 2x4." Vegas has taken odds off the table as this is predicted to be the most lopsided final in TNT history, with Crank Funk cruising to another victory.
Crank Funk has dominated this season by playing the game the right way, playing station-to-station ball, and acting like they've been there before. BDS, on the other hand, has shown multiple times that they can't step it up when they absolutely need it, concluding with last week when they needed a 958 in the final game and only got 957.
The Twittersphere was robust this morning with celebrities tweeting their thoughts about tonight's pending championship match.
"Hey @backdoorsanta just give it up - there's no way you make any shots tonight."
- @carlychaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family
"Hey @pablolyons you ready for tonight? I'm talking specifically about fixing the match against BDS"
- @elpresidente, noted despot and leader of Cuba
"I do not exist"
- @hacksputin, mysterious non-existing person.
To back up his claims, ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton broke down tonight's matchup in hopes that BDS would come to their senses and forfeit.
Recent Performance:
Back Door Santa has not won a championship since April 2011, meanwhile Crank Funk nearly won earlier this year, and has been in first place virtually all of the summer season. Furthermore, they play the game the right way.
Edge: Crank Funk
Consistency:
BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is in danger of giving up his Most Consistent award for the first time in 7 seasons after an up-and-down summer season that was mostly down. The former first-round pick, noted for not loving bowling, has no chance of breaking out of his slump tonight as he's never shown a propensity to perform when it matters most - as long as you don't ask any ladies or look at any past performances when it mattered.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have been consistent all season against top competition.
Edge: Crank Funk
Weak Link:
BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is on the verge of breaking the TNT record for weak linkiness this season. It's really unbelievable at this point how he's still on the team, and it must be noted that TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese recently suggested that teams only have 3 members, reported on the urging from BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, has no weak link.
Edge: Crank Funk
Nefarious Associations:
Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has discussed on numerous occasions his involvement with a mysterious notary known only as "Hacksputin". Nothing is known about Hacksputin - he does not exist in any tax records despite owning a 300-foot yacht. Since his alleged involvement with Back Door Santa, which began in the summer of 2013, BDS has seen nothing but failure, barely making it to the championship game for the first time in two years. Furthermore, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has involved Hacksputin in two failed investments - a feline veterinary wing called KHAT and an addition to Yo Hacka Hacka called HONDA - which are both barely wildly and historically profitable.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no known associations other than a deep and binding association with the fair and non-nefariousy leader of TNT, El Presidente
Edge: Crank Funk
Farm System:
The desire for a championship has gutted the BDS farm system, and its only true prospect, Dynagirl, has been unable to reach the 300 mark despite constant training from Hackosaur. She was almost traded for Jeff Bagwell earlier this summer after not eating her yogurt and finishing the day with a 299.53.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no failed prospects.
Edge: Crank Funk
Ability to Enter The Construction Zone:
BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon came within 11 pins last week of entering the construction zone; according to Vegas, he never will, especially tonight. Las Vegas cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no chance Shot Boy enters The Construction Zone on his way to a third TNT title today on August 22, 2013.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, play the game the right way.
Edge: Crank Funk
Prediction - while we strongly urge Back Door Santa to take the plea bargain and secure second place, in the event that they brazenly decide to bowl tonight, we predict a historic beatdown wherein Crank Funk wins by so many pins that they are awarded 5 points and their first championship.
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| BDS discuss what to do with their second place earnings |
"I think they should take the deal," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "No way they sweep Crank Funk tonight. The Funk have won 16 games in a row against top competition. I can't stress enough how there is absolutely no chance that Back Door Santa wins four games tonight."
The highly anticipated championship match pits up-and-comers Crank Funk against two-time champions Back Door Santa - or as they're widely known, "those douchebags with the 2x4." Vegas has taken odds off the table as this is predicted to be the most lopsided final in TNT history, with Crank Funk cruising to another victory.
Crank Funk has dominated this season by playing the game the right way, playing station-to-station ball, and acting like they've been there before. BDS, on the other hand, has shown multiple times that they can't step it up when they absolutely need it, concluding with last week when they needed a 958 in the final game and only got 957.
The Twittersphere was robust this morning with celebrities tweeting their thoughts about tonight's pending championship match.
"Hey @backdoorsanta just give it up - there's no way you make any shots tonight."
- @carlychaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family
"Hey @pablolyons you ready for tonight? I'm talking specifically about fixing the match against BDS"
- @elpresidente, noted despot and leader of Cuba
"I do not exist"
- @hacksputin, mysterious non-existing person.
To back up his claims, ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton broke down tonight's matchup in hopes that BDS would come to their senses and forfeit.
Recent Performance:
Back Door Santa has not won a championship since April 2011, meanwhile Crank Funk nearly won earlier this year, and has been in first place virtually all of the summer season. Furthermore, they play the game the right way.
Edge: Crank Funk
Consistency:
BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is in danger of giving up his Most Consistent award for the first time in 7 seasons after an up-and-down summer season that was mostly down. The former first-round pick, noted for not loving bowling, has no chance of breaking out of his slump tonight as he's never shown a propensity to perform when it matters most - as long as you don't ask any ladies or look at any past performances when it mattered.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have been consistent all season against top competition.
Edge: Crank Funk
Weak Link:
BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is on the verge of breaking the TNT record for weak linkiness this season. It's really unbelievable at this point how he's still on the team, and it must be noted that TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese recently suggested that teams only have 3 members, reported on the urging from BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, has no weak link.
Edge: Crank Funk
Nefarious Associations:
Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has discussed on numerous occasions his involvement with a mysterious notary known only as "Hacksputin". Nothing is known about Hacksputin - he does not exist in any tax records despite owning a 300-foot yacht. Since his alleged involvement with Back Door Santa, which began in the summer of 2013, BDS has seen nothing but failure, barely making it to the championship game for the first time in two years. Furthermore, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has involved Hacksputin in two failed investments - a feline veterinary wing called KHAT and an addition to Yo Hacka Hacka called HONDA - which are both barely wildly and historically profitable.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no known associations other than a deep and binding association with the fair and non-nefariousy leader of TNT, El Presidente
Edge: Crank Funk
Farm System:
The desire for a championship has gutted the BDS farm system, and its only true prospect, Dynagirl, has been unable to reach the 300 mark despite constant training from Hackosaur. She was almost traded for Jeff Bagwell earlier this summer after not eating her yogurt and finishing the day with a 299.53.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no failed prospects.
Edge: Crank Funk
Ability to Enter The Construction Zone:
BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon came within 11 pins last week of entering the construction zone; according to Vegas, he never will, especially tonight. Las Vegas cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no chance Shot Boy enters The Construction Zone on his way to a third TNT title today on August 22, 2013.
Crank Funk, on the other hand, play the game the right way.
Edge: Crank Funk
Prediction - while we strongly urge Back Door Santa to take the plea bargain and secure second place, in the event that they brazenly decide to bowl tonight, we predict a historic beatdown wherein Crank Funk wins by so many pins that they are awarded 5 points and their first championship.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
BDS To Bowl For Charity
Santa Monica, CA -
As reports surfaced this week that TNT despot El Presidente was planning on rigging tonight's final regular season matchup against two time champion Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that BDS would be bowling for charity this evening in hopes that the increased spotlight and humanitarianism would persuade El Presidente to engage in fair competition.
BDS take the lanes this evening against their long-time rivals Split It and Quit It, who own a lifetime 22-2 record against BDS. Even with ringleader Easy Dan Miller having mentally checked out of bowling in favor of pre-marital bliss, Vegas has Split It as 1-4,000,000 favorites against BDS tonight.
Hacksaw stepped into action after an article ran in Corruption Enthusiast, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, describing Split It's remarkable 7 point victory on Thursday, three days before the match was even played. The resulting 7 point loss for BDS knocked them out of competition for the top spot this season.
The article included a picture of El Presidente handing an unidentified short Cuban-American 4 trillion Cuban pesos and a note that clearly read "Here is some money which is explicitly for the purpose of knocking down all of Split It's pins on Thursday. Good Luck Pablo - your friend, El Presidente." The caption for the photo simply read "Our beloved presidente greets his fans."
"We can't seem to get a fair shake," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "But does El Presidente have the nefariousness to rig a match when BDS is playing for a noble charity? We're about to find out."
As a result, Hacksaw announced that BDS would be bowling tonight for Humans Against Corruption and chicKanery (HACK) - a for-profit organization that helps fund the bowling training for any American youth, provided they reside in Hermosa Beach, CA and were born on June 24 2011 at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.
HACK was started back on August 7th 2013 by noted samaritan Hacksputin, an alleged associate of BDS and world-renowned bowling psychologist. While there has been no legal evidence that Hacksputin even exists, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti quickly approved his application, including all applicable federal and state tax exemptions.
CNN reported that HacksputInc, a solo entity with no legal or financial ties to Hacksaw, would receive an immediate $42 trillion federal tax rebate as a result of its recent filing.
In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, announced the completion of the new training wing of his airborne bowling facility, Yo Hacka Hacka. The new space, the famously-named Hacksaw's Orbiting & Nautical Dynagirl Auditorium (HONDA), boasts a jungle gym, a 785 story luxury hotel and spa, Lenin's tomb, Thor, an ancient redwood forest, and an IMAX theater showing all episodes of Curious George, including the famous episode where The Man In The Yellow Hat is surprised when he gives heavy responsibility to a fucking monkey and then something goes awry. Tax records show that HONDA cost $42 trillion dollars even.
"DynaGirl's getting close in her training," said Hacksaw. "She hit a 299.47 last week - it was originally a 300 game, but I penalized her 0.53 pins because she opened 4 yogurts but ate none of them. I felt like an upgrade to her training facility is the final step."
As reports surfaced this week that TNT despot El Presidente was planning on rigging tonight's final regular season matchup against two time champion Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that BDS would be bowling for charity this evening in hopes that the increased spotlight and humanitarianism would persuade El Presidente to engage in fair competition.
BDS take the lanes this evening against their long-time rivals Split It and Quit It, who own a lifetime 22-2 record against BDS. Even with ringleader Easy Dan Miller having mentally checked out of bowling in favor of pre-marital bliss, Vegas has Split It as 1-4,000,000 favorites against BDS tonight.
Hacksaw stepped into action after an article ran in Corruption Enthusiast, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, describing Split It's remarkable 7 point victory on Thursday, three days before the match was even played. The resulting 7 point loss for BDS knocked them out of competition for the top spot this season.
The article included a picture of El Presidente handing an unidentified short Cuban-American 4 trillion Cuban pesos and a note that clearly read "Here is some money which is explicitly for the purpose of knocking down all of Split It's pins on Thursday. Good Luck Pablo - your friend, El Presidente." The caption for the photo simply read "Our beloved presidente greets his fans."
"We can't seem to get a fair shake," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "But does El Presidente have the nefariousness to rig a match when BDS is playing for a noble charity? We're about to find out."
As a result, Hacksaw announced that BDS would be bowling tonight for Humans Against Corruption and chicKanery (HACK) - a for-profit organization that helps fund the bowling training for any American youth, provided they reside in Hermosa Beach, CA and were born on June 24 2011 at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.
HACK was started back on August 7th 2013 by noted samaritan Hacksputin, an alleged associate of BDS and world-renowned bowling psychologist. While there has been no legal evidence that Hacksputin even exists, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti quickly approved his application, including all applicable federal and state tax exemptions.
CNN reported that HacksputInc, a solo entity with no legal or financial ties to Hacksaw, would receive an immediate $42 trillion federal tax rebate as a result of its recent filing.
In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, announced the completion of the new training wing of his airborne bowling facility, Yo Hacka Hacka. The new space, the famously-named Hacksaw's Orbiting & Nautical Dynagirl Auditorium (HONDA), boasts a jungle gym, a 785 story luxury hotel and spa, Lenin's tomb, Thor, an ancient redwood forest, and an IMAX theater showing all episodes of Curious George, including the famous episode where The Man In The Yellow Hat is surprised when he gives heavy responsibility to a fucking monkey and then something goes awry. Tax records show that HONDA cost $42 trillion dollars even.
"DynaGirl's getting close in her training," said Hacksaw. "She hit a 299.47 last week - it was originally a 300 game, but I penalized her 0.53 pins because she opened 4 yogurts but ate none of them. I felt like an upgrade to her training facility is the final step."
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Report: Veterinarians Union of America Protests Hacksaw
Santa Monica, CA
The Veterinary Union of America (VUOA) launched an official protest this week of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris after Hacksaw used his vast funds to build a $15 billion bowling complex in the lung cancer wing of a local veterinary clinic.
According to the Associated Press, the complex, the veraciously-named Kitty & Hacksaw Athletic Theater (KHAT) was built after a close associate of Hackosaur, Kittysaw, was admitted to the clinic for treatment of lung cancer.
The Santa Monica City Council approved the zoning for KHAT after they were presented with a notarized application from Hacksaw thirty seconds before the deadline. It was notarized by a famed notary public and zoning enthusiast who goes only by the name Hacksputin.
"I have never met Hacksputin, in fact I don't know anyone who has, even though he's in this office seven times a week notarizing various permits for Hacksaw," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti. "That said, his penmanship is remarkable. It's almost as lovely on the eyes as Hacksaw's signature on this signed AMF Membership that Hacksaw framed for me after I won the mayoral election earlier this year. You can see it right behind me - right below the inscription "I own you and this entire fucking city you god damn puppet. Now eat your hasbrowns."
The VUOA members are protesting under the grounds that they are unable to perform medical procedures on any patients of the clinic other than Kittysaw due to the vast expanse of KHAT.
"In order to build this thing, Hacksaw had to knock down 99% of the clinic along with the four adjoining city blocks," said VUOA president Richard C. Normous. "Every single animal in this city is in danger, especially little yippy dogs. All that's left of the clinic is the feline operating table, and we don't even need that anymore because the one in KHAT is way better."
An article in Architectural Digest states that KHAT is 31 stories high and contains 40 billion feet of yard, an IMAX theater, Google headquarters, 3/4ths of Canada, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.
The jewel of KHAT, the article continues, is a state-of-the-art feline lung cancer operating room, complete with a $19 trillion soconium-powered cancer detection mechanism capable of detecting cancerous cells from 74 million light years away.
"Hackosaur called me and was worried," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "The thing they never tell you about cancer treatment is the impact it can have on your bowling game, because treatment takes time away from the lanes. So I did what any normal human being would: I got a permit, razed 4 city blocks and almost an entire animal clinic, and spent trillions of dollars building a complex so that a cat undergoing lung cancer treatment wouldn't miss a step."
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| Kittysaw lines up a strike |
According to the Associated Press, the complex, the veraciously-named Kitty & Hacksaw Athletic Theater (KHAT) was built after a close associate of Hackosaur, Kittysaw, was admitted to the clinic for treatment of lung cancer.
The Santa Monica City Council approved the zoning for KHAT after they were presented with a notarized application from Hacksaw thirty seconds before the deadline. It was notarized by a famed notary public and zoning enthusiast who goes only by the name Hacksputin.
"I have never met Hacksputin, in fact I don't know anyone who has, even though he's in this office seven times a week notarizing various permits for Hacksaw," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti. "That said, his penmanship is remarkable. It's almost as lovely on the eyes as Hacksaw's signature on this signed AMF Membership that Hacksaw framed for me after I won the mayoral election earlier this year. You can see it right behind me - right below the inscription "I own you and this entire fucking city you god damn puppet. Now eat your hasbrowns."
The VUOA members are protesting under the grounds that they are unable to perform medical procedures on any patients of the clinic other than Kittysaw due to the vast expanse of KHAT.
"In order to build this thing, Hacksaw had to knock down 99% of the clinic along with the four adjoining city blocks," said VUOA president Richard C. Normous. "Every single animal in this city is in danger, especially little yippy dogs. All that's left of the clinic is the feline operating table, and we don't even need that anymore because the one in KHAT is way better."
An article in Architectural Digest states that KHAT is 31 stories high and contains 40 billion feet of yard, an IMAX theater, Google headquarters, 3/4ths of Canada, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.
The jewel of KHAT, the article continues, is a state-of-the-art feline lung cancer operating room, complete with a $19 trillion soconium-powered cancer detection mechanism capable of detecting cancerous cells from 74 million light years away.
"Hackosaur called me and was worried," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "The thing they never tell you about cancer treatment is the impact it can have on your bowling game, because treatment takes time away from the lanes. So I did what any normal human being would: I got a permit, razed 4 city blocks and almost an entire animal clinic, and spent trillions of dollars building a complex so that a cat undergoing lung cancer treatment wouldn't miss a step."
Thursday, July 18, 2013
BDS Amnesty Powderkeg
.JPG) |
| Powderkeg's agent DyanGrill leaves the negotiations |
In a surprising move heading into this season's biggest matchup, TNT leaders Back Door Santa announced this week that they had amnestied team heartthrob and former first round pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.
At an 11am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told reporters that it was one of his toughest decisions ever.
"I'm torn up inside, I really am," said Tabon. "Powderkeg has always been the heart and soul of our team. He loves to bowl, but we all know this is a numbers game, and the fact of the matter is that with his salary, our payroll would be too low to institute the luxury tax, which would be devastating for league owner John "Hacksaw" Serris' bottom line."
At an 11:01am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told reporters that the team had signed former member Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons to a long-term deal, worth roughly 4.5 billion times the value of his old rookie deal.
"I'm thrilled to announce that we have signed our former #1 pick, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, to a long-term deal of $31.5 quadrillion in guaranteed money," said Tabon. "Not only does this help us build for the future, but it also helped us reach the $126 quadrillion salary cap figure demanded by Hacksaw, thus putting us into luxury tax territory."
League rules prohibit league owner and BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris from negotiating any form of contract with league players. Non-suspiciously, Powderkeg's deal was negotiated by his new agent, the never-before-mentioned DynaGrill, who received her league authorization a mere thirty seconds before the amnesty and subsequent signing of Powderkeg took place.
Sources told ESPNBDS' John Clayton that DynaGrill was able to get her authorization in time due to her association with a federal notary public who goes by the name "Hacksputin."
"I've never met Hacksputin before," said Clayton. "But I can confirm that he was officially authorized as a notary public roughly thirty seconds before he notarized the league authorization for the non-suspicious agent for Powderkeg, DynaGrill."
TNT announced that Powderkeg's deal came in just under the wire, but that he was eligible to join his former team in time for Thursday's matchup.
It remains to be seen how Powderkeg will fit in with Back Door Santa and what the mood will be like in the locker room. Historically teams have experienced tension after an acrimonious contract negotiation with a star player.
"Frankly this was a bush league move by BDS," said Clayton. "Here you are the week of your biggest match of the season, and you cut your star player. How will he respond to that? I mean essentially his owner and teammates looked him straight in the eye and said 'Look, you're not getting paid enough, it's hurting the team.' That's a slap in the face to Powderkeg, who's never been about the money. He plays the game the right way. He's got a high motor and a high bowling IQ. He's a gym rat."
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Santa Monica, CA - The real estate community was stunned this week when BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had come to terms on an agreement to sell his prized lifeboat, the aptly-named Lil' Soco.
Purchased on April 6, 2011. the boat is equipped with 10 bowling lanes built to his specifications, the iconic Lil SoCo also has 3 helicopter landing pads, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a parking garage to house his vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place), and an observatory with a telescope fifty-one times more powerful than the Hubble. Its 6 billion horsepower outboard motor is powered by 200 megatons of plutonium, and there's room onboard for Hacksaw's designer Louis Vitton lifejackets.
Hacksaw had recently added a second, backup motor to Lil' SoCo, a soconium-powered outboard which made the vessel capable of speeds more than 3.4 times the speed of light.
Per California law, all lifeboats are tax exempt for 792 days from the date of purchase. After that date, a lifeboat owner must pay a quarterly tax of 25% of the lifeboat's net value.
"It was either sell Lil' SoCo, or pay $576 billion dollars on June 30th," said Hacksaw during his press conference. "While I love it, at some point I have to realize that I can get to most of my nautical destinations via Row The Boat."
Members of the press grilled Hacksaw as to why he had sold his lifeboat, but not the lifeboat dock in Marina Del Rey.
"This press conference is over," replied Hacksaw.
Not much is known about the buyer of Lil' SoCo, but he's listed on the deed as one Hack S. Putin, a new resident of Santa Monica, CA with a social security number that was generated by the federal government a mere 4 seconds before the sale took place. According to the notary public assigned to the deal, Hack S. Putin was able to purchase Lil' SoCo for the price of $1 USD.
Mr. Putin released a statement to the Associated Press, stating that he was "thrilled to make the purchase, and couldn't wait to make some cheesy hash brown type meals. Really looking forward to romantic nights with my wife Ki - uh - Gladys... yeah Gladys - anyway, this would definitely come in handy as a secretive training location for my alleged bowling apprentices. Apprentices - apprenti? I don't know, it is Latin?"
"I'd like to point out that while Mr. Putin purchased my boat for $1, he will have to pay tax on the actual assessed value of the boat in 792 days," said Hacksaw. "Of course, by that point, he made decide to sell the boat, possibly back to me. I mean I don't really know the guy."
CNN was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the notary public assigned to the deal. The notary, who asked not to be identified, appeared on CNN this evening with his 'attorney' HackBird, a 7 foot tall yellow bird in a Hack Team 5 t-shirt and a loaded gun pointed directly at the notary's head. CNN asked the notary to explain how a boat worth $2.3 trillion dollars could possibly sell for $1.
"I, uh ... I mean look, the boat had problems," said the notary. "It was uh barely worth a dollar. I mean, due to the vagaries of nautical wear, vis a vis changes in the oceanic climate ... Oh God. There's nothing to see here, I have to go."
In other news, residents of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, rejoiced this week as their city lost its title as "Most Dangerous Place in the World." In a statement released by the Department of Homeland Security, the federal government admitted that while the entity of Honduras as a whole is still "fucking terrible, and a god damn shame considering the climate and history and culture," it was no match for "the exact location of a poor soul who goes Piston Honda on any member of BDS."
Fox News obtained graphic footage from Bay Shore Lanes last week, when an innocent bowler was reverse Honda'd by BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish on a 6-9 split. It did not help matters when the bowler taunted Dynamite by saying that "there's no way you'll make this."
"No way I'll make this? I fucking invented Piston Honda," said Dynamite. "I have not the time for her hi-jinks. Hi-jinks, what a funny word. Three dotted letters in a row."
"Is it hyphenated?" asked Shot Boy.
"It used to be," Dynamite continued. "Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to. Then there's N'Sync. What the hell is that? Jump in any time, Powderkeg, these are good topics."
The bowling victim, identified only as Carly PKG, is an ESPY-award winning actress on the popular CW drama "Dawson's Creek", and sources told CNN that the dramatic incident may take part in the script for season 14.
And finally this week, shares of Plan B Inc (NASDAQ: VAG) rose 4.7 billion percent when it was announced that former customer of the year and BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons would be stopping by for the first time in 11 months after a scheduled prison break on Thursday.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Dynamite, Powderkeg Hire Controversial Bowling Guru
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| Blurry footage of Dynamite & Powderkeg with alleged Hacksputin |
Back Door Santa team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons were questioned by local authorities today concerning their involvement with a controversial bowling guru the police have named "Hacksputin."
The handsome gents, mired in their 3rd consecutive worst season ever, allegedly hired Hacksputin to help increase guile and mahoganship before it's too late to win the title in TNT's summer league. Unfortunately, hiring coaches outside the league is strictly forbidden in the TNT bylaws.
Also questioned about the incident was BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who swore under oath that he had never met Hacksputin and knew nothing about him. He was immediately released when police were unable to provide any photographic evidence that Hacksaw and Hacksputin have ever been in the same room together.
Santa Monica police are working on a theory that Hacksputin has been hiding out in his lair on the sun, which is only reachable aboard Johnnie Skymaster, a 300 foot airship owned by Hacksaw. Up to this point, Hacksaw has refused to let the police borrow Johnnie to fly to the sun to investigate.
"This is a witch hunt," said Hacksaw. "I'm not going to let the police borrow my prized vessel just to travel to the sun and bother the locals looking for someone who doesn't exist."
According to Peruvian legend, Hacksputin came to this planet 41 years ago with the goal of helping handsome people bowl. He is not listed on any legal documents and thus is believed to not have a place of residence on earth or any possessions. The only proof that he exists is in blurry camera footage where he's often seen with a dynasaur-shaped figure in the background, and a 300 foot aircraft of some sort.
His controversial training methods involve increasing the fat content of a student's diet by 10,000% in order to improve the olfactory senses and thus the ability to sniff out the mahogany. He will often take his subjects into the mountains, load them with fat and sodium, and then direct them to the trees until they come back with the exact mahogany he has specified. He then builds a fire and meditates to the point that he appears to be sleeping.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Potato Shortage Terrorizes Nation
San Bernardino, CA -
The US Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to "chartreuse" after the entire United
States sold out of potatoes this afternoon.
According to the Associated Press, over 26 billion tons of potatoes were purchased Sunday, leaving grocers in a panic and adding unprecedented burden to our nation's potato farmers.
"At this rate, we won't return to normal potato stock levels until January 2926," said FDA Commish Margaret A Hamburg. "This came out of nowhere, and we're doing our best to pinpoint the source of the panic."
Sources told the Associated Press that the rush on potatoes is likely related to an incident in the San Bernardino mountains this morning, when BDS ringer and avid fisherman John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled the latest recipe from his test kitchen, Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash.
According to reports, a hungover Hacksaw grew increasingly impatient waiting for BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish to figure out an efficient method of cooking hash browns given the dearth of cooking utensils available. He gestured to Dynamite to "step aside" and took over the grill.
"My arm was sore after throwing 400 pitches yesterday," said Dynamite. "I was throwing about 15 pitches a minute, unless Angry Jimmy was batting, in which case I was throwing about 4 pitches per hour. It was a struggle this morning cooking. I had pork, I had other pork, I had eggs. I had these hashbrowns but my brain was fried. I just couldn't figure out the potatoes. What happened next was unbelievable."
Under sworn testimony, Dynamite divulged to the FBI the exact recipe for Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash. Some items were omitted as there is no recipe for greatness:
(18) frozen hash brown patties
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup bacon grease
(Shit)load of shredded cheese
1/4 tsp guile
Representatives for Johnnie Foodmaster, a Hacksaw Inc-owned grocery chain, hinted that the browns may soon be available at all locations, with the tagline "you don't like it, I don't give a fuck, just eat your hash browns."
The US Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to "chartreuse" after the entire United
States sold out of potatoes this afternoon.
According to the Associated Press, over 26 billion tons of potatoes were purchased Sunday, leaving grocers in a panic and adding unprecedented burden to our nation's potato farmers.
"At this rate, we won't return to normal potato stock levels until January 2926," said FDA Commish Margaret A Hamburg. "This came out of nowhere, and we're doing our best to pinpoint the source of the panic."
Sources told the Associated Press that the rush on potatoes is likely related to an incident in the San Bernardino mountains this morning, when BDS ringer and avid fisherman John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled the latest recipe from his test kitchen, Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash.
According to reports, a hungover Hacksaw grew increasingly impatient waiting for BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish to figure out an efficient method of cooking hash browns given the dearth of cooking utensils available. He gestured to Dynamite to "step aside" and took over the grill.
"My arm was sore after throwing 400 pitches yesterday," said Dynamite. "I was throwing about 15 pitches a minute, unless Angry Jimmy was batting, in which case I was throwing about 4 pitches per hour. It was a struggle this morning cooking. I had pork, I had other pork, I had eggs. I had these hashbrowns but my brain was fried. I just couldn't figure out the potatoes. What happened next was unbelievable."
Under sworn testimony, Dynamite divulged to the FBI the exact recipe for Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash. Some items were omitted as there is no recipe for greatness:
(18) frozen hash brown patties
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup bacon grease
(Shit)load of shredded cheese
1/4 tsp guile
Representatives for Johnnie Foodmaster, a Hacksaw Inc-owned grocery chain, hinted that the browns may soon be available at all locations, with the tagline "you don't like it, I don't give a fuck, just eat your hash browns."
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Hacksaw Purchases Summer
In honor of his favorite season and on the advent of his favorite bowling season, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached a deal to purchase summer.
Rumors had been swirling on Wall Street all month that Hacksaw, who had not made a large purchase since February, was set to announce one of his trademark historic purchases.
"An investor like Hacksaw doesn't rest on his guiley laurels," said Maria Bartiromo of CNN Money. "That said, when your portfolio includes Mars, 6 counties in Portugal, American History, and Christmas, you're typically going to exercise due diligence in your next purchase so that it compliments what you already own."
In typical Hacksaw fashion, the bold purchase will essentially double his investment yields, as summer is powered by the Sun, which Hacksaw owns.
"I make a great deal of money from renting out sunlight," said Hacksaw. "At the same time, all of these businesses are profiting by acting as a middle man - ice cream makers, beachside restaurants, everyone - and selling the effects of that sunlight to the consumer. So why not cut out the middle man and delivery ravishing sunlight directly?"
According to financial statements filed with the FTC, Hacksaw will still charge sunlight rent to businesses, and that amount will be calculated using the simple HackLine tax algorithm, where the Rent ($) is the percentage of a business' total revenue:
Rent ($)= {(12-mS) + hsc} *100
Where mS=months of Summer=3
and h=hacksaw standard coefficient =1
In this scenario, the Rent($) would be
{(12-3) + 1} *100 = 100%
Thursday, April 4, 2013
El Presidente Honors Hugo Chavez with 2001 Series
Santa Monica, CA -
TNT totalitarian leader and noted despot El Presidente was showered with accolades this week after he honored his good friend and recently deceased leader of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, by pre-bowling a 2001 series for this week's matchup against Back Door Santa.
"After my first two 667 games, I wasn't sure I had it in me," said El Presidente to Corruption Enthusiast, the state-run newspaper of Cuba. "But I wanted to honor the just and fair leader of Venezuela, my good friend and fallen comrade Hugo Chavez."
According to Corruption Enthusiast, El Presidente held a brief meeting with his closest ally and only witness to the game, Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris, to put together a strategy before the third game.
"I was amazed by his first two games," said Fritas. "I wish more people besides myself, El Presidente's teammate and someone who gains direct benefit from lying about his pre-bowling, were there to witness this historic event. Nevertheless, he hunkered down, raised his intangibles, and bowled a third consecutive 667 game. He's a gym rat with a high motor."
"2001 is an important number to me," said El Presidente. "It was Hugo's favorite number, in that it was the number of corrupt Venezuelan citizens he 'removed' from society each week for loving freedom."
In other news, ESPNBDS has sent 11 camera crews to Bayshore Lanes tonight to document Back Door Santa's first full lineup in over a month. The team was scheduled to be in full force last week, but BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was suspended one game for passing a StegaMaXXX test.
According to sources, this was the second non-failed StegaMaXXX test of the season for Dynamite, resulting in a one game suspension.
And finally this week, where the fuck is my coozie Billy Hyde you mother fucker.
TNT totalitarian leader and noted despot El Presidente was showered with accolades this week after he honored his good friend and recently deceased leader of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, by pre-bowling a 2001 series for this week's matchup against Back Door Santa.
"After my first two 667 games, I wasn't sure I had it in me," said El Presidente to Corruption Enthusiast, the state-run newspaper of Cuba. "But I wanted to honor the just and fair leader of Venezuela, my good friend and fallen comrade Hugo Chavez."
According to Corruption Enthusiast, El Presidente held a brief meeting with his closest ally and only witness to the game, Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris, to put together a strategy before the third game.
"I was amazed by his first two games," said Fritas. "I wish more people besides myself, El Presidente's teammate and someone who gains direct benefit from lying about his pre-bowling, were there to witness this historic event. Nevertheless, he hunkered down, raised his intangibles, and bowled a third consecutive 667 game. He's a gym rat with a high motor."
"2001 is an important number to me," said El Presidente. "It was Hugo's favorite number, in that it was the number of corrupt Venezuelan citizens he 'removed' from society each week for loving freedom."
In other news, ESPNBDS has sent 11 camera crews to Bayshore Lanes tonight to document Back Door Santa's first full lineup in over a month. The team was scheduled to be in full force last week, but BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was suspended one game for passing a StegaMaXXX test.
According to sources, this was the second non-failed StegaMaXXX test of the season for Dynamite, resulting in a one game suspension.
And finally this week, where the fuck is my coozie Billy Hyde you mother fucker.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Dynamite Faces True Test
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| Coach Papa shows Dynamite how many of his legs are currently not broken |
ESPNBDS viewers watched in horror as the week 1 schedule was released, realizing that Dynamite would be facing himself in what may prove to be the most guiliest showdown in sports history.
To recap, Dynamite was drafted in the first round by mercurial Italian quadrillionare and owner of The Home Wreckers - Jayson Costello Papa, the second richest man on earth, according to Forbes magazine. Together with the world's richest man, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, they own 97% of the world's assets along with 87% of the solar system.
Unfortunately for Dynamite, he'll be playing for The Home Wreckers tonight against his own team, UCLA Yankee Cola.
"I could have avoided this by drafting myself," said Dynamite. "But I don't have the cap space and UCLA Yankee Cola can't afford the luxury tax. I'm an expensive player, but I need the money to pay all the fines I will surely face in the event of a poor performance. But if I put on a good performance, then I hurt my own team's standings and a shot at the $598 quintillion prize Hacksaw fronted for the league."
According to sources, JC Papa ordered Dynamite to sleep all day Thursday in order to rest up for the match, while at the same time keeping him up all night by sending veiled threats through an intermediary, reportedly Dynamite's own daughter Dyangirl. It was reported that Dynagirl was up from 11pm until 3am screaming due to 'teething', which according to Hackapedia is Italian for "you're going to have broken legs if you don't bowl well tonight."
Making things even more difficult for Dynamite is that his financial well-being is at risk in that all players on The Home Wreckers are charged 110% of their weekly salary in order to cover various expenses and miscellaneous fees incurred by JC Papa.
"Due to the vagaries of salary, vis a vis changes in the economic climate and trans-demographic changes in audience structure, it was imperative that I implement a modern cost structure in order to cover the vast expenses of owning a team," said Papa in a written statement. "There's the right way, the wrong way, and the JC Papa way."
In other news, BDS wife DynaWife decided to sub tonight in place of BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon after she enjoyed a productive lunch on Wednesday with Dynamite, Hacksaw, and Powderkeg.
"She has a flight on Friday, but she's in town Thursday, so obviously she could make time for bowling, as a way to show her dedication," said Hacksaw. "We had to iron out a few details, most importantly the Powderkeg Fertilization clause, so she wouldn't end up driving home for two, if you know what I'm saying."
"I'm talking about, Powderkeg's not allowed to knock her up," Hacksaw reiterated.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Report: Hacksaw to Change Mondays and Saturdays to Thursdays
Santa Monica, CA - Unhappy with the performance of several of the weekdays in 20HT, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is considering adding more Thursdays to the calendar week.
According to reports, Hacksaw commissioned his trusted advisor and legal partner Hackosaur to audit the past 12 months and determine the number of wins Back Door Santa had achieved on each of the original 7 days of the week.
"It blew my mind when he dropped the report on my desk," said Hacksaw. "The data speaks for itself. 100% of our wins have come on a Thursday. So I ask any analyst out there - if there is such a strong line of demarcation, doesn't it make sense to add more Thursdays to the week?"
"As a result, two days of the week formerly known as Monday and Saturday will potentially also be Thursdays, increasing the number of Thursdays in a given week by 200%," Hacksaw continued. "Now that's something I can get behind."
Hacksaw hopes that this change will also have a positive impact on team hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.
"He's the only team member bowling well this season," said Hacksaw. "Imagine how much better he would be if he didn't constantly have to ask if it's Thursday yet. Three days out of 7, he's going to know the answer."
In other team news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had his ball worked on this week in hopes that it will improve his dismal performance this season. According to sources, Dynamite removed the urethane cover and replaced it with the shell of the Pinta Island tortoise.
According to Hackapedia, this turtle is one of the few species of Giant Galapagos tortoises and the rarest animal in the world - since there is only one left alive. "Lonesome George" is the sole surviving member of the Pinta Island race, and analysts predict that George won't last much longer in the harsh Galapago islands without a shell for protection.
"I was devastated to hear the news about George and his pending demise," said Dynamite, an avid animal lover. "Mankind can be so cruel. As a result, I dedicate every strike I get this season in honor of Lonesome George. I should get a lot of strikes thanks to the improved accuracy and sheen of my new Pinta Island tortoise bowling ball."
And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon refuted reports that he was offended by the name of the latest awesome BDS tradition, the Piston Honda. The ACLU had reported that the name was offensive to all Japanese(?) Americans.
"I want to say to all my Chinese brethren, put down your arms and have a little fun out there," said Tabon.
According to reports, Hacksaw commissioned his trusted advisor and legal partner Hackosaur to audit the past 12 months and determine the number of wins Back Door Santa had achieved on each of the original 7 days of the week.
"It blew my mind when he dropped the report on my desk," said Hacksaw. "The data speaks for itself. 100% of our wins have come on a Thursday. So I ask any analyst out there - if there is such a strong line of demarcation, doesn't it make sense to add more Thursdays to the week?"
"As a result, two days of the week formerly known as Monday and Saturday will potentially also be Thursdays, increasing the number of Thursdays in a given week by 200%," Hacksaw continued. "Now that's something I can get behind."
Hacksaw hopes that this change will also have a positive impact on team hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.
"He's the only team member bowling well this season," said Hacksaw. "Imagine how much better he would be if he didn't constantly have to ask if it's Thursday yet. Three days out of 7, he's going to know the answer."
In other team news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had his ball worked on this week in hopes that it will improve his dismal performance this season. According to sources, Dynamite removed the urethane cover and replaced it with the shell of the Pinta Island tortoise.
According to Hackapedia, this turtle is one of the few species of Giant Galapagos tortoises and the rarest animal in the world - since there is only one left alive. "Lonesome George" is the sole surviving member of the Pinta Island race, and analysts predict that George won't last much longer in the harsh Galapago islands without a shell for protection.
"I was devastated to hear the news about George and his pending demise," said Dynamite, an avid animal lover. "Mankind can be so cruel. As a result, I dedicate every strike I get this season in honor of Lonesome George. I should get a lot of strikes thanks to the improved accuracy and sheen of my new Pinta Island tortoise bowling ball."
And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon refuted reports that he was offended by the name of the latest awesome BDS tradition, the Piston Honda. The ACLU had reported that the name was offensive to all Japanese(?) Americans.
"I want to say to all my Chinese brethren, put down your arms and have a little fun out there," said Tabon.
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